Dumb Criminals

No Corny Jokes Here

Thursday, September 11th, 2014 • Filed under Break-Ins

Fair food. The owners of probably the most unfair smells ever to reach my nostrils. Walking around with your family? Here, each of you can gnaw on a sausage on a stick. On a first date with a cute girl person thing? Here, eviscerate a giant turkey leg in front of her. Nothing turns on a woman more than loose bird flesh dangling from your kissing machine.

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Breakfast At…Prison

Friday, August 22nd, 2014 • Filed under Break-Ins, Burglaries

How many culinary stereotypes do you believe in? It’s true, Southerners drink sweet tea like Greek gods drink nectar. Italian weddings do consist of 40 million pasta dishes, and policeman do knock back circular breakfast foods like nobody’s business.

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Bathroom Dreams

Wednesday, May 7th, 2014 • Filed under Break-Ins, Corrupt Cops

Have you ever had the dreams where you just REALLY need to urinate? But you can’t find a single viable bathroom? Maybe the public bathroom is on a stage, or maybe it’s the worst toilet in Scotland. Unfortunately, this is a reality for some.

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Medium Rare, Please

Sunday, October 21st, 2012 • Filed under Assaults, Break-Ins, Other Weapons

Giving Christmas presents becomes increasingly difficult as everyone grows up. Few people have the need for a third toaster, and nobody wants one of those hideous sweaters with the dancing cats. So what simple object can prove useful?

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That’s Nacho Car

Sunday, May 20th, 2012 • Filed under Break-Ins, Cars, Other Weapons

Mexican food is just delicious. I mean, there’s nothing like a balanced diet of chips, salsa, and whatever food item you can’t finish because you ate too much of the first two. But what if this particular ethnic cuisine started showing up in unexpected places?

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I Can Haz Moneh

Sunday, March 11th, 2012 • Filed under Break-Ins, Burglaries

Little kids can be great. They cheer you up when you’re down, make you more attractive to the opposite sex, and are hilarious when swearing on Youtube.

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Now Where Are The Dwarves?

Monday, February 20th, 2012 • Filed under Break-Ins

I could never pay someone to clean my house. Like, what if they thought I was…a slob? That stuff is personal.  Those are MY toothpaste globs, MY dirty socks lying everywhere, MY dust all over the TV. I can’t help but thinking I’ll be judged for the layer of grime that lovingly cocoons all of my possessions.

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