Dumb Criminals

Livin’ In The Fridge

Saturday, November 26th, 2011 • Filed under Other, Other Weapons

It’s a pretty tough call between which is better, a puppy or a significant other. On one hand, a puppy won’t leave if you start to put on a few pounds, and they never argue about what to watch. Then again, it’s not like your dog can take you out to dinner and insist you’re the most beautiful woman in the world.

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What Not To Wear: Criminal Edition

Saturday, November 26th, 2011 • Filed under Drunks

The things people wear never cease to amaze me. And not in the good OMG-that’s-sooooo-cute-where-can-I-get-one way. I’m talking leopard tights instead of pants, T-shirts basically cursing people out, and skirts that leave absolutely nothing to the imagination…

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At Least She Doesn’t Sparkle

Monday, November 21st, 2011 • Filed under Assaults

Judging from my observations, the hype for the release of Breaking Dawn was pleasantly nearly non-existent. Possibly because Harry Potter overtook it, or because Kristen Stewart can conjure up even less emotion than a paper bag.

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And It’s Not Even Thanksgiving Yet

Monday, November 21st, 2011 • Filed under Burglaries

As a kid, my belief in Santa Claus was always challenged by wondering why he couldn’t just go through the front door. Not to mention my concern for the kids who didn’t have chimneys. But why would a guy who can fly around the world with millions of gifts in one night have to adhere to conventional entrances?

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I Think I’ll Stick To Burger Time…

Saturday, November 12th, 2011 • Filed under Other

One of the greatest mysteries presented over and over to the female population is that of…video games. Especially the violent, bloody, shoot-that-guy-over-there-and-that-guy-and-that-guy-and-THAT-guy kind.

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Crayons, Stat!

Saturday, November 12th, 2011 • Filed under Murderers

Plastic surgery? Ick. Even the name sounds gross….like they’re inserting Legos into your organ systems. Which, really, isn’t any more ridiculous than implanting rubber inside some rich chick’s lady-parts. Or those who fork over tons of money to get multiple shots…in their face.

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And Stay Away From My Indy Whip

Saturday, November 5th, 2011 • Filed under Murderers

Okay. I apologize to all you George Lucas nuts out there, but I…just…don’t…get it. The Star Wars Saga not only manages to span the entire galaxy, but also the whole spectrum of boring. Anakin Skywalker seems to create more drama than a Disney Channel teen, and Yoda is nothing more than a walking self-help book.

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Been A Pleasu–BAM!

Thursday, November 3rd, 2011 • Filed under Drugs, Murderers

People are always weird about money, it seems. “Hey Jeff, can I borrow a dollar? I simply cannot survive another second without exposing my digestive system to this highly caffeinated and fattening beverage.” “Sorry, man.” “(insert look of complete and utter contempt)….it’s fine.”

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