Dumb Criminals

“I Look Pretty Tall But My Heels Are High”

Monday, January 26th, 2015 • Filed under Other

Who doesn’t love substitute teachers? They’re adorable, clueless, and easily persuaded that your regular teacher lets you take all of your tests with partners…if you’re lucky. If you’re not, your class might be ruled over by one notorious for abuse of power and lectures on cell phone use. Still, you’ll never be as traumatized as this class…


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Honk Honk

Monday, January 19th, 2015 • Filed under Cars

What are two events that should never mix? Sex and driving. What are two events that often mix? Sex and driving. Someone I knew said a coworker of his had a girl on top of him whilst driving down a dirt path (a very dirty path indeed). In a favorite novel of mine, road head eventually leads to an ghost that just won’t quit hanging around…sort of like an annoying ex?


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One Hit and You’re McGone-aughey

Saturday, January 10th, 2015 • Filed under Drugs

Which movies of this year have you seen so far? My favorite space film is either Guardians of the Galaxy or Interstellar. I suppose I could include Inherent Vice, considering I spent the entire movie completely spaced out. However, it was Interstellar that prompted my fellow cinephile to utter the words “I’m going to film a documonaughey about Matthew McConaughey.” Weeks later I’m still laughing…and Inherent Vice still hasn’t ended.


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Haze A Ghost, Funnel A Goblin

Sunday, January 4th, 2015 • Filed under Guns

As I’m nearing the end of my college search, I find myself worrying about aspects that had seemed trivial at the beginning. For example: do I want to go to a school that has the country’s largest Starbucks, or do I want to go to one with multiple Starbucks franchises on campus? Which option adds up to the most frappo per square inch? I’m also concerned about my decision not to rush.


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Breaking Bath(room)

Sunday, December 28th, 2014 • Filed under Drugs

What’s the sketchiest thing you’ve ever done in a public restroom? My friend said that where she grew up, the family restroom in a particular mall was “infested with STD’s”. At my school, the worst bathroom findings are thirty pounds of used chewing tobacco and unoriginal graffiti. Nothing says academia like empty Grizzly cans juxtaposed with scribbles of “your beautiful”.


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Red Nosed and Red Handed

Sunday, December 28th, 2014 • Filed under Theft

How Grinchy were you this Christmas season? If you’re still a student, finals week probably squashed any possible seasonal spirit right into the snowy ground. If you have overly excited children, your patience has been stretched further than the journey of the three wise men. If you have a lot of friends and family, your bank account has melted away like Frosty.


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“There’s Final Hits and Final Hits”

Sunday, December 28th, 2014 • Filed under Drugs

My father told me a story about one of his school projects when he was a kid. For science class, he was assigned to create a poster containing information about drugs. After extensive effort on the part of my grandmother and himself, the finished product featured a bag of oregano, a bag of sugar, and an empty plastic syringe. My father said he did not receive a very good grade due to the lack of actual science, yet that pales in comparison to the reaction a teacher would have today.


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Any More Black Friday Sales on Hats?

Sunday, December 28th, 2014 • Filed under Assaults, Guns

Ladies, there’s nothing more important than hair, right? Not only is the hair on your own head a priority; so is the hair of your significant other or romantic interest. I think all of us females can recall elementary school crushes that fizzled the moment your potential boo walked in the classroom with a new haircut.


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