Dumb Criminals

Darwin claims another one, parents sue

Thursday, November 14th, 2002 • Filed under Uncategorized

Parents of a moronic MIT student who died while trying to get high off nitrous oxide are suing the college for failing to properly baby sit their 22-year old son. The Boston Herald reports that the suit “alleges MIT ‘breached their duty to provide reasonable care, supervision and oversight of students in dormitories,’ and ‘should have known’ there was ‘drug use’ at East Campus.”

Perhaps the parents should have known their dumb-ass 22-year old son was getting hopped up on laughing gas. Now they have the nerve to fault the university for failing to supervise their 22-year old son?

Just ONCE, I’d like to serve on a jury for one of these trials. (Like it’d ever get to trial) I’d love to see the mortified look on the parent’s faces when I stand up from the jury box and scream “YOUR IDIOT SON WAS A DOPEHEAD AND A MORON! YOU GET NOTHING! NOTHING!”

My insensitivity streak is in full view today.

Teen says video game inspired theft spree

Thursday, November 14th, 2002 • Filed under Uncategorized

Micah Zoerner, a Wisconsin teen, is blaming a video game for inspiring him to go out and steal cars.

In related news, Zoerner’s cell mate is blaming a gay porn video for inspiring him to sodomize his new teenaged friend.

Happy trails, Micah. I hope you like tossed salad.

Teen jailed for Halloween prank

Friday, November 1st, 2002 • Filed under Uncategorized

I did some dumb things when I was a kid, but never anything like this. Jumping onto a school cafeteria table loaded down with fake bombs and holding a fake gun in the air, an Arizona teenager started making threats that he was going to kill his fellow students. He then jumped down and tried to flee, but was apprehended.

The fact that he was in a ‘gun-free zone’ probably saved his life. Try this out in public, and someone might have started shooting.

The kid is being held for arraignment this morning. Given his prior convictions for drug possession, I don’t think the judge will go too lightly on him.

Third time, not a charm

Tuesday, October 22nd, 2002 • Filed under Uncategorized

When burglars are stupid enough to come back to the same house three times in a row, they deserve what they get.

Bernard Schwinn waited at home rather than go to work for the burglars to strike. A half an hour later, his door was kicked in and the burglars were met with a shotgun. The burglars fled, but one was apprehended. Schwinn fumbled with the safety a bit, but did get a shot off. Unfortunately, he missed.

Tips for Schwinn:

– If you know how to use a firearm, the only safety you need is a trigger.
– Buckshot is a lot more effective than bird shot.

Armed burglars pick wrong house

Saturday, October 12th, 2002 • Filed under Uncategorized

I love stories with happy endings.

In North Las Vegas, six burglars brazenly broke into a house while the homeowners were still inside. At least one of them was armed. Steve describes to the Las Vegas Sun how the perpetrators started beating on his front door and then kicked it in. He and his wife barricaded themselves in their bedroom while burglars were trying to open the bedroom door to get at them. Steve and his wife kept their head. Steve’s wife was dialing 911, while Steve unlocked his gun safe to retrieve his .380 pistol.

Steve loaded the firearm and shot two of the suspects, one in the shoulder and one in the buttocks. The suspects fled, but the man wounded in the buttocks was unable to scale the wall in the back yard and was apprehended. Steve’s neighbors helped out by purchasing and re-hanging a new front door, and scrubbing the blood stains out of his carpet. (That is a good neighbor)

While Steve did the right thing and was justified in protecting his home and family, I have a few suggestions for him:

— Never aim for the head, as he had admittedly done. A persons head is a small target, and you risk just grazing them. The body is a much bigger target, and a double tap to the chest is much more likely to fall an intruder.– I understand you have children, but locking up your gun in a safe may have cost you and your wife your lives. Locking up your unloaded gun put you even further at risk.

— Next time shoot to kill. Dead men don’t sue.

— Take your neighbors out to dinner.

This time the story had a happy ending. While gun control weenies would prefer to see Steve and his wife hide in their closet while they wait for police to arrive, I don’t follow that philosophy. Sure, peeing yourself and begging for mercy may save your life, but a hail of bullets almost always does. And if it just wasn’t meant to be, like MonkEspank always says, “I’d rather be gang-raped after I’m murdered than before.”

Sailor Spending Spree

Tuesday, October 8th, 2002 • Filed under Uncategorized

Sailors Used Gov’t Credit Cards to Hire Prostitutes

Hey, only congressmen can do that! And what kind of hooker takes credit cards?!

Blind and drunk

Monday, October 7th, 2002 • Filed under Uncategorized

What is more disturbing, that this drunk driver was also BLIND, or that the court only suspended her from driving for 30 months.

Hello.. she’s blind. Will she still be blind in 30 months?

Burglary Suspects Pick Wrong Victim

Tuesday, September 24th, 2002 • Filed under Uncategorized

Would-be burglars were in for a surprise when they allegedly broke into a Dallas policeman’s home. Senior Cpl. Chris Gilliam easily found and arrested one suspect, by following the trail of blood left by the sucking bullet wound in his thigh. The other suspect fled the scene and was arrested some time later.

Unfortunately, the injured suspect will probably make a complete recovery. He’ll probably sue the officer and the police force.

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