Dumb Criminals

Young Man, I Will Turn This Car Around!

Thursday, January 28th, 2016 • Filed under Assaults, Cars, Guns

Let us take this moment to appreciate all the DD’s of the world. Not Dunkin Donuts, not ample breasts, but designated drivers. Luckily because my driving skills are perilous at best while sober, I have never had the experience of a car filled with people screaming, vomiting, and possibly f***ing. At least Uber drivers are paid.

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Hey! Teacher!

Wednesday, January 20th, 2016 • Filed under Uncategorized

Every smoker I’ve encountered claims there’s nothing that makes them want to light up more than an anti-smoking ad. There’s nothing like corny t-shirts, aesthetically assailing posters, and amateur commercials to incite the need for self-imposed cancer. Surprisingly, there is a certain amount of self-control involved in remaining a highly addicted nicotine fiend, such as refusing the urge to start smoking whatever whenever and wherever.

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Ding Dong

Tuesday, January 5th, 2016 • Filed under Other

Know what my least favorite part of Christmas season is? It isn’t gaining 10 pounds in one week or socializing with extended family inquiring as to the well-being of a boyfriend dumped several months prior. No, the Salvation Army bell-ringers drive me up the department store walls.  Nothing makes me want to rob the homeless more than these bright red overzealous instrumentalists. I thought I left those behind in high school marching band, along with any fragment of a conscience.

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Should’ve Used the Scented Band-Aids

Tuesday, January 5th, 2016 • Filed under Vandalism

I know what you’ve all been wondering. What is the most overhyped meat product? Not Lunchables, not Totino’s pizza rolls, not even Doritos Locos Tacos (I promise I’m not stoned right now). No, it is in fact the greasy weapon most often wielded online by both militant vegans and carnist neckbeards alike. Bacon.

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Instant Karma

Friday, December 11th, 2015 • Filed under Theft

What’s the most desperate you’ve been for alcohol? Maybe you don’t know anyone well enough at a party and you need to be hammered before gathering the confidence to even introduce yourself. Worse yet, maybe you’re stuck at a family gathering where you know people too well, eyeing an entire bottle of wine you couldn’t realistically afford a glass of.

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Yet Where is His Screenplay?

Friday, December 11th, 2015 • Filed under Other

Hipsters are a plague. Sometimes when I’m in a small, artsy town, all I’m trying to do is enjoy my iced soy coffee and write poetry in my journal shaded by my kitschy sunhat when suddenly I’m surrounded by several Mr. McFlannel Vapebeard. Strangely enough, they all seem to want to speak to me…as though I’m one of them?

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This’ll Crack You Up

Friday, December 11th, 2015 • Filed under Cars, Vandalism

I remember when my little sister was angry at a boy, my best friend and I contrived a beautiful repertoire of revenge possibilities. This included writing his phone number on bathroom stalls and throwing a chai latte at the kid’s new girlfriend. Why that particular beverage? Her name was Charlotte, which we ever so spitefully pronounced Char-latte. Good thing my high school freshman sister possessed enough impulse control for the both of us and no plan came to fruition.

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Is That You, No-Face?

Friday, December 11th, 2015 • Filed under Break-Ins

Recall some of your wildest childhood fantasies. Did you want to fly? Talk to animals? As a kid, I remember wanting to lock myself in a grocery store overnight and eat everything possible. Thank God my metabolism caught up with me before my mature sense of logic did. Unfortunately, one guy experienced this revelation a little too late.

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