Dumb Criminals

Instant Karma

Friday, December 11th, 2015 • Filed under Theft

What’s the most desperate you’ve been for alcohol? Maybe you don’t know anyone well enough at a party and you need to be hammered before gathering the confidence to even introduce yourself. Worse yet, maybe you’re stuck at a family gathering where you know people too well, eyeing an entire bottle of wine you couldn’t realistically afford a glass of.

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Yet Where is His Screenplay?

Friday, December 11th, 2015 • Filed under Other

Hipsters are a plague. Sometimes when I’m in a small, artsy town, all I’m trying to do is enjoy my iced soy coffee and write poetry in my journal shaded by my kitschy sunhat when suddenly I’m surrounded by several Mr. McFlannel Vapebeard. Strangely enough, they all seem to want to speak to me…as though I’m one of them?

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This’ll Crack You Up

Friday, December 11th, 2015 • Filed under Cars, Vandalism

I remember when my little sister was angry at a boy, my best friend and I contrived a beautiful repertoire of revenge possibilities. This included writing his phone number on bathroom stalls and throwing a chai latte at the kid’s new girlfriend. Why that particular beverage? Her name was Charlotte, which we ever so spitefully pronounced Char-latte. Good thing my high school freshman sister possessed enough impulse control for the both of us and no plan came to fruition.

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Is That You, No-Face?

Friday, December 11th, 2015 • Filed under Break-Ins

Recall some of your wildest childhood fantasies. Did you want to fly? Talk to animals? As a kid, I remember wanting to lock myself in a grocery store overnight and eat everything possible. Thank God my metabolism caught up with me before my mature sense of logic did. Unfortunately, one guy experienced this revelation a little too late.

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A Modest Proposal

Sunday, November 22nd, 2015 • Filed under Other

What was your favorite fairy tale as a child? I always preferred Hansel and Gretel. Not for the quaint representation of German country life, for the memorable values instilled by the story arch, the chilling idea that evil exists most fervently under a harmless guise, or for the admirably perspicacious nature of the children…no, a house made of food seemed damn cool.

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A Crime Worse Than Anchovies

Tuesday, November 3rd, 2015 • Filed under Break-Ins, Robberies

What would you do for a good pizza? Due to the misfortune of living off dining hall garbage and Domino’s toxic waste for several months, I’d kill someone for legitimate saucy, cheesy, New York style heroin. If you don’t know what it’s like to risk a prison sentence for pizza, you’ve probably only had Papa John’s.

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Certifiably Insane Good

Friday, October 16th, 2015 • Filed under Other

Have your parents ever gone on health binges or tried fad diets? Unfortunately, when you’re young and unable to cook, you have little choice but to follow suit. My aunt knows a family with four small children attempting to eat entirely vegan in the middle of Tennessee, which resulted in my cousins secretly giving away their pizza as an indisputably sacrificial act of charity.

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Not Quite Manna

Friday, October 16th, 2015 • Filed under Drugs

While the addictive properties of marijuana are not quite proven to exist, I have observed that the people who need weed…need…weed. That’s why a high school friend of mine constructed a bong from a flashlight with the use of duct tape (at that point, it probably wasn’t the toxins from the drug affecting his brain) and why another friend smoked out of apples until his mother remarked on how healthily he was eating.

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