Dumb Criminals

First Rule of Daycare

Tuesday, April 7th, 2015 • Filed under Assaults

I have a feeling I’ve posted about Fight Club before. There’s just something mesmerizing about men engaging in physical violence in a green filtered lens, all for the purpose of conveying a Very Deep Message. What exactly is the message? Quit your job for the health of your soul? Quit your job because we all die in the end anyway? Sleep with a woman who glorifies several mental disorders if you weren’t dying fast enough after quitting your job? Personally, the only message I gleaned was that I should transition from bar soap to shower gel.

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Still Better Than Apple Maps

Friday, April 3rd, 2015 • Filed under Other Weapons, Technology

What’s the wildest thing you’ve ever wanted to do? We all have a bucket list of epic proportions, yet most of us at least attempt to keep our goals within legal parameters. For example, my proudest accomplishment is consuming an entire airline sandwich, much to the repulsion of my family and every passenger in near vicinity. Was it pale ham or pink turkey? Chunky mayo or just watery cheese? Nobody will ever know.

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Only Lawyer Worse Than Zuckercorn

Sunday, March 29th, 2015 • Filed under Drugs

What happens when your lawyer himself doesn’t obey the law? You’re screwed. That’s as ridiculous as a butcher going vegetarian or an author who doesn’t read. Worse yet, a teacher who doesn’t know how to teach…because, golly gee, none of us have ever experienced that before, right?

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Say Hello…

Sunday, March 15th, 2015 • Filed under Other Weapons

They say at any given time, all objects around you can be used as a weapon. While this appeals to the yet-to-be released mega-fighter badass side of me, I’d like to see someone defend herself against a home intruder with a miniature stapler. Maybe see someone take down an IHOP robber with some sugar-free butter pecan syrup. Actually…that crap would probably knock anybody out.

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You Talkin’ To Me?

Sunday, March 15th, 2015 • Filed under Guns

Exactly what drives people over the edge? Everyone has a breaking point I suppose. All you have to do is watch the Cell Block Tango from Chicago to figure out what causes women to lose their sanity. You may also figure out what the term “murder boner” means in the process.

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Not a Time Machine Either

Sunday, March 1st, 2015 • Filed under Break-Ins

Every once in a while, I think back to this ad I saw in middle school health class. I can’t quite remember the context, but I do know it was an illustration of a group of people relaxing in a hot tub. However, the hot tub was a cauldron in some exotic forest and the people were blissfully unaware of their grisly fate. I remember thinking “what a way to go”. Because I can’t remember any reason behind being shown this ad, it’s possible I had actually ignored every other part of health class and was hallucinating off of something.

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Bruce Would Be Disappointed

Tuesday, February 24th, 2015 • Filed under Burglaries

My favorite action flick is Die Hard. My favorite Christmas movie is Die Hard. My favorite food is Die Hard. My favorite color is Die Hard. The movie is no doubt important, but was it important enough to spark a crime?

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Maybe He Was Just in Freshmen English 101

Monday, February 16th, 2015 • Filed under Cars

What’s the worst place you’ve ever fallen asleep? A while ago, I had a nightmare I fell asleep while driving. Once I wrecked my car, I was so relieved that I could sleep because I didn’t have to drive anymore. As a little girl (in real life!), I performed in musicals at my church, and my father used to see me nodding off…while standing up, singing songs…in front of people.  Can you top that?

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