Dumb Criminals

A Heated Argument

Sunday, July 26th, 2015 • Filed under Other

Although you may think detailing the weekly atrocities of the dumb criminal world is a career lucrative enough to fund my Starbucks dependence, the sad truth is that I also work a part-time job at a local burger franchise. There is enough grease in the kitchen to make John Travolta experience PTSD flashbacks, and flies taunt the employees by procreating in mid-air. The worst part, however, was that the air conditioner was not working throughout most of the 90 degree Georgia summer.

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Give Me All Your F#(&ing Jelly

Sunday, July 12th, 2015 • Filed under Banks, Robberies

Nothing can beat a good biscuit. I know this because I have actually undergone the turmoil required to bake homemade biscuits. The recipe begins with the responsibility of chopping up an entire stick of butter into minuscule pieces and concludes with cutting evenly sized chunks from a dough ball stickier than an alien symbiote. That being said, when my taste buds were finally acquainted with the recognizable flaky texture, the newly acquired tennis elbow and carpal tunnel syndrome became worth it.

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Something Fishy

Tuesday, July 7th, 2015 • Filed under Smugglers

How do you feel about seafood? From the Filet-o-Fish to lobster tail, there is an ocean creature to please every palate. Even when I was trapped in the flavorless hell that is a vegetarian diet, I allowed myself some sushi here and there. There’s something about consuming sea creatures that seems more benign than land animals. Maybe because the Bible states they were created on different days, or maybe because Nirvana sang “it’s okay to eat fish, ‘cause they don’t have any feelings”. Both are dogmatic.

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Not Quite Piper’s Enterprise

Sunday, June 28th, 2015 • Filed under Shop Lifting

Can you guys get behind buying stuff in bulk? Do the enormous boxes of twelve different varieties of frozen waffles speak to you from inside the foggy freezer door? Does an eight gallon bottle of salsa hanging precariously off the edge of a shelf appeal to you as it might appeal to an exceptionally litigious individual? If so, then this dumb crime is for you.

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Goodbye Hal

Tuesday, June 23rd, 2015 • Filed under Guns

How far will anthropomorphizing go? Pixar has assigned pipe dreams to rats. Swiffer has assigned libidos to dusters. M&M’s has assigned genders to chocolate candy. If you thought Disney movies were only the beginning, you probably experience shock and slight disgust every time you turn on your television.

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Story of a Lonely Guy

Tuesday, June 9th, 2015 • Filed under Drunks

Recall the time you felt most desperate. I don’t mean adrenaline-inducing, life-or-death, protection of your family type desperate. I mean desperate to get your rocks off. Perhaps it was February 13th or the night before prom and your high school reputation is hanging in the balance when it seems as though all available women have taken a cruise ship to the moon.

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Snack Attack

Tuesday, June 9th, 2015 • Filed under Break-Ins, Drunks

Imagine moving in with the significant other you had as a nineteen year old. No matter your current circumstances, you’d have to leave your home immediately and begin a new life with this person from your past. Here’s the catch: he/she is still nineteen whereas you remain the age you currently are. How do you cope?

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Enjoy the ‘Hoo’segow

Tuesday, May 26th, 2015 • Filed under Uncategorized

When you were younger, did you believe your stuffed animals were alive? Now, of course, this idea is creepy to us. However, when I was smaller (and apparently braver), my stuffed animals each had distinct personalities that somehow vanished when I was around. Some even got married to each other.

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