Dumb Criminals: Burglaries

Let me just say this up front: anyone, ANYONE, who gets caught committing crimes that exactly mirror cliches should be locked up for the rest of their lives. That’s right, I’m talking to you, Mr. Behind Bridge Arsonist.

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It never fails to amaze me how so many people can be foiled by candy. Whoever says something is as easy as taking candy from a baby just means they are easily distracted by candy. They are also easily confused by children.

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They say funny things always happen in threes. Well let’s see, this robbery attempt involves three guys. They try to unsuccessfully steal an ATM machine three times. They also each have a third of their normal brain capacity.

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There are some places where you just shouldn’t do certain things. Don’t wear a meat suit in a pirahna shop. Don’t let your pet ferret get some exercise on a crowded subway. Don’t bring crack to church. And don’t try to burglarize a police department’s K-9 kennel.

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There’s nothing more embarassing to a burglar than getting caught in the very place they’re burglarizing. I can say with extreme confidence that the tip top on the embarassment scale. Oh wait, a major British newspaper got pictures of it? We stand corrected.

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ONE OF LIFE’S LITTLE LESSONS #4991: Get plenty of sleep or sleep will get you. And by get you, I don’t mean a free refill of Diet Dr. Pepper.

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If there’s one epidemic in Bad Criminal-dom besides alcoholism, brain herpes and jaundis, it’s leaving your personal identification at the scene of a crime. How do I know its so bad? There were actually two cases this week.

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ONE OF LIFE’S LITTLE LESSONS #7,991: Always plan ahead or you plan to fail. Don’t be left in the dark. Carry your own torch. Rely less on stupid cliches. (That last one was for me.)

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