Dumb Criminals

Vogue Spring Collection 2016

Sunday, May 22nd, 2016 • Filed under Cars, Drunks

Can you imagine being famous for one stupid thing you did? Worse yet, what if this stupid thing became your moniker? It’d be like living in a middle school sit-com made for middle-schoolers. How would people recognize you if not for your accidental bodily functions or your idiotically phrased comments?


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What’s Your Sign? All of Them

Sunday, May 22nd, 2016 • Filed under Theft

Everybody has that moment when they realize they are unequivocally, irrevocably, irreparably in love. Personally, I knew I was hooked when my boyfriend removed the plaque “in case of fire, take stairs” from above the dorm elevator buttons and placed it tastefully on his bathroom wall. In retrospect, if I really loved him, I wouldn’t have publicized this legally dubious anecdote on a popular crime blog.


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Poltergeist

Sunday, May 22nd, 2016 • Filed under Break-Ins

Nothing’s scarier than hearing noises home alone at night. Every squirrel on the roof is a serial killer, every car on the road is a violent cop coming to arrest you for whatever you got up to on nights like this in high school. And when the ice falls out of the ice maker in the freezer? It’s Nostradamus.


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Theft is for the Birds

Sunday, May 22nd, 2016 • Filed under Caught on tape, Theft

What’s your most daring attempt at stealing? Have you swiped something from a friend’s home, or perhaps had the audacity to shoplift? Do you prefer the sentimentally or monetarily valuable? For instance, comedian John Mulaney insists his fans steal family photos from strangers’ homes, permitting them to procure an eclectic collection.


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Stage Moms

Saturday, April 9th, 2016 • Filed under Assaults

I remember being disappointed by the fact that my parents own very few videos or photographs of my elementary school performances. I was an absolutely stunning sign-holder in our production of School House Rock and I’m sure my xylophone expertise moved audience members to tears during our fifth grade Christmas concert. Unfortunately, all of these experiences are now at the mercy of human memory’s fickle nature.


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Sounds Fishy

Saturday, April 9th, 2016 • Filed under Drunks

Alcohol is an important addition to any fine cuisine. For example, Arby’s is only bearable after thirteen beers and IHOP is ideal the morning after eight shots of vodka. Honestly, where is my contract with The Food Network?


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An Advertisement Campaign Idea

Saturday, April 9th, 2016 • Filed under Other

What would you do for a cup of coffee in the morning? I say all the time I’d murder someone for caffeine when in reality I refuse to even drag myself out of bed to start the Keurig. Either my addiction isn’t as dangerously pronounced as I once thought, or the death of an innocent is preferable to exiting my covers.


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Rock Bottom

Saturday, April 9th, 2016 • Filed under Assaults

How far would you go to speak to an attractive member of the opposite sex? No longer do people write their phone numbers down on napkins or follow them off the bus or…hell, even really interact with each other at all. Most initial communication is now done over social media, as it saves face. However, this man displays enormous courage even in the face of rejection.


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