Dumb Criminals

Spots On Your Record

Saturday, August 6th, 2016 • Filed under Other Weapons

When I was little, my mother bought me one of those mail-order ladybug farms. Boy howdy, was that a disappointment to a preschooler and her younger sister enchanted and enthralled by the natural world around them. First of all, ladybugs spend most of their lives as creepy, six-legged fly things. When they die, usually in this stage, their friends and family consume their little corpses. It was upon this discovery that my mother suggested we release our ladybugs into the wild.

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Sweet Revenge

Saturday, August 6th, 2016 • Filed under Break-Ins

Sometimes stereotypes are proven true, which is why they are unfortunately perpetuated in society. For example, I am a woman and I do think The Notebook is a halfway decent movie, which has unfortunately led to its prevalence in the zeitgeist. All bitterness aside, this story is more saccharine than Ryan Gosling’s little Ferris wheel stunt.

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One Star, No Fleas Anywhere

Saturday, August 6th, 2016 • Filed under Robberies

Something not addressed on this site nearly enough is father-son bonding. In fact, if these individuals had grown up with a strong paternal presence, perhaps they would not have fallen into the activities and habits to which they’ve succumbed. Maybe one game of catch could have prevented steak being shoplifted via underwear or cars being hijacked with no actual destination in mind.

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Pizza Rolls AND Gender Roles

Saturday, August 6th, 2016 • Filed under Assaults, Other Weapons

What is your favorite garbage snack enjoyed when being a garbage person? Maybe you’ve been out all night and need to Uber to the nearest Waffle House. Maybe you’ve been on a Netflix binge and call up Domino’s at 2 am. Maybe you even still think about those brownies you ate at a stranger’s apartment…

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Hero of Our Generation

Friday, July 1st, 2016 • Filed under Drunks

Unfortunately, I am not always quite as caught up with the media as I’d like to be. The following story is from last fall, a story I am utterly disappointed to have missed. The tale follows an attractive yet troubled student with a noble aspiration and portrays the courageous way in which he overcomes adversity.

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What a Deal!

Friday, July 1st, 2016 • Filed under Other Weapons

Last night over the phone, I attempted to convince someone of the importance of washing their hands after using the restroom. He is nineteen years old. He insisted there was no bad bacteria on his penis, that it’s cleaner than most of his body because it’s always clothed, and that “it’s not like I’m ripping my d*** off and taping it to my hand!!!” This caused him to receive a text from his father saying, “Your conversation with the girl is inappropriate.” Again, he is nineteen years old.

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Worse than Chipotle’s Mistake

Thursday, June 16th, 2016 • Filed under Drugs, Smugglers

What do you prefer on your burritos? Meat cooked long before being shipped all the way from Chicago, beans of suspicious origin, or ninety-seven varieties of salsa? Honestly, none of this really matters when you’re intoxicated enough.

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Bird or a Rat?

Thursday, June 16th, 2016 • Filed under Murderers, Other Weapons

If you could teach a parrot to say anything, what would it be? Would it sing you to sleep? Creatively insult your ex-boyfriend while you shared a bottle of red wine? Make conversation with your less amicable extended family members for you? Personally I’d make sure it memorized my grocery list and also token bedroom phrases.

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