Dumb Criminals

And The ‘Quirky Award’ Goes To…

Saturday, November 29th, 2014 • Filed under Assaults

In my 10th grade language arts class, the girl who sat across from me was my competition for the attention of our classmates. At one point, she was talking about how “weird” she was because she walked through a drive-thru one time. Like holy sh*t, are you in Ripley’s Believe It or Not? Are you in a 1940’s circus freakshow? Like I can’t even believe I’m witnessing such a strange sight sitting right in front of me oh my goodness wow.


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Get Out of Jail Free Card

Saturday, November 29th, 2014 • Filed under Assaults

What are your favorite board games? I grew up on Candyland, but unfortunately became too advanced for that pretty quickly. I still play it with various children every once in a while, mostly because my full-grown father still gets worked up playing a strange game that involves marbles in a colorful, spinning bowl.


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That’s Still A Tortoise

Sunday, November 16th, 2014 • Filed under Assaults

How slow are turtles really? Considering Franklin the Turtle has been an elementary school student throughout my entire childhood, my guess is that turtles are extremely slow. I’ve seen them eat their salad in the zoo, and the only creature that takes longer to eat vegetables is me.


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Doggone It

Wednesday, May 7th, 2014 • Filed under Assaults

What are the world’s biggest mysteries? Stonehenge, probably. Amelia Earhart? Yup. Why M. Night Shyamalan keeps making films? It’s all a conspiracy man, but possibly the scariest unknown would be the contents of a hot dog.


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Hook Em

Wednesday, May 7th, 2014 • Filed under Assaults, Drugs, Drunks

What are the “popular” kids at school like? What does that word even entail? Money, probably. Money spent on fake tans and hideous rainbow lacrosse shorts, I hope. Usually some kind of lavish vacations to the Cancumudappines and ostentatious homes as well.


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Little Cheesey

Monday, January 20th, 2014 • Filed under Assaults, Robberies

People always say there’s no such thing as bad pizza, but Dominos takes that as a challenge. Nothing says “Italy” like cardboard-flavored crust topped with solidified yellow grease. Mmm…wanna go vegan yet?


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Chicken Dance

Sunday, January 19th, 2014 • Filed under Assaults, Other Weapons

Cheating is a grave matter. Cheating on a test could land you in detention (or, if done correctly, a good college). Cheating in a relationship…well. That would require two entire people finding me attractive, and that’s not even plausible enough to discuss.


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Getting A Bit Squirrely

Saturday, January 4th, 2014 • Filed under Assaults, Other Weapons

Squirrels are a nuisance, hands down. Walking around with their chubby faces full of food, scurrying up trees, prancing across the street with their babies…absolutely filthy, disgusting creatures. Aliens, honestly. So why would people have little ceramic statues of them?


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