Dumb Criminals

You’re Bleeding Because You Don’t Floss

Saturday, April 25th, 2015 • Filed under Assaults

Last night, I was lucky enough to attend a performance of Little Shop of Horrors at my rival high school. I had seen it four years ago, and my freshman eyes and ears did not pick up on the sexism, racism, and homoerotic undertones. This time, however, I was fully aware of the sexual deviancy and addiction of the dentist, due to the fact that the actor had seemingly seen Blue Velvet one too many times.

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One Last Farewell Lapdance

Saturday, April 25th, 2015 • Filed under Other

How cool would it be to plan your own funeral? You’d probably want people to remember you in a happy way rather than mourn your loss. Mine would probably feature a free Radiohead show and unlimited eggplant parmesan. I’d make sure my guests knew I was exiting this world as I entered it – pretentious and hungry.

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They’re Frowny Faces This Time

Saturday, April 25th, 2015 • Filed under Break-Ins, Burglaries, Robberies

As much as we sophisticated humans would like to pretend otherwise, food is just as much a motivator for us as it is for animals in training. When food is involved, we’ll do it. Invite us to your wedding, your graduation, your nephew’s baptism, your third cousin’s baby shower, your family friend’s uncle’s retirement party. If there’s free food involved, we’ll do what we’re trained to do best – feign interest in small talk with strangers.

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First Rule of Daycare

Tuesday, April 7th, 2015 • Filed under Assaults

I have a feeling I’ve posted about Fight Club before. There’s just something mesmerizing about men engaging in physical violence in a green filtered lens, all for the purpose of conveying a Very Deep Message. What exactly is the message? Quit your job for the health of your soul? Quit your job because we all die in the end anyway? Sleep with a woman who glorifies several mental disorders if you weren’t dying fast enough after quitting your job? Personally, the only message I gleaned was that I should transition from bar soap to shower gel.

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Still Better Than Apple Maps

Friday, April 3rd, 2015 • Filed under Other Weapons, Technology

What’s the wildest thing you’ve ever wanted to do? We all have a bucket list of epic proportions, yet most of us at least attempt to keep our goals within legal parameters. For example, my proudest accomplishment is consuming an entire airline sandwich, much to the repulsion of my family and every passenger in near vicinity. Was it pale ham or pink turkey? Chunky mayo or just watery cheese? Nobody will ever know.

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Only Lawyer Worse Than Zuckercorn

Sunday, March 29th, 2015 • Filed under Drugs

What happens when your lawyer himself doesn’t obey the law? You’re screwed. That’s as ridiculous as a butcher going vegetarian or an author who doesn’t read. Worse yet, a teacher who doesn’t know how to teach…because, golly gee, none of us have ever experienced that before, right?

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Say Hello…

Sunday, March 15th, 2015 • Filed under Other Weapons

They say at any given time, all objects around you can be used as a weapon. While this appeals to the yet-to-be released mega-fighter badass side of me, I’d like to see someone defend herself against a home intruder with a miniature stapler. Maybe see someone take down an IHOP robber with some sugar-free butter pecan syrup. Actually…that crap would probably knock anybody out.

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You Talkin’ To Me?

Sunday, March 15th, 2015 • Filed under Guns

Exactly what drives people over the edge? Everyone has a breaking point I suppose. All you have to do is watch the Cell Block Tango from Chicago to figure out what causes women to lose their sanity. You may also figure out what the term “murder boner” means in the process.

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