Remember the age old saying “If he picks on you, it means he likes you.”? Clearly when a boy calls you fat, it’s because he’s imagining you carrying his firstborn with all the grace of a life-bringing earth goddess. When a boy steals your phone, he’s subliminally reassuring you that you’ll never have to worry about financing your own purchases again. So ladies, next time Trey or Chad or Tyler or Trent pulls this crap, you’ll know you’ve found the one.
Friday, September 11th, 2015 • Filed under Drugs
Nothing causes me to fear for society’s future quite like reality shows centered on birthday parties. Have we, as a nation, regressed in intellect so far as to find ourselves entranced by enormous dresses, spoiled children, and strobe lights beckoning us from a television screen? Are we worshipping the mundane, idolizing the bourgeoisie, and perpetuating the stagnancy? Absolutely. Somebody better let Banksy know.
Friday, August 21st, 2015 • Filed under Other
Calling all hippies. What’s the most mentally unstable activity in which you’d partake for the sake of nature? Would you camp alone for days Paulsen-style? Dogsled through the arctic London-style? Or would you quit eating meat Thoreau-style? No matter which, you’re pretentious.
Friday, August 21st, 2015 • Filed under Drunks
I always wonder why lesbians are burdened with the stereotype of having daddy issues. Throughout my experience, I have found that the most potent concentration of daddy issues exists within the population of straight boys. Maybe it’s because the responsibility of filling the patriarchal position looms ahead or maybe they just fear their secret weed stash being discovered…either way, straight boys have this psychological phenomenon monopolized.
Wednesday, August 5th, 2015 • Filed under Other Weapons
Can you imagine if Bob the Builder had a bloodthirsty vengeance? Perhaps instead of traipsing throughout Spring City performing pro bono construction work on buildings that need repair, he is the instrument of disaster himself? Scoop the catalyst of ruination and Muck the instigator of demolition? It all makes for a storyline even more terrifying than the haunting animation of the scarecrow.
Sunday, July 26th, 2015 • Filed under Other
Although you may think detailing the weekly atrocities of the dumb criminal world is a career lucrative enough to fund my Starbucks dependence, the sad truth is that I also work a part-time job at a local burger franchise. There is enough grease in the kitchen to make John Travolta experience PTSD flashbacks, and flies taunt the employees by procreating in mid-air. The worst part, however, was that the air conditioner was not working throughout most of the 90 degree Georgia summer.
Nothing can beat a good biscuit. I know this because I have actually undergone the turmoil required to bake homemade biscuits. The recipe begins with the responsibility of chopping up an entire stick of butter into minuscule pieces and concludes with cutting evenly sized chunks from a dough ball stickier than an alien symbiote. That being said, when my taste buds were finally acquainted with the recognizable flaky texture, the newly acquired tennis elbow and carpal tunnel syndrome became worth it.
Tuesday, July 7th, 2015 • Filed under Smugglers
How do you feel about seafood? From the Filet-o-Fish to lobster tail, there is an ocean creature to please every palate. Even when I was trapped in the flavorless hell that is a vegetarian diet, I allowed myself some sushi here and there. There’s something about consuming sea creatures that seems more benign than land animals. Maybe because the Bible states they were created on different days, or maybe because Nirvana sang “it’s okay to eat fish, ‘cause they don’t have any feelings”. Both are dogmatic.