Dumb Criminals

The Lion, The Witch, and Dat Dank Kush

Thursday, September 11th, 2014 • Filed under Drugs

Everybody knows that DARE week at school is just an excuse for druggie hipsters to be even more ironic. If I recall correctly, the same kid who hugged me while supposedly high on meth was sporting a red rubber band bracelet a week later. Really, all I gathered from this occurrence was that someone had to be REALLY f***ed up before he found me huggable. :(

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The Cool Dad

Monday, July 14th, 2014 • Filed under Drugs

Having a kid can ruin a lot of things. Your sleep schedule, your financial situation, your sex life, your friendship.  That being said, the good certainly outweighs the bad by 7 pounds 8 ounces or so.

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Hook Em

Wednesday, May 7th, 2014 • Filed under Assaults, Drugs, Drunks

What are the “popular” kids at school like? What does that word even entail? Money, probably. Money spent on fake tans and hideous rainbow lacrosse shorts, I hope. Usually some kind of lavish vacations to the Cancumudappines and ostentatious homes as well.

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Turn Down For What

Sunday, March 23rd, 2014 • Filed under Drugs

Nothing makes me want to do drugs less than hearing people talk about doing drugs. “Yeah MAANNN I couldn’t even FEEL my extra toes.” “BRUH that’s so sick-nasty but I ate an entire mac-n-cheese PIZZA remember???” Like no thanks, I can eat just as much and be just as pseudo-philosophical without having to laboriously hotbox anything.

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Fashion, Look It Up

Tuesday, November 26th, 2013 • Filed under Drugs, Drunks

Clothing is always crazy, but lately with Black Friday looming near, merchandise shelves are getting more and more outrageous. Pink fur jackets (which animal has pink fur, and if so, why would you kill such a rarity just to keep your rich white butt warm?) paired with pants too patterned to seem real (thanks, let me just walk around sporting wallpaper) seem to fill everyone’s shopping bags.

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Potted Plants

Saturday, September 7th, 2013 • Filed under Drugs

Have you ever accidentally gotten high? Like, you thought it was a normal brownie, or normal mushrooms. But nope, turns out you’re absolutely tripping. Good luck explaining that one to the police.

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THC: Less For Me

Thursday, July 18th, 2013 • Filed under Drugs

Mmm…brownies.  Mmm…cannabis. Just kidding. But pot brownies are a great way to both acquire the munchies and then take care of them simultaneously. And what more could stoners want than a simple, lazy way to do things?

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High Score

Saturday, April 27th, 2013 • Filed under Cars, Drugs

Some typical “drug things” you have to be high to enjoy. Movies and music can usually hold up pretty well when watched sober, but not the consumption of Taco Bell. And especially not Doritos Locos Tacos. If you’re eating those, doing drugs is not your biggest problem.

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