Dumb Criminals

Haze A Ghost, Funnel A Goblin

Sunday, January 4th, 2015 • Filed under Guns

As I’m nearing the end of my college search, I find myself worrying about aspects that had seemed trivial at the beginning. For example: do I want to go to a school that has the country’s largest Starbucks, or do I want to go to one with multiple Starbucks franchises on campus? Which option adds up to the most frappo per square inch? I’m also concerned about my decision not to rush.


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Breaking Bath(room)

Sunday, December 28th, 2014 • Filed under Drugs

What’s the sketchiest thing you’ve ever done in a public restroom? My friend said that where she grew up, the family restroom in a particular mall was “infested with STD’s”. At my school, the worst bathroom findings are thirty pounds of used chewing tobacco and unoriginal graffiti. Nothing says academia like empty Grizzly cans juxtaposed with scribbles of “your beautiful”.


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Red Nosed and Red Handed

Sunday, December 28th, 2014 • Filed under Theft

How Grinchy were you this Christmas season? If you’re still a student, finals week probably squashed any possible seasonal spirit right into the snowy ground. If you have overly excited children, your patience has been stretched further than the journey of the three wise men. If you have a lot of friends and family, your bank account has melted away like Frosty.


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“There’s Final Hits and Final Hits”

Sunday, December 28th, 2014 • Filed under Drugs

My father told me a story about one of his school projects when he was a kid. For science class, he was assigned to create a poster containing information about drugs. After extensive effort on the part of my grandmother and himself, the finished product featured a bag of oregano, a bag of sugar, and an empty plastic syringe. My father said he did not receive a very good grade due to the lack of actual science, yet that pales in comparison to the reaction a teacher would have today.


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Any More Black Friday Sales on Hats?

Sunday, December 28th, 2014 • Filed under Assaults, Guns

Ladies, there’s nothing more important than hair, right? Not only is the hair on your own head a priority; so is the hair of your significant other or romantic interest. I think all of us females can recall elementary school crushes that fizzled the moment your potential boo walked in the classroom with a new haircut.


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And The ‘Quirky Award’ Goes To…

Saturday, November 29th, 2014 • Filed under Assaults

In my 10th grade language arts class, the girl who sat across from me was my competition for the attention of our classmates. At one point, she was talking about how “weird” she was because she walked through a drive-thru one time. Like holy sh*t, are you in Ripley’s Believe It or Not? Are you in a 1940’s circus freakshow? Like I can’t even believe I’m witnessing such a strange sight sitting right in front of me oh my goodness wow.


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Get Out of Jail Free Card

Saturday, November 29th, 2014 • Filed under Assaults

What are your favorite board games? I grew up on Candyland, but unfortunately became too advanced for that pretty quickly. I still play it with various children every once in a while, mostly because my full-grown father still gets worked up playing a strange game that involves marbles in a colorful, spinning bowl.


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That’s Still A Tortoise

Sunday, November 16th, 2014 • Filed under Assaults

How slow are turtles really? Considering Franklin the Turtle has been an elementary school student throughout my entire childhood, my guess is that turtles are extremely slow. I’ve seen them eat their salad in the zoo, and the only creature that takes longer to eat vegetables is me.


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