Dumb Criminals

Vogue Spring Collection 2016

Sunday, May 22nd, 2016 • Filed under Cars, Drunks

Can you imagine being famous for one stupid thing you did? Worse yet, what if this stupid thing became your moniker? It’d be like living in a middle school sit-com made for middle-schoolers. How would people recognize you if not for your accidental bodily functions or your idiotically phrased comments?

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Young Man, I Will Turn This Car Around!

Thursday, January 28th, 2016 • Filed under Assaults, Cars, Guns

Let us take this moment to appreciate all the DD’s of the world. Not Dunkin Donuts, not ample breasts, but designated drivers. Luckily because my driving skills are perilous at best while sober, I have never had the experience of a car filled with people screaming, vomiting, and possibly f***ing. At least Uber drivers are paid.

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This’ll Crack You Up

Friday, December 11th, 2015 • Filed under Cars, Vandalism

I remember when my little sister was angry at a boy, my best friend and I contrived a beautiful repertoire of revenge possibilities. This included writing his phone number on bathroom stalls and throwing a chai latte at the kid’s new girlfriend. Why that particular beverage? Her name was Charlotte, which we ever so spitefully pronounced Char-latte. Good thing my high school freshman sister possessed enough impulse control for the both of us and no plan came to fruition.

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In the Doghouse

Friday, October 16th, 2015 • Filed under Cars, Drugs, Drunks

Why do we love when pets act like people? Is our species-wide sense of narcissism quite that powerful, or do we prefer the simple responsibility of animals over the all-encompassing responsibility of smaller people? Either way, cats who sit upright and dogs who shake hands consistently captivates the heart of America.

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Maybe He Was Just in Freshmen English 101

Monday, February 16th, 2015 • Filed under Cars

What’s the worst place you’ve ever fallen asleep? A while ago, I had a nightmare I fell asleep while driving. Once I wrecked my car, I was so relieved that I could sleep because I didn’t have to drive anymore. As a little girl (in real life!), I performed in musicals at my church, and my father used to see me nodding off…while standing up, singing songs…in front of people.  Can you top that?

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Honk Honk

Monday, January 19th, 2015 • Filed under Cars

What are two events that should never mix? Sex and driving. What are two events that often mix? Sex and driving. Someone I knew said a coworker of his had a girl on top of him whilst driving down a dirt path (a very dirty path indeed). In a favorite novel of mine, road head eventually leads to an ghost that just won’t quit hanging around…sort of like an annoying ex?

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Got Schooled

Saturday, June 28th, 2014 • Filed under Cars

What are your favorite schoolbus memories? My mom fondly remembers kids attempting to smoke out of the windows and mooning the driver, while my personal treasury features the time the driver berated first grader me for being scared of a spider.

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At Least Nash Is Happy

Sunday, May 25th, 2014 • Filed under Cars

What’s the deal with body hair removal? Just something for militant Tumblr feminists to whine over? To be fair, I don’t want my significant other to look simian, whether male or female.

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