Dumb Criminals

A Farewell to Arms…and Legs and Butts and Everything in Plain Sight

Thursday, May 14th, 2015 • Filed under Uncategorized

Do you think literature can be sexy? There is, of course, the novel of our times: 50 Shades of Grey. However, that is neither sexy nor literature. That being said, I can hardly admit to feeling a stirring throughout The Old Man and the Sea or A Christmas Carol. So I guess bookworms just take what they can get.


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“I Have Been Touched by Your Kids…and I’m Pretty Sure I’ve Touched Them.”

Thursday, May 14th, 2015 • Filed under Uncategorized

As unbelievable as it may seem, teachers are actually responsible for instilling morals in students. Although at certain points these morals may seem to be ones such as “Complain about your salary as much as possible” or “Whisper behind folders to your colleagues whenever necessary”, they are actually fostering the development of great minds as you sit reading this.


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The Stupidity Has Elevated

Thursday, May 14th, 2015 • Filed under Robberies

If you have a fear of small spaces and a fear of being robbed, I encourage you to stop reading immediately. This dumb crime entails both of these common phobias. The only way to incorporate more phobias would involve the culprit stealing spiders from a purse (arachnophobia) filled with small holes (trypophobia) while outside the house (agoraphobia) while a duck watches (anatidaephobia).


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You’re Bleeding Because You Don’t Floss

Saturday, April 25th, 2015 • Filed under Assaults

Last night, I was lucky enough to attend a performance of Little Shop of Horrors at my rival high school. I had seen it four years ago, and my freshman eyes and ears did not pick up on the sexism, racism, and homoerotic undertones. This time, however, I was fully aware of the sexual deviancy and addiction of the dentist, due to the fact that the actor had seemingly seen Blue Velvet one too many times.


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One Last Farewell Lapdance

Saturday, April 25th, 2015 • Filed under Other

How cool would it be to plan your own funeral? You’d probably want people to remember you in a happy way rather than mourn your loss. Mine would probably feature a free Radiohead show and unlimited eggplant parmesan. I’d make sure my guests knew I was exiting this world as I entered it – pretentious and hungry.


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They’re Frowny Faces This Time

Saturday, April 25th, 2015 • Filed under Break-Ins, Burglaries, Robberies

As much as we sophisticated humans would like to pretend otherwise, food is just as much a motivator for us as it is for animals in training. When food is involved, we’ll do it. Invite us to your wedding, your graduation, your nephew’s baptism, your third cousin’s baby shower, your family friend’s uncle’s retirement party. If there’s free food involved, we’ll do what we’re trained to do best – feign interest in small talk with strangers.


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First Rule of Daycare

Tuesday, April 7th, 2015 • Filed under Assaults

I have a feeling I’ve posted about Fight Club before. There’s just something mesmerizing about men engaging in physical violence in a green filtered lens, all for the purpose of conveying a Very Deep Message. What exactly is the message? Quit your job for the health of your soul? Quit your job because we all die in the end anyway? Sleep with a woman who glorifies several mental disorders if you weren’t dying fast enough after quitting your job? Personally, the only message I gleaned was that I should transition from bar soap to shower gel.


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Still Better Than Apple Maps

Friday, April 3rd, 2015 • Filed under Other Weapons, Technology

What’s the wildest thing you’ve ever wanted to do? We all have a bucket list of epic proportions, yet most of us at least attempt to keep our goals within legal parameters. For example, my proudest accomplishment is consuming an entire airline sandwich, much to the repulsion of my family and every passenger in near vicinity. Was it pale ham or pink turkey? Chunky mayo or just watery cheese? Nobody will ever know.


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