Dumb Criminals

What Happens in Public Stays in Public

Sunday, March 6th, 2016 • Filed under Other

Personally I always found Ferris wheels to be a bit overrated. Perhaps if they moved quicker or actually turned the passenger upside down at the bottom or even lacked any sort of safety device, I’d be more inclined to spend money calmly rotating on a large circle. As it stands, Ferris wheels are nothing but circular ski lifts leading nowhere, similar to my entire life.


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Supposedly Like a Carrot Stick

Saturday, March 5th, 2016 • Filed under Assaults, Shop Lifting

Upon rewatching the Lord of the Rings trilogy nearly ten years after my first exposure, I was most struck by the silliness of the films. How had I been so emotionally invested in hairy-footed tiny people wielding glowing swords against the likes of mass-produced monsters and flaming eyeballs? At least I could still relate to the musical praise placed on “taters”.


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See Ya Later Alligator

Saturday, March 5th, 2016 • Filed under Other Weapons

Wildlife can be a real issue in rural areas of the country. People find snakes in toilets, scorpions on beds, children in public places. Luckily, animal control and extermination services across the nation have cracked down on the issue, as portrayed in classic cinema masterpieces such as Over the Hedge, Hoot, and Madagascar.


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Scattered, Smothered, Arrested

Thursday, February 25th, 2016 • Filed under Drugs

Posing a question to my fellow college town inhabitants and all others with fond memories…when was the last time you were completely sober in a Waffle House? Worse yet, when was the last time you were throwing up while completely sober? I’ll give you a hint, it was whenever you were sober in a Waffle House.


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Young Man, I Will Turn This Car Around!

Thursday, January 28th, 2016 • Filed under Assaults, Cars, Guns

Let us take this moment to appreciate all the DD’s of the world. Not Dunkin Donuts, not ample breasts, but designated drivers. Luckily because my driving skills are perilous at best while sober, I have never had the experience of a car filled with people screaming, vomiting, and possibly f***ing. At least Uber drivers are paid.


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Hey! Teacher!

Wednesday, January 20th, 2016 • Filed under Uncategorized

Every smoker I’ve encountered claims there’s nothing that makes them want to light up more than an anti-smoking ad. There’s nothing like corny t-shirts, aesthetically assailing posters, and amateur commercials to incite the need for self-imposed cancer. Surprisingly, there is a certain amount of self-control involved in remaining a highly addicted nicotine fiend, such as refusing the urge to start smoking whatever whenever and wherever.


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Ding Dong

Tuesday, January 5th, 2016 • Filed under Other

Know what my least favorite part of Christmas season is? It isn’t gaining 10 pounds in one week or socializing with extended family inquiring as to the well-being of a boyfriend dumped several months prior. No, the Salvation Army bell-ringers drive me up the department store walls.  Nothing makes me want to rob the homeless more than these bright red overzealous instrumentalists. I thought I left those behind in high school marching band, along with any fragment of a conscience.


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Should’ve Used the Scented Band-Aids

Tuesday, January 5th, 2016 • Filed under Vandalism

I know what you’ve all been wondering. What is the most overhyped meat product? Not Lunchables, not Totino’s pizza rolls, not even Doritos Locos Tacos (I promise I’m not stoned right now). No, it is in fact the greasy weapon most often wielded online by both militant vegans and carnist neckbeards alike. Bacon.


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