Dumb Criminals

Who Was that Unmasked Man?

Friday, December 8th, 2006 • Filed under Robberies

face_robbery_wanted.jpgIf movie great Lon Chaney was the master of disguise, we’ve found his nemesis, his doppleganger, his evil goatee sporting twin – a bank robber in New Zealand who took his mask off during a bank robbery.

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World’s Smallest Violin

Thursday, December 7th, 2006 • Filed under Murderers

Warren Messner and three other teens were convicted for beating Michael Roberts, a homeless man, to death. Messner was sentenced to 22 years in prison without the possibility of parole for jumping up and down on the mans chest, crushing his ribs. He showed no remorse at his trial, but after a few months in jail Messner’s tune has changed.

He didn’t feel bad then, but he does now. He has been in juvenile detention for eight months, locked in a small cell and occasionally allowed to go to class. Messner and his attorney said he has already learned his lesson and is ready to go home to help others.

Reminds me of Raising Arizona:

Ed McDonnough: You mean you busted out of jail.

Evelle: No, ma’am. We released ourselves on our own recognizance.

Gale: What my brother here means to say is that we felt that the institution no longer had anything to offer us.

“I want to be an inspirational speaker for troubled teens,” he said Monday. Messner got the lightest sentence of the four boys. Teens Jeffrey Spurgeon, Justin Stearns and Christopher Scamahorn got 27 to 35 years. They all cut plea deals to avoid life in prison. The state attorney said that’s as much leniency as they should get and the judge agreed. “I can’t think of some reason to change the sentence. I’m going to deny the motion,” said the Hon. Joseph Will. Messner’s parents broke down at the denial. His mother said it’s unfair, that her son fell in with a bad crowd and prison is killing him. “He’s not getting the mental health, the schooling. He’s not getting anything, anything but locked in a cell all day long,” Lori Messner said.

Michael Roberts could not be reached for comment.

The judge and the state both argued that being deprived services and being locked away is precisely the point of prison. Warren Messner will spend the next 22 years in prison without the chance for parole.

It reminds me of HBO’s America Undercover look at life inside of Lewisburg Federal Penitentiary. Their interview of an inmate went something like this:

INMATE: I believe that if you forgive yourself in the eyes of the Lord, than you should be set free of your bonds. And I’ve forgiven myself for what I’ve done, I’ve made amends, I think that I should be set free.

INTERVIEWER: What are you in for?

INMATE: [with a straight face] Triple murder. But I must have blacked out during that third murder, because they say I stabbed my sister 27 times and I only remember cutting her throat.

Take Some Time to Stop and Smoke Some Crack

Thursday, December 7th, 2006 • Filed under Cars, Drugs

images11.jpgONE OF LIFE’S LITTLE LESSONS #3609 – Crack and car chases go together like peanut butter and ass.

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The Dumb Leading the Blind

Wednesday, December 6th, 2006 • Filed under Cars, Drunks

images10.jpgThere’s two ways to look at this story: (1) Thank God this guy had the sense enough to know that he couldn’t drive because he had too much to drink, (2) Dear God this guy didn’t have enough sense to know he was asking a blind guy to drive for him.

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Jumping Into the Lions’ Den Covered in Bacon

Monday, December 4th, 2006 • Filed under Cars, Robberies

images-23.jpgRemember those old “Keystone Kops” movies (to those of you out there in BlogLand that are older than primordial slime) where some mixed up cop would drive away from the scene and into a police station in the midst of a high speed chase? Those were funny. Too bad stuff like that doesn’t happen in real life. Oh wait…

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Just Say “Du’h”

Monday, December 4th, 2006 • Filed under Drugs

images-11.jpgWhen you cover something for awhile, you start to notice certain trends. Political reporters begin to notice that politicians lie. Philadelphia sports writer began to notice that Terrell Owens was a raging a-hole. I am beginning to notice that drug users have about as much common sense as politicians and Terrell Owens…combined.

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Putting the “Old” in “Acapulco Gold”

Monday, December 4th, 2006 • Filed under Drugs

images9.jpgDrugs are always a stupid choice, but why do some people do it? There’s lots of reasons: loneliness, depression, lack of self-esteem or control, out of control BINGO habit. No I’m not kidding. I’m not that good of a writer.

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I Will Gladly Sue You Tuesday for a Hamburger Today

Saturday, November 25th, 2006 • Filed under Drugs, Updates

hamburger.jpgAnd now to follow up on a previous story involves two cops, two employees who sprinkled marijuana on their burgers and the fun time they all had together at their friendly neighborhood “Burger King” where you can have it your way (smothered in mayonnaise, bacon, artery clogging goodness and love).

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