Dumb Criminals

The Bad Influence of Talking Heads

Saturday, June 21st, 2014 • Filed under Arson

How long have you been waiting for your dream house? Maybe it’s square with a white picket fence. Maybe it’s a medieval castle for the princess that you are. Maybe it’s a cardboard box next to your favorite homeless junkie. Hell, maybe you’re just waiting to get out of prison into somewhere with your own bathroom.

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Dough-not Do This

Sunday, March 9th, 2014 • Filed under Arson

Mmm, you know what goes well with your daily deep-fried morning sugar bomb? Lung-destroying tubes of tar. And better yet? Straight-up arson. Just blaze.

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Neato Mosquito

Tuesday, December 24th, 2013 • Filed under Arson

You know one good thing about this freezing winter weather?  EVERYTHING IS DEAD. No bugs, no falling leaves, no small children. ‘Tis the season to stay the hell inside.

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Demon Hunting 101

Sunday, August 11th, 2013 • Filed under Arson

We’ve all seen those movies about crazy people who believe demons live in their house, right? Terrifying stuff, but the demons are probably more scared of you than you are of them. Just…grab a big shoe. And kill all the flies so they have nothing to eat. Oh. Maybe I’m thinking of something else, something scarier.

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Now We’re Even!

Tuesday, August 21st, 2012 • Filed under Arson

Unlike the movies portray, there are only two groups at my high school: the Preppy and the Angry. Then, of course, the sub-species of High. From here we can then classify each individual organism, such as Angrius or the rare Preppitus Highis. Please observe in your field guide.

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Girl Power: You’re Doing It Wrong

Sunday, April 29th, 2012 • Filed under Arson, Assaults

Sadly, marriage isn’t forever anymore. Divorce isn’t forever either (Though I’m not suggesting Kim Kardashian was really that guy’s soulmate. Or anyone’s.). So what’s the solution?

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It’s Seared, Not Burnt

Saturday, October 15th, 2011 • Filed under Arson, Fraud, Scams

Everyone should learn to cook, right? You don’t want to be that family who alternates between PB&J sandwiches and chicken Mcnuggets as their constant nutritional income. Or worse, the family who throws parties and no one shows up, for fear of being either poisoned or disgusted into the next dimension.

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Burning Passion

Friday, September 30th, 2011 • Filed under Arson

Relationships can be really difficult, can’t they? No matter if you’re arguing over what to name your first child or whether to order pizza or Chinese food, no two people are ever going to be in total agreement 24/7. Especially over something as dire as which horribly unhealthy food to eat for dinner.

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