Paris Surrenders: A Special Report
Friday, September 8th, 2006 • Filed under Cars, Drunks
This just in from our 24-hour Dumb Criminals Action News Center (aka the dumpster behind Denny’s): hotel heiress, media darling and anti-eating spokeswoman Paris Hilton has been arrested for driving under the influence. How does this make her a “dumb criminal”? Well, before she was a dumb celebrity, now she’s been charged with a crime, which makes her a criminal. That makes her a dumb criminal in my book.
LOS ANGELES (AP) — For most celebrities, getting smacked with a DUI is an instant image crisis. For Paris Hilton, it could be a career boost.
“Paris Hilton being arrested just makes her more famous,” said veteran publicist Michael Levine. “She has devoted her entire adult life to appearing to be the princess of parties.”
Hilton’s publicist, Elliot Mintz, confirmed the star’s festive nature yesterday: “She’s been known to have a drink or two.”
Hilton was arrested by Los Angeles police officers in Hollywood early yesterday on suspicion of driving under the influence. During the arrest she was briefly handcuffed. Hilton was booked at LAPD’s Hollywood station at 1:43 a.m. and released shortly after, said Nick Velasquez, a spokesperson for the city attorney’s office.
She’s been known to have “a drink or two?” Was I the only person who watched “The Simple Life”? (Don’t answer that.) This chick is such a drunk that Tara Reid is her AA sponsor.
Truth be told, it was just a matter of time before the fuzz nabbed this outlaw. In fact, Las Vegas bookies had been running odds on what she was going to be arrested for first…
* Kidnapping for drunkenly mistaking a family’s toddler for her darling Tinkerbell – 2 to 1.
* Public lewdness for having drunken sex with a total stranger in a Greyhound bus station ticket office in Palestine, Texas because it was the only public place in America where she hadn’t had sex yet – 7 to 1.
* Getting in a fist fight with Gary Kasparov over a rousing (drunken) game of chess – 67,899,938,001 to 1.
But all kidding aside, an arrest like this can only do wonders for her career, which is a shame because getting arrested for drunk driving shouldn’t be a reward. I hope Mr. Hilton has enough sense to take away the keys to her helicopter and send her to her room, the one without the jewel encrusted llamas and Chippendale’s powder room.
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