Dumb Criminals

Specialty Toppings

Thursday, September 18th, 2014 • Filed under Other Weapons

How much do you trust the people making your food? Do you really trust the guy taking smoke breaks every 10 seconds to smoke your barbecue? How about the guy with hair greasier than pizza to make your pizza? The girl incessantly coughing to make your coffee?

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The Lion, The Witch, and Dat Dank Kush

Thursday, September 11th, 2014 • Filed under Drugs

Everybody knows that DARE week at school is just an excuse for druggie hipsters to be even more ironic. If I recall correctly, the same kid who hugged me while supposedly high on meth was sporting a red rubber band bracelet a week later. Really, all I gathered from this occurrence was that someone had to be REALLY f***ed up before he found me huggable. :(

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No Corny Jokes Here

Thursday, September 11th, 2014 • Filed under Break-Ins

Fair food. The owners of probably the most unfair smells ever to reach my nostrils. Walking around with your family? Here, each of you can gnaw on a sausage on a stick. On a first date with a cute girl person thing? Here, eviscerate a giant turkey leg in front of her. Nothing turns on a woman more than loose bird flesh dangling from your kissing machine.

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Not So Happy Feet

Sunday, August 24th, 2014 • Filed under Shop Lifting

Remember a few years ago when every Hollywood studio spontaneously lost its mind over penguins? Cinema screens across the world were graced with surfing penguins, dancing penguins…and then actual penguins freezing to death in the cold (thanks a bunch, Warner Independent). Penguins are nothing new. They’ve been walking around–technically upside down–on the earth’s belly since, you know, the dawn of time.

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Breakfast At…Prison

Friday, August 22nd, 2014 • Filed under Break-Ins, Burglaries

How many culinary stereotypes do you believe in? It’s true, Southerners drink sweet tea like Greek gods drink nectar. Italian weddings do consist of 40 million pasta dishes, and policeman do knock back circular breakfast foods like nobody’s business.

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Hands Up, Order Up

Saturday, August 9th, 2014 • Filed under Robberies

You have what you consider your restaurant, right? You know, the one where the manager knows your name and the employees know your order. My boyfriend took me to his beloved bagel shop last month, and I remember a worker thrust a blueberry bagel into my hand (no napkins, no bag, nothing at all) and the manager walked around the dining area yelling Taxi Driver quotes.

Imagine if you loved a dining establishment so much that nothing could stop you from being a patron there. This is the case of a nearly 30 year old man in California who robbed an El Pollo Loco. A few hours after the committing the crime, he came back and attempted to order dinner. According to HP, the employees recognized him from the security footage of the robbery, as he hadn’t changed his outfit at all. Sounds like this is one crazy chicken.

Keep It Kinky

Sunday, August 3rd, 2014 • Filed under Other

It’s crazy the things that can happen between two loving partners behind closed doors. Forget the old knockin’ boots by the fireplace; put on a cop uniform and handcuff your boo thang. Around the ankles. Then tell me if getting pulled over and ticketed for speeding in broad daylight leaves you feeling some type of way.

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But First, Let Me Commit a Crime

Wednesday, July 23rd, 2014 • Filed under Shop Lifting

My best friend works in retail, therefore possessing no shortage of patronage horror stories. At one point, two college students tried to get freaky in the dressing room. Nearly once a week, cops have to be called in to arrest a privileged white girl who can totally afford a $20 flower crown yet chooses not to.

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