Ironic Criminals Caught On Tape!
Friday, August 25th, 2006 • Filed under Assaults • 7 Comments
REPORTER: Hey, Thomas Kersey Milam of Bossier City, La.! You’ve just been found not guilty of misdemeanor aggravated assault? What are you gonna do now?
MILAM: (POW!)
Read more »
Appetite for Destruction: A Special Report
Wednesday, June 28th, 2006 • Filed under Assaults, Drunks • 8 Comments
This just in, Guns ‘n Roses Lead Singer Axl Rose is making headlines. Has he fallen off a hotel balcony during a drunken stupor finally giving me five in a row on my “VH1 Behind the Music Fallen Star BINGO Card”? No, but Santa still hasn’t answered my letter yet, so there’s still hope.
STOCKHOLM, Sweden – Axl Rose spent most of the day in a Stockholm jail cell after allegedly biting a security guard in the leg at his hotel, police said.
The Guns N’ Roses frontman was arrested early Tuesday after attacking and threatening the guard and causing damage to the Berns Hotel, where the alleged scuffle took place, police spokeswoman Towe Hagg said.
Rose was released from jail that evening, after he admitted to the charges and agreed to pay a fine of $5,500, Hagg said.
The 44-year-old rocker was also ordered to pay $1,360 in damages to the security guard, she said.
Catarina Oscarsson, a spokeswoman for concert organizer Ema Telstar, said that (surprise!) Axl was drunk during the confrontation. Police said they could tell he was drunk because of the way he walked, the slurring in his speech and the fact that he was Axl Rose, the frontman for Guns ‘n Roses.
Police officers said he continued scuffling with police during his arrest and was so drunk that they couldn’t question him. They said they were interested to know, “What in the hell did Izzy Stradlin do to deserve getting kicked out of Guns ‘n Roses?”.
It isn’t the first time Rose has been known to break out in fisticuffs. Back in May, Rose first got in a fight with a celebrity, fashion designer Tommy Hilfiger, at a New York club after Rose rudely moved Hilfiger’s girlfriend’s drink. It is also the first time Rose picked up a drink and didn’t inject directly into his bloodstream.
Pepper Spray It, Don’t Say It
Thursday, June 15th, 2006 • Filed under Assaults • 1 Comment
I always loved slapstick comedy, especially “The Three Stooges.” They could find pain and comedy with just about any prop. I always wondered they would be like if they were in the 20th Century if Moe could beat up Larry and Curly with blenders, microwaves and pepper spray. Now we know…
SAN JOSE, Calif. (NBC11.com) — A San Jose man is in custody after he threatened someone with a knife and exposed seven officers and paramedics to hazardous fumes, police said.
It happened outside an apartment complex on Merrill Drive, in southwest San Jose overnight Tuesday.
Police said a man threatened family members with a knife then sprayed himself with pepper spray, exposing everyone to the fumes.
Everyone was decontaminated and is expected to be OK.
The suspect was hospitalized and faces charges of assault with a deadly weapon.
He sprayed himself in the face with his own pepper spray. Something tells me if this guy owned a flamethrower, he’d win a Darwin award.
And how did he contaminate everyone in the room with just pepper spary? Was it authentic Mexican jalapeno flavored or something?
The unidentified man is expected to recover from his injuries, but he will have to wait for a donor so he can have a dignity transplant.
Do You Know the Muffin Men Who Live on Dummy Lane?
Wednesday, May 31st, 2006 • Filed under Assaults, Drugs • Comment
High school is that wacky time of life when kids get to be kids. Boys get to be boys, girls get to be girls and freshmen gets to be the world’s bitch. I’ve always believed we let teenagers get away with too much because when we see the teens acting up or violating the law, we think, “Oh those are just teenagers being teenagers” instead of “There is no God.” Take for instance…
DALLAS (AP) — An honors student has been charged with delivering marijuana-spiked muffins to a teachers lounge in a senior prank that sent 18 people to the hospital and triggered an FBI and terrorism investigation.
“I had no idea of the scope of my actions,” Ian Walker, 18, said Friday, a day after he and friend Joseph Tellini surrendered to police. They could receive 10 years in prison or more if convicted of felony charges.
Walker is accused of bringing adulterated bran muffins to Tellini’s suburban school May 16 and claiming they were part of a Boy Scout project. When Lake Highlands High School employees ate the muffins, they began complaining of nausea, lightheadedness and headaches.
Most of those sickened were quickly treated and released, but Rita Greenfield, an 86-year-old receptionist, spent two days in the hospital.
“They were just thinking it would be fun to get these teachers all silly and giggly,” Greenfield said. “I do not think of this as a prank at all. It has caused heartaches and hard feelings.”
He had no idea about the scope of his actions? He brought weed onto a school campus! If only his parents had bought him that telescope he longed for so desperately as a child…
For their little prank, they each got five counts of assault and since they were teachers or employees of the state, they got bumped up to assault on a public servant, which each carries a possible sentence between two and 10 years in prison where “muffin stuffing” takes on a whole new meaning.
Thanks to KEITHG2929@aol.com for this story. Remember if you have a Dumb Criminal story you’d like us to rip a new one from the headlines, send it along to andy@dumblaws.com.
Slap in the Race: A Special Report
Saturday, April 8th, 2006 • Filed under Assaults • Comment
We’ve got some breaking news…from two days ago. Rep. Cynthia McKinney has admitted to and apologized for her crimes against our sanity.
WASHINGTON D.C. (San Francisco Chronicle) — Under increasing pressure from House Democratic leaders, Rep. Cynthia McKinney took to the House floor Thursday to apologize for an incident in which she allegedly assaulted a Capitol police officer at a security checkpoint.
The incident with McKinney began when she tried to go around a security checkpoint, as members of Congress are entitled to do. She wasn’t wearing her members’ lapel pin, and it appears an officer did not recognize her.
She was challenged, but didn’t stop. When an officer tried to stop her, and apparently touched her, McKinney allegedly struck the officer in front of witnesses.
Since the slap heard ’round the world, McKinney stated that racial profiling had more to do with the incident than ensuring Capitol Hill’s security. You know, I’m sure racial profiling still occurs at airports and in rich neighborhoods and even at heavily guarded Barnes & Noble’s. But in this case? Come on, she would have sounded more plausible if she said the cop stopped her because of her hairstyle.
This just in, she also said during a CBS interview that the cop stopped her because of her hairstyle and that she believe it made police suspicious. Her comments sparked a flurry “Queer Eye” style insults from many right wing pundits including famed radio schlock jock Neal Boortz who said that McKinney “looked like a welfare drag queen.” It’s important to note, of course, that Boortz is balder than a blind guy with a Flowbee. A little jealous, are we Boortzy?
But thankfully, after two straight weeks of accusations, criticisms, yelling and constant shouting of “You go girl,” McKinney finally apologized to the officer and the police force over the whole not-so-slap-happy affair. Of course, a federal grand jury is now considering whether or not to indict her on assault charges and her fellow House members and even some Senators including former House Majority Leader Tom DeLay are calling for her to be investigated by an ethics committee. Tom DeLay is telling someone they need to check their ethics? Isn’t that the pot calling the kettle “a pot”?
A Bad Game of Kickball
Saturday, April 1st, 2006 • Filed under Assaults • 2 Comments
Men are naturally competitive creatures. If we had half a chance to beat our mothers in a game of tackle football, we’d turn her cookie baking ass into astro-turf even if there wasn’t any money on the line. That’s why this tragic tale of a grown man giving a kid a sporting smackdown came as no surprise to me…
LIBERTY, Mo. (AP) — A youth minister was charged with assault for allegedly knocking a 16-year-old boy down and kicking him in the groin after taking a head shot from the teen in a dodgeball game.
David M. Boudreaux, 27, was charged Wednesday with one count of third-degree assault. According to court documents, the incident happened in February at Crescent Lake Christian Academy.
Oucheroo, so what did this poor kid do to deserve such a beatdown? He hit Boudreaux in the face with a rubber ball.
The kid smacks Boudreaux in the face hard enough to knock off his glasses and he walks over, and even though the kid apologizes, he pushes him down and kicks him in square in the groin. Geez Preacherman, I don’t think Jesus would have done that.
Boudreaux later apologized for the incident. Then the boy pushed him down and kicked him square in the groin.
Bite Me
Tuesday, March 7th, 2006 • Filed under Assaults, Drunks • 2 Comments
I’ve done a lot of dumb, embarassing things while I was drunk: fell in a neighbor’s pool in a full suit, chased a wiener dog on my knees, donated money to the Reform party. But despite all these bruises on my dignity, at least I can say with a great deal of pride that as drunk as I’ve been in my life, I’ve never tried to bite a cop…even if he asked me to.
BERLIN (Reuters) – Police had called for a hearse at a funeral home to transport a body to the cemetery.
“The hearse driver nearly fell over when he got out of the car. Then he had to hold onto everything he could find as he stumbled to the house,” said police spokesman Dietmar Greger.
Police decided to take the man to the station to test his blood alcohol level, but when they tried to get him out of their car he started a fight and bit an officer several times in the hand.
Kids, remember, don’t drive and drive. But if you do drink and drive, don’t get pulled over by the cops. But if you do get pulled over by the cops, don’t refuse to take a breathalizer test by turning into a rabid Marv Albert.
This case actually scares me a little bit. Think about it: guy who works around newly dead people bites a human being. It sounds like the zombies are rising and infecting the living. It’s a good thing I sleep with my shotgun every night. Her name is Charlene.