Archive for 2007

When you try to steal a GPS device, there’s a slight problem with the plan. A fricking satellite that’s orbiting the fricking Earth can pinpoint your exact location from outer fricking space. You’re fricked.

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When you call police and tell them that someone broke into your home and stole your Playstation and your pot, you aren’t just pulling the biggest bonehead move of the year by telling police you do drugs, you’re also making my job much, much easier. Keep it up!

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Sing along with us everybody! Ohhhhh, weeeee, loooooooove, cheese! We think it’s really great! Oh we love cheese! We want some on our plate. We love any kind as long its cheese in liquid or solid form. If we don’t have our cheese, we’ll feel forlorn. So give us cheese or give us death, that’s what we said. Serve it to us so we can shove it in our head.

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I’ve always wondered what the weirdest vehicle that anyone ever drove drunk could be. This isn’t it, but it’s an actual thought I’ve had. Here’s some of the favorites my mind came up with when it wasn’t thinking about boobies: the Mystery Machine, the car from “My Mother, the Car,” the Delorian from “Back to the Future,” a Delorian, the Oscar Meyer Weinermobile.

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Far be it from us to perpetuate stereotypes and cliches surrounding our police officers. We’re grateful for the job they do and don’t wish to smear their reputations for the sake of a cheap joke. The problem is we’re also huge hypocrites and love cheap jokes the way Charlie Sheen loves cheap whores.

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This just in from the Dumb Criminals 24-hour News Center located behind the Rutland Crematorium in Southpaw, New Jersey: Michael Vick is going to jail.

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ONE OF LIFE’S LITTLE LESSONS #451 - If you fail to plan, you plan to fail. If you fail, your father will tell you you’re a loser until you cry yourself to sleep on your Star Wars sheets and then you’ll grow up to be an underpaid blogger who leeches off the Associated Press and still sleeps on Star Wars sheets. Arg, I need some whiskey.

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We have to say this story gave us two complete different but simultaneous responses: (1) they got what they deserved and (2) what the hell was the woman doing with that dead rabbit in her handbag?

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