Dumb Criminals

Herzog Would Have A Field Day

Friday, August 21st, 2015 • Filed under Other

Calling all hippies. What’s the most mentally unstable activity in which you’d partake for the sake of nature? Would you camp alone for days Paulsen-style? Dogsled through the arctic London-style? Or would you quit eating meat Thoreau-style? No matter which, you’re pretentious.

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Luke Has Nothing On This

Friday, August 21st, 2015 • Filed under Drunks

I always wonder why lesbians are burdened with the stereotype of having daddy issues. Throughout my experience, I have found that the most potent concentration of daddy issues exists within the population of straight boys. Maybe it’s because the responsibility of filling the patriarchal position looms ahead or maybe they just fear their secret weed stash being discovered…either way, straight boys have this psychological phenomenon monopolized.

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Appetite for Destruction

Wednesday, August 5th, 2015 • Filed under Other Weapons

Can you imagine if Bob the Builder had a bloodthirsty vengeance? Perhaps instead of traipsing throughout Spring City performing pro bono construction work on buildings that need repair, he is the instrument of disaster himself?  Scoop the catalyst of ruination and Muck the instigator of demolition? It all makes for a storyline even more terrifying than the haunting animation of the scarecrow.

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A Heated Argument

Sunday, July 26th, 2015 • Filed under Other

Although you may think detailing the weekly atrocities of the dumb criminal world is a career lucrative enough to fund my Starbucks dependence, the sad truth is that I also work a part-time job at a local burger franchise. There is enough grease in the kitchen to make John Travolta experience PTSD flashbacks, and flies taunt the employees by procreating in mid-air. The worst part, however, was that the air conditioner was not working throughout most of the 90 degree Georgia summer.

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Give Me All Your F#(&ing Jelly

Sunday, July 12th, 2015 • Filed under Banks, Robberies

Nothing can beat a good biscuit. I know this because I have actually undergone the turmoil required to bake homemade biscuits. The recipe begins with the responsibility of chopping up an entire stick of butter into minuscule pieces and concludes with cutting evenly sized chunks from a dough ball stickier than an alien symbiote. That being said, when my taste buds were finally acquainted with the recognizable flaky texture, the newly acquired tennis elbow and carpal tunnel syndrome became worth it.

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Something Fishy

Tuesday, July 7th, 2015 • Filed under Smugglers

How do you feel about seafood? From the Filet-o-Fish to lobster tail, there is an ocean creature to please every palate. Even when I was trapped in the flavorless hell that is a vegetarian diet, I allowed myself some sushi here and there. There’s something about consuming sea creatures that seems more benign than land animals. Maybe because the Bible states they were created on different days, or maybe because Nirvana sang “it’s okay to eat fish, ‘cause they don’t have any feelings”. Both are dogmatic.

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Not Quite Piper’s Enterprise

Sunday, June 28th, 2015 • Filed under Shop Lifting

Can you guys get behind buying stuff in bulk? Do the enormous boxes of twelve different varieties of frozen waffles speak to you from inside the foggy freezer door? Does an eight gallon bottle of salsa hanging precariously off the edge of a shelf appeal to you as it might appeal to an exceptionally litigious individual? If so, then this dumb crime is for you.

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Goodbye Hal

Tuesday, June 23rd, 2015 • Filed under Guns

How far will anthropomorphizing go? Pixar has assigned pipe dreams to rats. Swiffer has assigned libidos to dusters. M&M’s has assigned genders to chocolate candy. If you thought Disney movies were only the beginning, you probably experience shock and slight disgust every time you turn on your television.

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