Dumb Criminals

Wasn’t In a Cigarette Though

Wednesday, April 2nd, 2014 • Filed under Other Weapons

Possessiveness is a dangerous aspect of relationships that is often romanticized. While everyone wants someone who cares, nobody wants someone constantly looking through his/her text messages or becoming jealous over every sentient creature. “Did you REALLY just pet that dog when I’M right here???”

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Turn Down For What

Sunday, March 23rd, 2014 • Filed under Drugs

Nothing makes me want to do drugs less than hearing people talk about doing drugs. “Yeah MAANNN I couldn’t even FEEL my extra toes.” “BRUH that’s so sick-nasty but I ate an entire mac-n-cheese PIZZA remember???” Like no thanks, I can eat just as much and be just as pseudo-philosophical without having to laboriously hotbox anything.

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What’s Inside That Counts

Sunday, March 16th, 2014 • Filed under Fraud, Other

If I hear a girl say “skinny for prom” one more time, I’m gonna lose it. ‘Cause screw it, I’m getting super fat for prom. Morbidly obese. And for spring break? When, come mid-March, everyone else is surviving off of shredded lettuce and Sprite Zero for that perfect bikini bod…I’ll be upping my intake of McNuggets exponentially per day.

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Dough-not Do This

Sunday, March 9th, 2014 • Filed under Arson

Mmm, you know what goes well with your daily deep-fried morning sugar bomb? Lung-destroying tubes of tar. And better yet? Straight-up arson. Just blaze.

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Filthy Carnists

Tuesday, February 18th, 2014 • Filed under Other Weapons

There is a whole list of foods that are simultaneously gross yet delicious. Smores. Cold Chinese take-out. Calamari. Foie gras (apparently an illegal food some places?). Escargo. I’ll take 10 of each please!

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Love Schmove

Sunday, February 16th, 2014 • Filed under Other

Who says romance is dead? Love is in the air, as exemplified by the couples sucking face in the hallway as you’re trying to get to class. As exemplified by the ridiculous pun Valentines made on MS Paint. As exemplified by heart-shaped pizzas and penis-shaped pancakes.

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Little Cheesey

Monday, January 20th, 2014 • Filed under Assaults, Robberies

People always say there’s no such thing as bad pizza, but Dominos takes that as a challenge. Nothing says “Italy” like cardboard-flavored crust topped with solidified yellow grease. Mmm…wanna go vegan yet?

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Chicken Dance

Sunday, January 19th, 2014 • Filed under Assaults, Other Weapons

Cheating is a grave matter. Cheating on a test could land you in detention (or, if done correctly, a good college). Cheating in a relationship…well. That would require two entire people finding me attractive, and that’s not even plausible enough to discuss.

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