Dumb Criminals

Sweet Revenge

Saturday, August 6th, 2016 • Filed under Break-Ins

Sometimes stereotypes are proven true, which is why they are unfortunately perpetuated in society. For example, I am a woman and I do think The Notebook is a halfway decent movie, which has unfortunately led to its prevalence in the zeitgeist. All bitterness aside, this story is more saccharine than Ryan Gosling’s little Ferris wheel stunt.

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Sunday, May 22nd, 2016 • Filed under Break-Ins

Nothing’s scarier than hearing noises home alone at night. Every squirrel on the roof is a serial killer, every car on the road is a violent cop coming to arrest you for whatever you got up to on nights like this in high school. And when the ice falls out of the ice maker in the freezer? It’s Nostradamus.

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Is That You, No-Face?

Friday, December 11th, 2015 • Filed under Break-Ins

Recall some of your wildest childhood fantasies. Did you want to fly? Talk to animals? As a kid, I remember wanting to lock myself in a grocery store overnight and eat everything possible. Thank God my metabolism caught up with me before my mature sense of logic did. Unfortunately, one guy experienced this revelation a little too late.

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A Crime Worse Than Anchovies

Tuesday, November 3rd, 2015 • Filed under Break-Ins, Robberies

What would you do for a good pizza? Due to the misfortune of living off dining hall garbage and Domino’s toxic waste for several months, I’d kill someone for legitimate saucy, cheesy, New York style heroin. If you don’t know what it’s like to risk a prison sentence for pizza, you’ve probably only had Papa John’s.

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Snack Attack

Tuesday, June 9th, 2015 • Filed under Break-Ins, Drunks

Imagine moving in with the significant other you had as a nineteen year old. No matter your current circumstances, you’d have to leave your home immediately and begin a new life with this person from your past. Here’s the catch: he/she is still nineteen whereas you remain the age you currently are. How do you cope?

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They’re Frowny Faces This Time

Saturday, April 25th, 2015 • Filed under Break-Ins, Burglaries, Robberies

As much as we sophisticated humans would like to pretend otherwise, food is just as much a motivator for us as it is for animals in training. When food is involved, we’ll do it. Invite us to your wedding, your graduation, your nephew’s baptism, your third cousin’s baby shower, your family friend’s uncle’s retirement party. If there’s free food involved, we’ll do what we’re trained to do best – feign interest in small talk with strangers.

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Not a Time Machine Either

Sunday, March 1st, 2015 • Filed under Break-Ins

Every once in a while, I think back to this ad I saw in middle school health class. I can’t quite remember the context, but I do know it was an illustration of a group of people relaxing in a hot tub. However, the hot tub was a cauldron in some exotic forest and the people were blissfully unaware of their grisly fate. I remember thinking “what a way to go”. Because I can’t remember any reason behind being shown this ad, it’s possible I had actually ignored every other part of health class and was hallucinating off of something.

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Ex-Ho Ho Ho

Friday, November 7th, 2014 • Filed under Break-Ins

‘Twas night before Christmas, all through the house, not a creature was stirring…except for some lady chilling in the chimney. It’s the classic tale of the creepy ex-girlfriend stalker, this time with a Christmas twist! Is it too early for seasonal fun?

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