Dumb Criminals

Story of a Lonely Guy

Tuesday, June 9th, 2015 • Filed under Drunks

Recall the time you felt most desperate. I don’t mean adrenaline-inducing, life-or-death, protection of your family type desperate. I mean desperate to get your rocks off. Perhaps it was February 13th or the night before prom and your high school reputation is hanging in the balance when it seems as though all available women have taken a cruise ship to the moon.


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Snack Attack

Tuesday, June 9th, 2015 • Filed under Break-Ins, Drunks

Imagine moving in with the significant other you had as a nineteen year old. No matter your current circumstances, you’d have to leave your home immediately and begin a new life with this person from your past. Here’s the catch: he/she is still nineteen whereas you remain the age you currently are. How do you cope?


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Enjoy the ‘Hoo’segow

Tuesday, May 26th, 2015 • Filed under Uncategorized

When you were younger, did you believe your stuffed animals were alive? Now, of course, this idea is creepy to us. However, when I was smaller (and apparently braver), my stuffed animals each had distinct personalities that somehow vanished when I was around. Some even got married to each other.


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A Farewell to Arms…and Legs and Butts and Everything in Plain Sight

Thursday, May 14th, 2015 • Filed under Uncategorized

Do you think literature can be sexy? There is, of course, the novel of our times: 50 Shades of Grey. However, that is neither sexy nor literature. That being said, I can hardly admit to feeling a stirring throughout The Old Man and the Sea or A Christmas Carol. So I guess bookworms just take what they can get.


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“I Have Been Touched by Your Kids…and I’m Pretty Sure I’ve Touched Them.”

Thursday, May 14th, 2015 • Filed under Uncategorized

As unbelievable as it may seem, teachers are actually responsible for instilling morals in students. Although at certain points these morals may seem to be ones such as “Complain about your salary as much as possible” or “Whisper behind folders to your colleagues whenever necessary”, they are actually fostering the development of great minds as you sit reading this.


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The Stupidity Has Elevated

Thursday, May 14th, 2015 • Filed under Robberies

If you have a fear of small spaces and a fear of being robbed, I encourage you to stop reading immediately. This dumb crime entails both of these common phobias. The only way to incorporate more phobias would involve the culprit stealing spiders from a purse (arachnophobia) filled with small holes (trypophobia) while outside the house (agoraphobia) while a duck watches (anatidaephobia).


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You’re Bleeding Because You Don’t Floss

Saturday, April 25th, 2015 • Filed under Assaults

Last night, I was lucky enough to attend a performance of Little Shop of Horrors at my rival high school. I had seen it four years ago, and my freshman eyes and ears did not pick up on the sexism, racism, and homoerotic undertones. This time, however, I was fully aware of the sexual deviancy and addiction of the dentist, due to the fact that the actor had seemingly seen Blue Velvet one too many times.


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One Last Farewell Lapdance

Saturday, April 25th, 2015 • Filed under Other

How cool would it be to plan your own funeral? You’d probably want people to remember you in a happy way rather than mourn your loss. Mine would probably feature a free Radiohead show and unlimited eggplant parmesan. I’d make sure my guests knew I was exiting this world as I entered it – pretentious and hungry.


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