Dumb Criminals

Pizza Rolls AND Gender Roles

Saturday, August 6th, 2016 • Filed under Assaults, Other Weapons

What is your favorite garbage snack enjoyed when being a garbage person? Maybe you’ve been out all night and need to Uber to the nearest Waffle House. Maybe you’ve been on a Netflix binge and call up Domino’s at 2 am. Maybe you even still think about those brownies you ate at a stranger’s apartment…

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Stage Moms

Saturday, April 9th, 2016 • Filed under Assaults

I remember being disappointed by the fact that my parents own very few videos or photographs of my elementary school performances. I was an absolutely stunning sign-holder in our production of School House Rock and I’m sure my xylophone expertise moved audience members to tears during our fifth grade Christmas concert. Unfortunately, all of these experiences are now at the mercy of human memory’s fickle nature.

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Rock Bottom

Saturday, April 9th, 2016 • Filed under Assaults

How far would you go to speak to an attractive member of the opposite sex? No longer do people write their phone numbers down on napkins or follow them off the bus or…hell, even really interact with each other at all. Most initial communication is now done over social media, as it saves face. However, this man displays enormous courage even in the face of rejection.

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Supposedly Like a Carrot Stick

Saturday, March 5th, 2016 • Filed under Assaults, Shop Lifting

Upon rewatching the Lord of the Rings trilogy nearly ten years after my first exposure, I was most struck by the silliness of the films. How had I been so emotionally invested in hairy-footed tiny people wielding glowing swords against the likes of mass-produced monsters and flaming eyeballs? At least I could still relate to the musical praise placed on “taters”.

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Young Man, I Will Turn This Car Around!

Thursday, January 28th, 2016 • Filed under Assaults, Cars, Guns

Let us take this moment to appreciate all the DD’s of the world. Not Dunkin Donuts, not ample breasts, but designated drivers. Luckily because my driving skills are perilous at best while sober, I have never had the experience of a car filled with people screaming, vomiting, and possibly f***ing. At least Uber drivers are paid.

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You’re Bleeding Because You Don’t Floss

Saturday, April 25th, 2015 • Filed under Assaults

Last night, I was lucky enough to attend a performance of Little Shop of Horrors at my rival high school. I had seen it four years ago, and my freshman eyes and ears did not pick up on the sexism, racism, and homoerotic undertones. This time, however, I was fully aware of the sexual deviancy and addiction of the dentist, due to the fact that the actor had seemingly seen Blue Velvet one too many times.

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First Rule of Daycare

Tuesday, April 7th, 2015 • Filed under Assaults

I have a feeling I’ve posted about Fight Club before. There’s just something mesmerizing about men engaging in physical violence in a green filtered lens, all for the purpose of conveying a Very Deep Message. What exactly is the message? Quit your job for the health of your soul? Quit your job because we all die in the end anyway? Sleep with a woman who glorifies several mental disorders if you weren’t dying fast enough after quitting your job? Personally, the only message I gleaned was that I should transition from bar soap to shower gel.

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Any More Black Friday Sales on Hats?

Sunday, December 28th, 2014 • Filed under Assaults, Guns

Ladies, there’s nothing more important than hair, right? Not only is the hair on your own head a priority; so is the hair of your significant other or romantic interest. I think all of us females can recall elementary school crushes that fizzled the moment your potential boo walked in the classroom with a new haircut.

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