Dumb Criminals

Only Lawyer Worse Than Zuckercorn

Sunday, March 29th, 2015 • Filed under Drugs

What happens when your lawyer himself doesn’t obey the law? You’re screwed. That’s as ridiculous as a butcher going vegetarian or an author who doesn’t read. Worse yet, a teacher who doesn’t know how to teach…because, golly gee, none of us have ever experienced that before, right?

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Say Hello…

Sunday, March 15th, 2015 • Filed under Other Weapons

They say at any given time, all objects around you can be used as a weapon. While this appeals to the yet-to-be released mega-fighter badass side of me, I’d like to see someone defend herself against a home intruder with a miniature stapler. Maybe see someone take down an IHOP robber with some sugar-free butter pecan syrup. Actually…that crap would probably knock anybody out.

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You Talkin’ To Me?

Sunday, March 15th, 2015 • Filed under Guns

Exactly what drives people over the edge? Everyone has a breaking point I suppose. All you have to do is watch the Cell Block Tango from Chicago to figure out what causes women to lose their sanity. You may also figure out what the term “murder boner” means in the process.

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Not a Time Machine Either

Sunday, March 1st, 2015 • Filed under Break-Ins

Every once in a while, I think back to this ad I saw in middle school health class. I can’t quite remember the context, but I do know it was an illustration of a group of people relaxing in a hot tub. However, the hot tub was a cauldron in some exotic forest and the people were blissfully unaware of their grisly fate. I remember thinking “what a way to go”. Because I can’t remember any reason behind being shown this ad, it’s possible I had actually ignored every other part of health class and was hallucinating off of something.

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Bruce Would Be Disappointed

Tuesday, February 24th, 2015 • Filed under Burglaries

My favorite action flick is Die Hard. My favorite Christmas movie is Die Hard. My favorite food is Die Hard. My favorite color is Die Hard. The movie is no doubt important, but was it important enough to spark a crime?

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Maybe He Was Just in Freshmen English 101

Monday, February 16th, 2015 • Filed under Cars

What’s the worst place you’ve ever fallen asleep? A while ago, I had a nightmare I fell asleep while driving. Once I wrecked my car, I was so relieved that I could sleep because I didn’t have to drive anymore. As a little girl (in real life!), I performed in musicals at my church, and my father used to see me nodding off…while standing up, singing songs…in front of people.  Can you top that?

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Tailgate Scandal

Saturday, February 7th, 2015 • Filed under Murderers

How extravagant was your Superbowl party? Did you indulge in brand-name sweet tea instead of the Publix kind? Did you grill the type of hamburgers that have the cheese inside? No matter what, I’m sure your party was as rocking as Katy’s left shark.

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Is This Weed Still Kosher?

Saturday, February 7th, 2015 • Filed under Drugs

Throughout time, pigs have been an important motif in several works. Everything from the classic novel Lord of the Flies to the British anthology series Black Mirror has employed a pig in some way or another. So what’s the pig deal? Turns out the Sus scrofa domesticus is more sus than you may think.

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