Dumb Criminals

Serving His Time…Of the Month

Friday, October 16th, 2015 • Filed under Robberies

It’s halfway into Halloween month, meaning people lacking astute foresight are scrambling to contrive a fake identity when all the good ones have already been taken. After nearly a day of brainstorming, my friend was finally inspired to dress as Wine Wednesday: Wednesday Addams holding a wine bottle.

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In the Doghouse

Friday, October 16th, 2015 • Filed under Cars, Drugs, Drunks

Why do we love when pets act like people? Is our species-wide sense of narcissism quite that powerful, or do we prefer the simple responsibility of animals over the all-encompassing responsibility of smaller people? Either way, cats who sit upright and dogs who shake hands consistently captivates the heart of America.

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Thursday, September 17th, 2015 • Filed under Drugs, Theft

Remember the age old saying “If he picks on you, it means he likes you.”? Clearly when a boy calls you fat, it’s because he’s imagining you carrying his firstborn with all the grace of a life-bringing earth goddess. When a boy steals your phone, he’s subliminally reassuring you that you’ll never have to worry about financing your own purchases again.  So ladies, next time Trey or Chad or Tyler or Trent pulls this crap, you’ll know you’ve found the one.

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BLOW Out the Candles

Friday, September 11th, 2015 • Filed under Drugs

Nothing causes me to fear for society’s future quite like reality shows centered on birthday parties. Have we, as a nation, regressed in intellect so far as to find ourselves entranced by enormous dresses, spoiled children, and strobe lights beckoning us from a television screen? Are we worshipping the mundane, idolizing the bourgeoisie, and perpetuating the stagnancy? Absolutely. Somebody better let Banksy know.

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Herzog Would Have A Field Day

Friday, August 21st, 2015 • Filed under Other

Calling all hippies. What’s the most mentally unstable activity in which you’d partake for the sake of nature? Would you camp alone for days Paulsen-style? Dogsled through the arctic London-style? Or would you quit eating meat Thoreau-style? No matter which, you’re pretentious.

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Luke Has Nothing On This

Friday, August 21st, 2015 • Filed under Drunks

I always wonder why lesbians are burdened with the stereotype of having daddy issues. Throughout my experience, I have found that the most potent concentration of daddy issues exists within the population of straight boys. Maybe it’s because the responsibility of filling the patriarchal position looms ahead or maybe they just fear their secret weed stash being discovered…either way, straight boys have this psychological phenomenon monopolized.

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Appetite for Destruction

Wednesday, August 5th, 2015 • Filed under Other Weapons

Can you imagine if Bob the Builder had a bloodthirsty vengeance? Perhaps instead of traipsing throughout Spring City performing pro bono construction work on buildings that need repair, he is the instrument of disaster himself?  Scoop the catalyst of ruination and Muck the instigator of demolition? It all makes for a storyline even more terrifying than the haunting animation of the scarecrow.

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A Heated Argument

Sunday, July 26th, 2015 • Filed under Other

Although you may think detailing the weekly atrocities of the dumb criminal world is a career lucrative enough to fund my Starbucks dependence, the sad truth is that I also work a part-time job at a local burger franchise. There is enough grease in the kitchen to make John Travolta experience PTSD flashbacks, and flies taunt the employees by procreating in mid-air. The worst part, however, was that the air conditioner was not working throughout most of the 90 degree Georgia summer.

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