Sunday, November 16th, 2014 • Filed under Assaults
How slow are turtles really? Considering Franklin the Turtle has been an elementary school student throughout my entire childhood, my guess is that turtles are extremely slow. I’ve seen them eat their salad in the zoo, and the only creature that takes longer to eat vegetables is me.
Saturday, November 8th, 2014 • Filed under Robberies
Part of growing up is understanding that I don’t have to abide by my family’s regulations concerning food any longer. Caffeine makes my mom jittery, yet I drink at least two cups a day in order to ensure a stunted growth and lifelong stimulant addiction. My family also despises Subway, yet nothing appeals to me more than room-temperature veggies on soggy bread.
Friday, November 7th, 2014 • Filed under Break-Ins
‘Twas night before Christmas, all through the house, not a creature was stirring…except for some lady chilling in the chimney. It’s the classic tale of the creepy ex-girlfriend stalker, this time with a Christmas twist! Is it too early for seasonal fun?
Friday, November 7th, 2014 • Filed under Drunks
How desperate have you been for a date? I once asked my group of friends if they’d sleep with their professors in college, and for some wild reason, everyone said no…at least “not until I had completed the course”. Well. Maybe I should seek new friends elsewhere.
Tuesday, October 7th, 2014 • Filed under Guns, Robberies, Technology
I remember at one point I was trying to untag a very unflattering photograph of myself on Facebook. I was then interrogated by the website, asking if the photo was pornographic, illegal, triggering, etc. Unfortunately, there was no choice saying “seeing my braces brings back PTSD” or “offensive double chin: extremely triggering”.
Sunday, September 28th, 2014 • Filed under Smugglers
The first article on this site ever written by yours truly involved wildlife smuggling. (No, not wildlife snuggling, unfortunately.) Today we’ll bring it full circle with a crazy Canadian eh?
Thursday, September 18th, 2014 • Filed under Other Weapons
How much do you trust the people making your food? Do you really trust the guy taking smoke breaks every 10 seconds to smoke your barbecue? How about the guy with hair greasier than pizza to make your pizza? The girl incessantly coughing to make your coffee?
Thursday, September 11th, 2014 • Filed under Drugs
Everybody knows that DARE week at school is just an excuse for druggie hipsters to be even more ironic. If I recall correctly, the same kid who hugged me while supposedly high on meth was sporting a red rubber band bracelet a week later. Really, all I gathered from this occurrence was that someone had to be REALLY f***ed up before he found me huggable.