Dumb Criminals

The Cool Dad

Monday, July 14th, 2014 • Filed under Drugs

Having a kid can ruin a lot of things. Your sleep schedule, your financial situation, your sex life, your friendship.  That being said, the good certainly outweighs the bad by 7 pounds 8 ounces or so.

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Two Kinds of Poles

Monday, July 7th, 2014 • Filed under Other

Do you ever wish you could find your own personal Narnia? Maybe instead of a smelly faun-thing, a 6 foot Swedish model is waiting to greet you? Heck, maybe your fantasy IS a smelly faun-thing. No big deal, it’s 2014.

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Got Schooled

Saturday, June 28th, 2014 • Filed under Cars

What are your favorite schoolbus memories? My mom fondly remembers kids attempting to smoke out of the windows and mooning the driver, while my personal treasury features the time the driver berated first grader me for being scared of a spider.

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The Bad Influence of Talking Heads

Saturday, June 21st, 2014 • Filed under Arson

How long have you been waiting for your dream house? Maybe it’s square with a white picket fence. Maybe it’s a medieval castle for the princess that you are. Maybe it’s a cardboard box next to your favorite homeless junkie. Hell, maybe you’re just waiting to get out of prison into somewhere with your own bathroom.

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Graduated with the Bare Minimum

Sunday, June 15th, 2014 • Filed under Other

How was your high school graduation? Judging from the one I’ve attended, the events seem to last longer than high school itself. I’m sure everyone sits there wondering what could be done to rouse a little excitement. Boy, do I have an answer for you.

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Let’s Get the Bleep Outta Here

Wednesday, June 11th, 2014 • Filed under Scams

In conjunction with the last post: what would you do for free food? Some people even go to parties, family reunions, and other social gatherings for that kind of stuff. I shudder at the thought, and would much rather order a year’s worth of pizza delivered to somewhere inside my WiFi router radius.

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Is That Ranch Or…?

Wednesday, June 11th, 2014 • Filed under Other

Most people would do anything to lose weight. Anything that is, besides eat healthily and exercise. Will I take these pills that are essentially Pez? Sure. Will I inhale these sticks of actual cancer in order to suppress my appetite? Of course. Will I let some Asians wrap my entire body in seaweed a few times a week to “shrink”? Most definitely. Will I eat a salad? HA.

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At Least Nash Is Happy

Sunday, May 25th, 2014 • Filed under Cars

What’s the deal with body hair removal? Just something for militant Tumblr feminists to whine over? To be fair, I don’t want my significant other to look simian, whether male or female.

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