Dumb Criminals


Thursday, September 17th, 2015 • Filed under Drugs, Theft

Remember the age old saying “If he picks on you, it means he likes you.”? Clearly when a boy calls you fat, it’s because he’s imagining you carrying his firstborn with all the grace of a life-bringing earth goddess. When a boy steals your phone, he’s subliminally reassuring you that you’ll never have to worry about financing your own purchases again.  So ladies, next time Trey or Chad or Tyler or Trent pulls this crap, you’ll know you’ve found the one.

A man in Pittsburgh was in a difficult situation after trying to steal a cellphone off the Wal Mart shelf, but not because he was immediately noticed. He alerted employees and patrons of his presence when he accidentally stabbed himself with the knife he was using to cut the phone free. According to Huffington Post, he went so far as to grab a towel off the shelf to staunch the blood that was dripping onto the floor as he made his incredibly surreptitious exit. Police caught up with him at the hospital where they interviewed his mother, who reassured them that he had only committed such an act due to heroin abuse. Hopefully he’ll learn to just wait for the upgrade.

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