Dumb Criminals

Not a Time Machine Either

Sunday, March 1st, 2015 • Filed under Break-Ins

Every once in a while, I think back to this ad I saw in middle school health class. I can’t quite remember the context, but I do know it was an illustration of a group of people relaxing in a hot tub. However, the hot tub was a cauldron in some exotic forest and the people were blissfully unaware of their grisly fate. I remember thinking “what a way to go”. Because I can’t remember any reason behind being shown this ad, it’s possible I had actually ignored every other part of health class and was hallucinating off of something.


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Bruce Would Be Disappointed

Tuesday, February 24th, 2015 • Filed under Burglaries

My favorite action flick is Die Hard. My favorite Christmas movie is Die Hard. My favorite food is Die Hard. My favorite color is Die Hard. The movie is no doubt important, but was it important enough to spark a crime?


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Maybe He Was Just in Freshmen English 101

Monday, February 16th, 2015 • Filed under Cars

What’s the worst place you’ve ever fallen asleep? A while ago, I had a nightmare I fell asleep while driving. Once I wrecked my car, I was so relieved that I could sleep because I didn’t have to drive anymore. As a little girl (in real life!), I performed in musicals at my church, and my father used to see me nodding off…while standing up, singing songs…in front of people.  Can you top that?


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Tailgate Scandal

Saturday, February 7th, 2015 • Filed under Murderers

How extravagant was your Superbowl party? Did you indulge in brand-name sweet tea instead of the Publix kind? Did you grill the type of hamburgers that have the cheese inside? No matter what, I’m sure your party was as rocking as Katy’s left shark.


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Is This Weed Still Kosher?

Saturday, February 7th, 2015 • Filed under Drugs

Throughout time, pigs have been an important motif in several works. Everything from the classic novel Lord of the Flies to the British anthology series Black Mirror has employed a pig in some way or another. So what’s the pig deal? Turns out the Sus scrofa domesticus is more sus than you may think.


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“I Look Pretty Tall But My Heels Are High”

Monday, January 26th, 2015 • Filed under Other

Who doesn’t love substitute teachers? They’re adorable, clueless, and easily persuaded that your regular teacher lets you take all of your tests with partners…if you’re lucky. If you’re not, your class might be ruled over by one notorious for abuse of power and lectures on cell phone use. Still, you’ll never be as traumatized as this class…


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Honk Honk

Monday, January 19th, 2015 • Filed under Cars

What are two events that should never mix? Sex and driving. What are two events that often mix? Sex and driving. Someone I knew said a coworker of his had a girl on top of him whilst driving down a dirt path (a very dirty path indeed). In a favorite novel of mine, road head eventually leads to an ghost that just won’t quit hanging around…sort of like an annoying ex?


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One Hit and You’re McGone-aughey

Saturday, January 10th, 2015 • Filed under Drugs

Which movies of this year have you seen so far? My favorite space film is either Guardians of the Galaxy or Interstellar. I suppose I could include Inherent Vice, considering I spent the entire movie completely spaced out. However, it was Interstellar that prompted my fellow cinephile to utter the words “I’m going to film a documonaughey about Matthew McConaughey.” Weeks later I’m still laughing…and Inherent Vice still hasn’t ended.


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