Dumb Criminals

Stage Moms

Saturday, April 9th, 2016 • Filed under Assaults

I remember being disappointed by the fact that my parents own very few videos or photographs of my elementary school performances. I was an absolutely stunning sign-holder in our production of School House Rock and I’m sure my xylophone expertise moved audience members to tears during our fifth grade Christmas concert. Unfortunately, all of these experiences are now at the mercy of human memory’s fickle nature.


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Sounds Fishy

Saturday, April 9th, 2016 • Filed under Drunks

Alcohol is an important addition to any fine cuisine. For example, Arby’s is only bearable after thirteen beers and IHOP is ideal the morning after eight shots of vodka. Honestly, where is my contract with The Food Network?


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An Advertisement Campaign Idea

Saturday, April 9th, 2016 • Filed under Other

What would you do for a cup of coffee in the morning? I say all the time I’d murder someone for caffeine when in reality I refuse to even drag myself out of bed to start the Keurig. Either my addiction isn’t as dangerously pronounced as I once thought, or the death of an innocent is preferable to exiting my covers.


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Rock Bottom

Saturday, April 9th, 2016 • Filed under Assaults

How far would you go to speak to an attractive member of the opposite sex? No longer do people write their phone numbers down on napkins or follow them off the bus or…hell, even really interact with each other at all. Most initial communication is now done over social media, as it saves face. However, this man displays enormous courage even in the face of rejection.


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What Happens in Public Stays in Public

Sunday, March 6th, 2016 • Filed under Other

Personally I always found Ferris wheels to be a bit overrated. Perhaps if they moved quicker or actually turned the passenger upside down at the bottom or even lacked any sort of safety device, I’d be more inclined to spend money calmly rotating on a large circle. As it stands, Ferris wheels are nothing but circular ski lifts leading nowhere, similar to my entire life.


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Supposedly Like a Carrot Stick

Saturday, March 5th, 2016 • Filed under Assaults, Shop Lifting

Upon rewatching the Lord of the Rings trilogy nearly ten years after my first exposure, I was most struck by the silliness of the films. How had I been so emotionally invested in hairy-footed tiny people wielding glowing swords against the likes of mass-produced monsters and flaming eyeballs? At least I could still relate to the musical praise placed on “taters”.


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See Ya Later Alligator

Saturday, March 5th, 2016 • Filed under Other Weapons

Wildlife can be a real issue in rural areas of the country. People find snakes in toilets, scorpions on beds, children in public places. Luckily, animal control and extermination services across the nation have cracked down on the issue, as portrayed in classic cinema masterpieces such as Over the Hedge, Hoot, and Madagascar.


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Scattered, Smothered, Arrested

Thursday, February 25th, 2016 • Filed under Drugs

Posing a question to my fellow college town inhabitants and all others with fond memories…when was the last time you were completely sober in a Waffle House? Worse yet, when was the last time you were throwing up while completely sober? I’ll give you a hint, it was whenever you were sober in a Waffle House.


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