Dumb Criminals

An Advertisement Campaign Idea

Saturday, April 9th, 2016 • Filed under Other

What would you do for a cup of coffee in the morning? I say all the time I’d murder someone for caffeine when in reality I refuse to even drag myself out of bed to start the Keurig. Either my addiction isn’t as dangerously pronounced as I once thought, or the death of an innocent is preferable to exiting my covers.


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Rock Bottom

Saturday, April 9th, 2016 • Filed under Assaults

How far would you go to speak to an attractive member of the opposite sex? No longer do people write their phone numbers down on napkins or follow them off the bus or…hell, even really interact with each other at all. Most initial communication is now done over social media, as it saves face. However, this man displays enormous courage even in the face of rejection.


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What Happens in Public Stays in Public

Sunday, March 6th, 2016 • Filed under Other

Personally I always found Ferris wheels to be a bit overrated. Perhaps if they moved quicker or actually turned the passenger upside down at the bottom or even lacked any sort of safety device, I’d be more inclined to spend money calmly rotating on a large circle. As it stands, Ferris wheels are nothing but circular ski lifts leading nowhere, similar to my entire life.


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Supposedly Like a Carrot Stick

Saturday, March 5th, 2016 • Filed under Assaults, Shop Lifting

Upon rewatching the Lord of the Rings trilogy nearly ten years after my first exposure, I was most struck by the silliness of the films. How had I been so emotionally invested in hairy-footed tiny people wielding glowing swords against the likes of mass-produced monsters and flaming eyeballs? At least I could still relate to the musical praise placed on “taters”.


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See Ya Later Alligator

Saturday, March 5th, 2016 • Filed under Other Weapons

Wildlife can be a real issue in rural areas of the country. People find snakes in toilets, scorpions on beds, children in public places. Luckily, animal control and extermination services across the nation have cracked down on the issue, as portrayed in classic cinema masterpieces such as Over the Hedge, Hoot, and Madagascar.


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Scattered, Smothered, Arrested

Thursday, February 25th, 2016 • Filed under Drugs

Posing a question to my fellow college town inhabitants and all others with fond memories…when was the last time you were completely sober in a Waffle House? Worse yet, when was the last time you were throwing up while completely sober? I’ll give you a hint, it was whenever you were sober in a Waffle House.


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Young Man, I Will Turn This Car Around!

Thursday, January 28th, 2016 • Filed under Assaults, Cars, Guns

Let us take this moment to appreciate all the DD’s of the world. Not Dunkin Donuts, not ample breasts, but designated drivers. Luckily because my driving skills are perilous at best while sober, I have never had the experience of a car filled with people screaming, vomiting, and possibly f***ing. At least Uber drivers are paid.


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Hey! Teacher!

Wednesday, January 20th, 2016 • Filed under Uncategorized

Every smoker I’ve encountered claims there’s nothing that makes them want to light up more than an anti-smoking ad. There’s nothing like corny t-shirts, aesthetically assailing posters, and amateur commercials to incite the need for self-imposed cancer. Surprisingly, there is a certain amount of self-control involved in remaining a highly addicted nicotine fiend, such as refusing the urge to start smoking whatever whenever and wherever.


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