Dumb Criminals

Horse Lick

horse lickSome dumb criminal stories shock me that people would do such things. But some dumb criminal stories shock me that people would do such things — and there has to be a law preventing said people from doing it again.

SANTA BARBARA, Ca. (Lompoc Record) — Santa Barbara County sheriff’s deputies found a bizarre scene Wednesday morning when they stopped outside the La Purisima Mission to investigate an empty car.

Thinking they would find a suspect trespassing on state park property, deputies discovered 69-year-old Alfred Thomas Steven of Huntington Beach naked and coated in olive oil and oats in the sheep enclosure.

When deputies confronted Steven, they found that he had a loaded .357 revolver, officials said. Steven also allegedly admitted that he was enacting a fantasy and he drove up to the mission, at 2295 Purisima Road, from Huntington Beach for that purpose.

Wow, I’ll never look at olive oil, oats or naked fat men without getting violently sick ever again.

According to the story, Steven received several misdemeanor charges including sexually assaulting an animal, animal cruelty and violating the city’s leash law.

Deputies said none of the animals were hurt, but Steven was when he realized the phone number he got from one of the horses turned out to be an Arby’s in Santa Anna.



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5 Comments »

  1. Jon Said,

    March 8, 2007 @ 11:33 am

    Oh.
    My.
    God.
    Blrgh… *runs for bathroom*
  2. hollo Said,

    April 17, 2007 @ 10:08 am

    wow man this is mad crazy
  3. opp Said,

    June 5, 2007 @ 10:55 am

    YUMMY, I like oats!!! psych!!!!!!! DUMB ASSSS
  4. Mad Red Queen Said,

    September 25, 2007 @ 8:58 am

    OMFG. Thank GOD it was the cops who found his creepy a**, and not some innocent farmer. Seriously, who would want to walk in on Steven rubbing up against a cow, covered in nothing but olive oil & oates, and whispering, “You’re such a beautiful cow, succchhh a pretttyyy cow.”?!
  5. Dennis Said,

    February 29, 2008 @ 1:03 pm

    I agree with Mad Red Queen….thats just…………..WRONG!

    *Turns green and vomits on laptop*…Damn, i just got this thing replaced….O well…Who’s a preeeeetty cow! XD

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