Dumb Criminals

Hero of Our Generation

Friday, July 1st, 2016 • Filed under Drunks

Unfortunately, I am not always quite as caught up with the media as I’d like to be. The following story is from last fall, a story I am utterly disappointed to have missed. The tale follows an attractive yet troubled student with a noble aspiration and portrays the courageous way in which he overcomes adversity.


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What a Deal!

Friday, July 1st, 2016 • Filed under Other Weapons

Last night over the phone, I attempted to convince someone of the importance of washing their hands after using the restroom. He is nineteen years old. He insisted there was no bad bacteria on his penis, that it’s cleaner than most of his body because it’s always clothed, and that “it’s not like I’m ripping my d*** off and taping it to my hand!!!” This caused him to receive a text from his father saying, “Your conversation with the girl is inappropriate.” Again, he is nineteen years old.


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Worse than Chipotle’s Mistake

Thursday, June 16th, 2016 • Filed under Drugs, Smugglers

What do you prefer on your burritos? Meat cooked long before being shipped all the way from Chicago, beans of suspicious origin, or ninety-seven varieties of salsa? Honestly, none of this really matters when you’re intoxicated enough.


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Bird or a Rat?

Thursday, June 16th, 2016 • Filed under Murderers, Other Weapons

If you could teach a parrot to say anything, what would it be? Would it sing you to sleep? Creatively insult your ex-boyfriend while you shared a bottle of red wine? Make conversation with your less amicable extended family members for you? Personally I’d make sure it memorized my grocery list and also token bedroom phrases.


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Vogue Spring Collection 2016

Sunday, May 22nd, 2016 • Filed under Cars, Drunks

Can you imagine being famous for one stupid thing you did? Worse yet, what if this stupid thing became your moniker? It’d be like living in a middle school sit-com made for middle-schoolers. How would people recognize you if not for your accidental bodily functions or your idiotically phrased comments?


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What’s Your Sign? All of Them

Sunday, May 22nd, 2016 • Filed under Theft

Everybody has that moment when they realize they are unequivocally, irrevocably, irreparably in love. Personally, I knew I was hooked when my boyfriend removed the plaque “in case of fire, take stairs” from above the dorm elevator buttons and placed it tastefully on his bathroom wall. In retrospect, if I really loved him, I wouldn’t have publicized this legally dubious anecdote on a popular crime blog.


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Poltergeist

Sunday, May 22nd, 2016 • Filed under Break-Ins

Nothing’s scarier than hearing noises home alone at night. Every squirrel on the roof is a serial killer, every car on the road is a violent cop coming to arrest you for whatever you got up to on nights like this in high school. And when the ice falls out of the ice maker in the freezer? It’s Nostradamus.


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Theft is for the Birds

Sunday, May 22nd, 2016 • Filed under Caught on tape, Theft

What’s your most daring attempt at stealing? Have you swiped something from a friend’s home, or perhaps had the audacity to shoplift? Do you prefer the sentimentally or monetarily valuable? For instance, comedian John Mulaney insists his fans steal family photos from strangers’ homes, permitting them to procure an eclectic collection.


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