Should’ve Put A Ring On It
Tuesday, September 6th, 2011 • Filed under Assaults, Drunks • 1 Comment
Somewhere, there’s probably an officially archived list of things NOT to do on your wedding day. And although it seems like a given, “getting arrested” would probably be in the top three.
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Where’s The Beef?
Tuesday, August 9th, 2011 • Filed under Assaults • 1 Comment
While journeying through your teenage years, I have no doubt you found your parents to be incredibly over-protective. “No, Mom, I am not going to contract a deadly disease from eating this miniscule amount of raw cookie dough.” “No, Dad, I am not planning to elope and have twelve children with the boy I’m just talking to on the phone.”
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One-piece, Bikini, or Full-Body Armor?
Saturday, August 6th, 2011 • Filed under Assaults • 2 Comments
With the end of summer approaching, people get a little wild. Maybe eating fourteen popsicles instead of the usual twelve, or staying up so late you pass out face-on-laptop and end up writing a whole story entitled “Esai>ofhslgq2iouy!b”. While we all know there’s nothing more important than making the last few days as “Reckless Abandon” as possible, it wouldn’t hurt to maintain an iota or two of common sense.
But these adults (physically, at least) in North Carolina make everything look sensible. A mother had taken her 4 year-old daughter with her to visit some friends….friends who then thought it would be a great idea to literally throw the child from the roof of the house into their backyard pool. Unfortunately (but not surprisingly), they missed their aim and the poor girl ended up being taken to two hospitals for severe internal injuries. According to True Crime Report, the friends were charged for assault while the mother was charged for child abuse. Suddenly, starting school again doesn’t seem so life-threatening.
Food, Glorious Food
Tuesday, July 5th, 2011 • Filed under Assaults, Other Weapons • 2 Comments
Some people take nutrition a little TOO seriously. I mean, I’m cool with the whole eight (Six? Twelve? That pyramid isn’t much help.) servings of whole grain thing…but once Tofurkey makes an appearance, I’m out.
Not only is this woman completely overreacting, she’s also a complete idiot when it comes to health. (Typical American chick.) As she was serving breakfast for her family, her 9 year old grandson gobbled down a few too many strips of bacon. She then proceeded to nag him about it ALL day. But it got a whole lot worse at night, when she chased the poor kid around the backyard and sprayed him right in the face with a garden hose. According to True Crime Report, he escaped for a minute to call his mom…but Crazy Grandma descended upon him once again. The fight eventually attracted an audience, and, finally, the police. So for all you health freaks out there, I’m gonna go out on a limb here and say pork isn’t exactly brain food.
Fashionable AND Practical
Tuesday, June 28th, 2011 • Filed under Assaults, Other Weapons, Self Defense • Comment
It’s really no fun being a scapegoat. Actually, I doubt it’s fun being any type of goat at all. But at least the animal sort can bite-attack anyone who’s being irksome. Unfortunately, taking that course of action might be frowned upon in the human world…
However, the other things that occur in this so-called “human world” aren’t much less ridiculous. Two brothers were entering a McDonald’s Drive-Thru around 3:00 am when they spotted a woman and her three friends being assaulted. Playing heroes, the two of them rushed to help the women a few yards away. Once they had chased off the attackers and made sure no one had been seriously hurt, the two brothers walked back to their car. A few minutes later, one of the assault victims advanced upon them with yelling, punches, spitting….and her high-heeled shoe. According to True Crime Report, the woman had simply mistaken them for her attackers. Sadly, this resulted in 18 months in prison for her, and a permanent eye-patch for one of the men.
Gosh, Was It Not OBVIOUS?!
Friday, June 10th, 2011 • Filed under Assaults, Other Weapons • Comment
Did you know that, technically, anything around you can be used as a weapon? It’s called “taking advantage of your terrain”. Now, I’m not saying to go strangle your step-brother to death with the computer mouse cord…I’m just saying it’s a complete possibility. And, who knows, you might even get featured on this website for it!
However, this whacko probably wins the contest of Strangest Weapon (Kinda) Ever. According to USA Today, a man violently barged into someone’s house carrying a…dead weasel. Upon being questioned by the victim as to exactly WHY he happened to have a dead weasel in his possession, the man punched the poor guy in the face. But only after angrily informing him that “It’s not a weasel, it’s a marten!” The only explanation that came up was that the man was looking for his girlfriend, and the victim was an ex of hers. He was arrested at a different location after a fight…but unfortunately left his fur-coat-in-progress at the other guy’s house.
Pissed-at-Men Syndrome
Tuesday, May 31st, 2011 • Filed under Assaults, Other Weapons • Comment
It’s funny, the thing teenagers get worked up over. So, you’ve managed to develop a miniscule blemish on your face the morning of school picture day? And the new shirt you bought especially for the occasion is currently in the wash? Yes, that is a completely acceptable reason to cry your mascara-ed up eyeballs out and threaten never to set foot outside your room again.
Well, one 15 year old in Washington has taken teen angst to the extreme. After her father took her phone away, she decided to demonstrate her disagreement by shooting him with a hunting bow. According to MSNBC, he then had to crawl all the way to a neighbor’s house (in critical condition) to call 911, because she wouldn’t even let him use the phone. Our little rebel then fled into the woods where she was eventually surrounded by the police and arrested. So, next time you start to think maybe you’re being a brat to your parents, and they deserve to be treated a little nicer because of all they’ve done for you….remember, compared to that, you’re an angel.
Please, Silence Your Handguns
Monday, April 11th, 2011 • Filed under Assaults, Guns • 5 Comments
Movie theaters aren’t always the most pleasant places on Earth. But if you can bear parting with ten of your hard-earned dollars for ONE ticket, and then five times that amount for a calorie-laden, sugar-spiked candy bar, then the frustration of the seating arrangements shouldn’t be too much of a disappointment. Would you prefer to sit next to the deafening popcorn-consuming machine, or the two world champions of tonsil hockey?