Dumb Criminals

Keep It Kinky

Sunday, August 3rd, 2014 • Filed under Other

It’s crazy the things that can happen between two loving partners behind closed doors. Forget the old knockin’ boots by the fireplace; put on a cop uniform and handcuff your boo thang. Around the ankles. Then tell me if getting pulled over and ticketed for speeding in broad daylight leaves you feeling some type of way.

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But First, Let Me Commit a Crime

Wednesday, July 23rd, 2014 • Filed under Shop Lifting

My best friend works in retail, therefore possessing no shortage of patronage horror stories. At one point, two college students tried to get freaky in the dressing room. Nearly once a week, cops have to be called in to arrest a privileged white girl who can totally afford a $20 flower crown yet chooses not to.

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The Cool Dad

Monday, July 14th, 2014 • Filed under Drugs

Having a kid can ruin a lot of things. Your sleep schedule, your financial situation, your sex life, your friendship.  That being said, the good certainly outweighs the bad by 7 pounds 8 ounces or so.

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Two Kinds of Poles

Monday, July 7th, 2014 • Filed under Other

Do you ever wish you could find your own personal Narnia? Maybe instead of a smelly faun-thing, a 6 foot Swedish model is waiting to greet you? Heck, maybe your fantasy IS a smelly faun-thing. No big deal, it’s 2014.

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Got Schooled

Saturday, June 28th, 2014 • Filed under Cars

What are your favorite schoolbus memories? My mom fondly remembers kids attempting to smoke out of the windows and mooning the driver, while my personal treasury features the time the driver berated first grader me for being scared of a spider.

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The Bad Influence of Talking Heads

Saturday, June 21st, 2014 • Filed under Arson

How long have you been waiting for your dream house? Maybe it’s square with a white picket fence. Maybe it’s a medieval castle for the princess that you are. Maybe it’s a cardboard box next to your favorite homeless junkie. Hell, maybe you’re just waiting to get out of prison into somewhere with your own bathroom.

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Graduated with the Bare Minimum

Sunday, June 15th, 2014 • Filed under Other

How was your high school graduation? Judging from the one I’ve attended, the events seem to last longer than high school itself. I’m sure everyone sits there wondering what could be done to rouse a little excitement. Boy, do I have an answer for you.

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Let’s Get the Bleep Outta Here

Wednesday, June 11th, 2014 • Filed under Scams

In conjunction with the last post: what would you do for free food? Some people even go to parties, family reunions, and other social gatherings for that kind of stuff. I shudder at the thought, and would much rather order a year’s worth of pizza delivered to somewhere inside my WiFi router radius.

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