Dumb Criminals

And Now…Tampons!

Monday, November 2nd, 2009 • Filed under At-Large, Burglaries, Theft

I can’t fathom a reason why someone out there would want to steal a two ton shipment of feminine hygiene products and maybe I just really don’t want to because I like sleeping without waking up screaming.

A woman or (even weirder) possibly a man stole more than a half a million worth of different feminine products from sanitary napkins to tampons, according to The Cabin.

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Under the Gun

Friday, October 2nd, 2009 • Filed under At-Large, Guns, Robberies

You shouldn’t take what doesn’t belong to you, especially if you’re using it to take something that doesn’t belong to you.

A restaurant employee who wrestled a gun away from his attacker got the attacker pleading for him to give the gun back to him because it didn’t belong to him, according to WSOCTV.com.

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Catching Hell for Your Cell

Wednesday, July 1st, 2009 • Filed under At-Large, Burglaries

Cell phones are great. They give us instant access to communication and information at the click of a button. They allow to keep in constant contact with important people where ever we go. They constantly go off in movie theaters giving short tempered people a chance to increase their upper body strength with the cell phone owner’s face.

They also help police nab the bad guy like this burglar who took a picture of himself with his cell phone and left at the scene, according to Metro.co.uk.

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If You Love Something, Set It Free…

Sunday, May 6th, 2007 • Filed under At-Large, Other

If it comes back to you, then you’ve found a sign of true love. If it comes back to you dead, then it’s a sign of sheer stupidity.

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No Laughing Matter

Thursday, March 1st, 2007 • Filed under At-Large, Banks, Robberies

We here at Dumbcriminals.com like to have a good laugh now and again, but these girls are taking it a bit too far.

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Stupor Size It

Thursday, June 1st, 2006 • Filed under At-Large, Theft

Some crimes make you wonder if God really is watching out for us. Some crimes make you wonder if people stopped praying to God. Some crimes make you wonder if God just has a sense of humor. Well tell the guy to quit laughing at us and get back to work. There’s things to do around this planet. I was not put on this Earth to be your maid.

MIRAMAR BEACH, Fla. (Local6.com) — Walton County authorities are on the lookout for a man known for his yellow jumpsuit, red-and-white striped shirt and red boots.

Sheriff’s deputies are looking for a Ronald McDonald statue stolen from a Miramar Beach franchise.

The $2,000 statue was stolen sometime between Friday night and Saturday morning.
According to the franchise owner, it isn’t the first time the restaurant has been robbed of its Ronald.

The statue was cemented to a bench after a previous snatching.

There’s only two reasons someone would steal a Ronald McDonald statue: (1) they have a clown fetish and (2) they were too drunk to hang out in front of the 7-11, so they hung out in front of the local McDonalds and the Ronald McDonald statue was giving them attitude.

Police say the profile of the thief is an angry bitter young man who is unemployed, have a lot of time on their hands and lives with their parents. They have narrowed the list down of possible suspects to everyone who eats at McDonalds.

If you see anyone carrying a Ronald McDonald statue, first make sure they aren’t kidnapping Richard Simmons in clown makeup and then call the authorities.

Tapeheads

Wednesday, May 17th, 2006 • Filed under At-Large, Burglaries, Cars, Theft

What’s dumber than stealing a car, an iPod and a video camera and leaving all three at the scene after a car chase? If you said leaving a tape you made of you and your dumb little buddies in the video camera, then you need to stop reading ahead and cheating. Seriously, you must be lousy to play “Trivial Pursuit” with.

ST. PAUL (Star Tribune) — Police were seeking four suspects, and they had caught three juveniles by Thursday night.

A sheriff’s deputy came across the tape in a stolen video camera that was recovered from a stolen car early Sunday morning in Vadnais Heights after a car chase and crash.

The driver and a passenger fled on foot, eluding the deputy. But in the vehicle, one of two stolen last month in Maplewood, the deputy found a trove from the burglaries. It included the video camera, a cell phone, an iPod, a shotgun and other items stolen last week.

In addition to the three people seen in the video, investigators believed there was a fourth person running the camera. They believe that person is among the three caught.

You know, video cameras have really changed law enforcement in this country. Now, it’s become so advanced, the crooks are able to do the taping for them. Wow! Screw flying cars!

Police believe they have three in custody but the fourth is still at large, possibly taping a commentary for the director’s cut.

According to the story, the four boys videotaped themselves on a basketball court, playing video games and (wait for it) rapping. So that’s what happened to Vanilla Ice…

Brownie Gets Burned

Friday, March 10th, 2006 • Filed under At-Large, Forgery

It’s that time of year again — Girl Scout cookies! That time of year when hundreds of thousands of girl scouts set up folding tables with their den mothers in front of stores all across the country where people wait in long, long lines so they can rip the little brats off.

TENINO (The Olympian) — A 10-year-old Girl Scout was excited when a woman asked to buy 10 boxes of cookies from her Sunday, and she was more excited to be paid with a $100 bill.

But her excitement turned to dismay when the Scout’s mother realized the bill was a fake, and a day of raising money for Scout trips ended with a valuable lesson.

“Sometimes you can’t trust just anybody,? the Scout said.

God, what an evil person. Who would do such a horrible, rotten, evil thing? I mean, other than Nixon. I hope they find this woman and strings her up by ear lobes — unless she got away with the thin mints. Then I can understand.

This evil spawn of the Devil herself bought $40 worth of goodies and handed over a $100 bill, and the mother gave her three $20s in change. The mother immediately thought the bill was fake and confirmed her suspicions with the store manager’s counterfeit money pen. The counterfeiter’s one big mistake? Money isn’t yellow.

So what makes this evil, rotten, horrid waste of flesh a dumb criminal? She had a fake $100 bill that she used to steal Girl Scout cookies. If I had a free $100 bill, there’s about a dozen strip clubs I’d spend it at and even if they found out it was fake, compared to a Girl Scout den mother there’s less than a 50 percent chance that I’d get tasered.

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