Dumb Criminals: Burglaries

I can’t tell you how excited I am to finally have a monkey story up here. It’s been a long time. Why am I so excited? Because I like monkeys. They are Mother Nature’s comedy writers. Even their name is funny. And as an added bonus, this story involves monkeys AND pajamas! Oh Santa got my letter after all.

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There are lots of little things everybody can do to help get them through their day. For example, I like to take a nice brisk walk whenever I get a chance. I try not to eat heavy fried foods during the days but I like to treat myself at least once a day. I start my day with a strong cup of coffee. I always remember to wear pants.

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It’s a shame that alcohol makes some men do the most horrid, selfish and illegal things. If only alcohol had a better effect on the human body, like say, you have too few many beers, a shot of whiskey and a sniff of Jaegermeister and the alcohol in your brain mixes with your neurons and you black out. Then when you wake up you realize you’ve been working all night on a cure for cancer.

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Every now and then, some hapless burglar gets trapped in an air duct or air conditioning shaft of some kind and when it happens, we can’t help but feel one or all three of these ways: (1) that life is redundant because people refuse to learn, (2) that evolution stopped somewhere back during the Renaissance period, (3) uh huh huh, uh huh huh…

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I don’t know if it’s the context or the plot of this story, but for some reason, the more I read this, the more I keep hearing the “Murder, She Wrote” theme in my head. Damn you Angela Lansbury, you’ve invaded my thoughts for the last time.

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Let me just say this up front: anyone, ANYONE, who gets caught committing crimes that exactly mirror cliches should be locked up for the rest of their lives. That’s right, I’m talking to you, Mr. Behind Bridge Arsonist.

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It never fails to amaze me how so many people can be foiled by candy. Whoever says something is as easy as taking candy from a baby just means they are easily distracted by candy. They are also easily confused by children.

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They say funny things always happen in threes. Well let’s see, this robbery attempt involves three guys. They try to unsuccessfully steal an ATM machine three times. They also each have a third of their normal brain capacity.

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