Dumb Criminals

A Modest Proposal

Sunday, November 22nd, 2015 • Filed under Other

What was your favorite fairy tale as a child? I always preferred Hansel and Gretel. Not for the quaint representation of German country life, for the memorable values instilled by the story arch, the chilling idea that evil exists most fervently under a harmless guise, or for the admirably perspicacious nature of the children…no, a house made of food seemed damn cool.

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A Crime Worse Than Anchovies

Tuesday, November 3rd, 2015 • Filed under Break-Ins, Robberies

What would you do for a good pizza? Due to the misfortune of living off dining hall garbage and Domino’s toxic waste for several months, I’d kill someone for legitimate saucy, cheesy, New York style heroin. If you don’t know what it’s like to risk a prison sentence for pizza, you’ve probably only had Papa John’s.

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Certifiably Insane Good

Friday, October 16th, 2015 • Filed under Other

Have your parents ever gone on health binges or tried fad diets? Unfortunately, when you’re young and unable to cook, you have little choice but to follow suit. My aunt knows a family with four small children attempting to eat entirely vegan in the middle of Tennessee, which resulted in my cousins secretly giving away their pizza as an indisputably sacrificial act of charity.

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Not Quite Manna

Friday, October 16th, 2015 • Filed under Drugs

While the addictive properties of marijuana are not quite proven to exist, I have observed that the people who need weed…need…weed. That’s why a high school friend of mine constructed a bong from a flashlight with the use of duct tape (at that point, it probably wasn’t the toxins from the drug affecting his brain) and why another friend smoked out of apples until his mother remarked on how healthily he was eating.

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Serving His Time…Of the Month

Friday, October 16th, 2015 • Filed under Robberies

It’s halfway into Halloween month, meaning people lacking astute foresight are scrambling to contrive a fake identity when all the good ones have already been taken. After nearly a day of brainstorming, my friend was finally inspired to dress as Wine Wednesday: Wednesday Addams holding a wine bottle.

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In the Doghouse

Friday, October 16th, 2015 • Filed under Cars, Drugs, Drunks

Why do we love when pets act like people? Is our species-wide sense of narcissism quite that powerful, or do we prefer the simple responsibility of animals over the all-encompassing responsibility of smaller people? Either way, cats who sit upright and dogs who shake hands consistently captivates the heart of America.

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Thursday, September 17th, 2015 • Filed under Drugs, Theft

Remember the age old saying “If he picks on you, it means he likes you.”? Clearly when a boy calls you fat, it’s because he’s imagining you carrying his firstborn with all the grace of a life-bringing earth goddess. When a boy steals your phone, he’s subliminally reassuring you that you’ll never have to worry about financing your own purchases again.  So ladies, next time Trey or Chad or Tyler or Trent pulls this crap, you’ll know you’ve found the one.

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BLOW Out the Candles

Friday, September 11th, 2015 • Filed under Drugs

Nothing causes me to fear for society’s future quite like reality shows centered on birthday parties. Have we, as a nation, regressed in intellect so far as to find ourselves entranced by enormous dresses, spoiled children, and strobe lights beckoning us from a television screen? Are we worshipping the mundane, idolizing the bourgeoisie, and perpetuating the stagnancy? Absolutely. Somebody better let Banksy know.

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