Dumb Criminals

Ex-Ho Ho Ho

Friday, November 7th, 2014 • Filed under Break-Ins

‘Twas night before Christmas, all through the house, not a creature was stirring…except for some lady chilling in the chimney. It’s the classic tale of the creepy ex-girlfriend stalker, this time with a Christmas twist! Is it too early for seasonal fun?

Read more »

Next Time Just Call The Pizza Guy

Friday, November 7th, 2014 • Filed under Drunks

How desperate have you been for a date? I once asked my group of friends if they’d sleep with their professors in college, and for some wild reason, everyone said no…at least “not until I had completed the course”. Well. Maybe I should seek new friends elsewhere.

Read more »

(Mug) Shots Fired

Tuesday, October 7th, 2014 • Filed under Guns, Robberies, Technology

I remember at one point I was trying to untag a very unflattering photograph of myself on Facebook. I was then interrogated by the website, asking if the photo was pornographic, illegal, triggering, etc. Unfortunately, there was no choice saying “seeing my braces brings back PTSD” or “offensive double chin: extremely triggering”.

Read more »

“That’s A Tortoise!”

Sunday, September 28th, 2014 • Filed under Smugglers

The first article on this site ever written by yours truly involved wildlife smuggling. (No, not wildlife snuggling, unfortunately.) Today we’ll bring it full circle with a crazy Canadian eh?

Read more »

Specialty Toppings

Thursday, September 18th, 2014 • Filed under Other Weapons

How much do you trust the people making your food? Do you really trust the guy taking smoke breaks every 10 seconds to smoke your barbecue? How about the guy with hair greasier than pizza to make your pizza? The girl incessantly coughing to make your coffee?

Read more »

The Lion, The Witch, and Dat Dank Kush

Thursday, September 11th, 2014 • Filed under Drugs

Everybody knows that DARE week at school is just an excuse for druggie hipsters to be even more ironic. If I recall correctly, the same kid who hugged me while supposedly high on meth was sporting a red rubber band bracelet a week later. Really, all I gathered from this occurrence was that someone had to be REALLY f***ed up before he found me huggable. 🙁

Read more »

No Corny Jokes Here

Thursday, September 11th, 2014 • Filed under Break-Ins

Fair food. The owners of probably the most unfair smells ever to reach my nostrils. Walking around with your family? Here, each of you can gnaw on a sausage on a stick. On a first date with a cute girl person thing? Here, eviscerate a giant turkey leg in front of her. Nothing turns on a woman more than loose bird flesh dangling from your kissing machine.

Read more »

Not So Happy Feet

Sunday, August 24th, 2014 • Filed under Shop Lifting

Remember a few years ago when every Hollywood studio spontaneously lost its mind over penguins? Cinema screens across the world were graced with surfing penguins, dancing penguins…and then actual penguins freezing to death in the cold (thanks a bunch, Warner Independent). Penguins are nothing new. They’ve been walking around–technically upside down–on the earth’s belly since, you know, the dawn of time.

Read more »

« Back · More Dumb Criminal Stories »

Criminals by Email

I'll email you every time we post a new dumb criminal.

Sign up!
You'll like it, I promise!

Don't worry &mdash I won't email you about anything else.

Best of the Network

Real Haunted Houses
Who says ghosts aren't real? We have catalogued hundreds of haunted houses.

Dumb Warnings
"Wearing of this garment does not enable you to fly." You won't believe these warnings!