Dumb Criminals

They’re Frowny Faces This Time

Saturday, April 25th, 2015 • Filed under Break-Ins, Burglaries, Robberies

As much as we sophisticated humans would like to pretend otherwise, food is just as much a motivator for us as it is for animals in training. When food is involved, we’ll do it. Invite us to your wedding, your graduation, your nephew’s baptism, your third cousin’s baby shower, your family friend’s uncle’s retirement party. If there’s free food involved, we’ll do what we’re trained to do best – feign interest in small talk with strangers.

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Bruce Would Be Disappointed

Tuesday, February 24th, 2015 • Filed under Burglaries

My favorite action flick is Die Hard. My favorite Christmas movie is Die Hard. My favorite food is Die Hard. My favorite color is Die Hard. The movie is no doubt important, but was it important enough to spark a crime?

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Breakfast At…Prison

Friday, August 22nd, 2014 • Filed under Break-Ins, Burglaries

How many culinary stereotypes do you believe in? It’s true, Southerners drink sweet tea like Greek gods drink nectar. Italian weddings do consist of 40 million pasta dishes, and policeman do knock back circular breakfast foods like nobody’s business.

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Robin Hood Level: Stupid

Monday, August 13th, 2012 • Filed under Burglaries, Cars

Have you ever gotten a present you didn’t really ask for? A record, for instance. It’s thrilling that your friend is cool enough to be into vinyl, but there you have absolutely no way to listen to 12 inches of whatever obscure music your friend dug out of the ever-so-esteemed thrift store collection.

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Come On, E.T.!

Monday, June 4th, 2012 • Filed under Burglaries, Theft

So this is the kind of thing that sounds like the challenge in one of those children’s computer games. You know, the ones where Winnie The Pooh tried to teach you which colors make purple, or where you cried because you killed Nancy Drew on the carousel or something. Yeah. Technology’s come along nicely.

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I Can Haz Moneh

Sunday, March 11th, 2012 • Filed under Break-Ins, Burglaries

Little kids can be great. They cheer you up when you’re down, make you more attractive to the opposite sex, and are hilarious when swearing on Youtube.

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And It’s Not Even Thanksgiving Yet

Monday, November 21st, 2011 • Filed under Burglaries

As a kid, my belief in Santa Claus was always challenged by wondering why he couldn’t just go through the front door. Not to mention my concern for the kids who didn’t have chimneys. But why would a guy who can fly around the world with millions of gifts in one night have to adhere to conventional entrances?

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Make Yourself At Home

Monday, September 5th, 2011 • Filed under Burglaries

Being a host is so stressful. First, you have to clean your house to the point of hiding any evidence of actual humans living there. Next, you need to spend time preparing a bunch of unhealthy food that your female guests probably won’t even look at, because it contains the deadly disease known as calories.

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