Dumb Criminals

At Least Nash Is Happy

Sunday, May 25th, 2014 • Filed under Cars

What’s the deal with body hair removal? Just something for militant Tumblr feminists to whine over? To be fair, I don’t want my significant other to look simian, whether male or female.


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Godzilla Spoiler Alert

Sunday, May 18th, 2014 • Filed under Cars, Theft

Have you ever had a driving nightmare? I’ve had them countless times, and I only just got my license. Subconsciously however, sometimes I’m driving from the backseat. Sometimes my brake and gas pedals switch. Sometimes Linkin Park is playing through the speakers. Sometimes I have bumper stickers on my car. The list goes on.


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Ninjas Don’t Bake Pumpkin Pies

Sunday, May 18th, 2014 • Filed under Uncategorized

What if everything you once thought was cool came back to haunt you? Maybe the members of Blink 182 show up at your job interview to remind you of your pop punk phase. Or you accidentally start yelling in Klingon as you and your significant other reach the end of coitus. When I was in middle school, everyone thought wearing fedoras and discussing ninjas was acceptable.


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Doggone It

Wednesday, May 7th, 2014 • Filed under Assaults

What are the world’s biggest mysteries? Stonehenge, probably. Amelia Earhart? Yup. Why M. Night Shyamalan keeps making films? It’s all a conspiracy man, but possibly the scariest unknown would be the contents of a hot dog.


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Bathroom Dreams

Wednesday, May 7th, 2014 • Filed under Break-Ins, Corrupt Cops

Have you ever had the dreams where you just REALLY need to urinate? But you can’t find a single viable bathroom? Maybe the public bathroom is on a stage, or maybe it’s the worst toilet in Scotland. Unfortunately, this is a reality for some.


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Hook Em

Wednesday, May 7th, 2014 • Filed under Assaults, Drugs, Drunks

What are the “popular” kids at school like? What does that word even entail? Money, probably. Money spent on fake tans and hideous rainbow lacrosse shorts, I hope. Usually some kind of lavish vacations to the Cancumudappines and ostentatious homes as well.


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Wasn’t In a Cigarette Though

Wednesday, April 2nd, 2014 • Filed under Other Weapons

Possessiveness is a dangerous aspect of relationships that is often romanticized. While everyone wants someone who cares, nobody wants someone constantly looking through his/her text messages or becoming jealous over every sentient creature. “Did you REALLY just pet that dog when I’M right here???”


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Turn Down For What

Sunday, March 23rd, 2014 • Filed under Drugs

Nothing makes me want to do drugs less than hearing people talk about doing drugs. “Yeah MAANNN I couldn’t even FEEL my extra toes.” “BRUH that’s so sick-nasty but I ate an entire mac-n-cheese PIZZA remember???” Like no thanks, I can eat just as much and be just as pseudo-philosophical without having to laboriously hotbox anything.


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