Dumb Criminals

Get Out of Jail Free Card

Saturday, November 29th, 2014 • Filed under Assaults

What are your favorite board games? I grew up on Candyland, but unfortunately became too advanced for that pretty quickly. I still play it with various children every once in a while, mostly because my full-grown father still gets worked up playing a strange game that involves marbles in a colorful, spinning bowl.

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That’s Still A Tortoise

Sunday, November 16th, 2014 • Filed under Assaults

How slow are turtles really? Considering Franklin the Turtle has been an elementary school student throughout my entire childhood, my guess is that turtles are extremely slow. I’ve seen them eat their salad in the zoo, and the only creature that takes longer to eat vegetables is me.

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Eat Fresh (And Get On the Effing Ground)

Saturday, November 8th, 2014 • Filed under Robberies

Part of growing up is understanding that I don’t have to abide by my family’s regulations concerning food any longer. Caffeine makes my mom jittery, yet I drink at least two cups a day in order to ensure a stunted growth and lifelong stimulant addiction. My family also despises Subway, yet nothing appeals to me more than room-temperature veggies on soggy bread.

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Ex-Ho Ho Ho

Friday, November 7th, 2014 • Filed under Break-Ins

‘Twas night before Christmas, all through the house, not a creature was stirring…except for some lady chilling in the chimney. It’s the classic tale of the creepy ex-girlfriend stalker, this time with a Christmas twist! Is it too early for seasonal fun?

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Next Time Just Call The Pizza Guy

Friday, November 7th, 2014 • Filed under Drunks

How desperate have you been for a date? I once asked my group of friends if they’d sleep with their professors in college, and for some wild reason, everyone said no…at least “not until I had completed the course”. Well. Maybe I should seek new friends elsewhere.

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(Mug) Shots Fired

Tuesday, October 7th, 2014 • Filed under Guns, Robberies, Technology

I remember at one point I was trying to untag a very unflattering photograph of myself on Facebook. I was then interrogated by the website, asking if the photo was pornographic, illegal, triggering, etc. Unfortunately, there was no choice saying “seeing my braces brings back PTSD” or “offensive double chin: extremely triggering”.

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“That’s A Tortoise!”

Sunday, September 28th, 2014 • Filed under Smugglers

The first article on this site ever written by yours truly involved wildlife smuggling. (No, not wildlife snuggling, unfortunately.) Today we’ll bring it full circle with a crazy Canadian eh?

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Specialty Toppings

Thursday, September 18th, 2014 • Filed under Other Weapons

How much do you trust the people making your food? Do you really trust the guy taking smoke breaks every 10 seconds to smoke your barbecue? How about the guy with hair greasier than pizza to make your pizza? The girl incessantly coughing to make your coffee?

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