Dumb Criminals

Worse than Chipotle’s Mistake

Thursday, June 16th, 2016 • Filed under Drugs, Smugglers

What do you prefer on your burritos? Meat cooked long before being shipped all the way from Chicago, beans of suspicious origin, or ninety-seven varieties of salsa? Honestly, none of this really matters when you’re intoxicated enough.

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Scattered, Smothered, Arrested

Thursday, February 25th, 2016 • Filed under Drugs

Posing a question to my fellow college town inhabitants and all others with fond memories…when was the last time you were completely sober in a Waffle House? Worse yet, when was the last time you were throwing up while completely sober? I’ll give you a hint, it was whenever you were sober in a Waffle House.

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Not Quite Manna

Friday, October 16th, 2015 • Filed under Drugs

While the addictive properties of marijuana are not quite proven to exist, I have observed that the people who need weed…need…weed. That’s why a high school friend of mine constructed a bong from a flashlight with the use of duct tape (at that point, it probably wasn’t the toxins from the drug affecting his brain) and why another friend smoked out of apples until his mother remarked on how healthily he was eating.

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In the Doghouse

Friday, October 16th, 2015 • Filed under Cars, Drugs, Drunks

Why do we love when pets act like people? Is our species-wide sense of narcissism quite that powerful, or do we prefer the simple responsibility of animals over the all-encompassing responsibility of smaller people? Either way, cats who sit upright and dogs who shake hands consistently captivates the heart of America.

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Thursday, September 17th, 2015 • Filed under Drugs, Theft

Remember the age old saying “If he picks on you, it means he likes you.”? Clearly when a boy calls you fat, it’s because he’s imagining you carrying his firstborn with all the grace of a life-bringing earth goddess. When a boy steals your phone, he’s subliminally reassuring you that you’ll never have to worry about financing your own purchases again.  So ladies, next time Trey or Chad or Tyler or Trent pulls this crap, you’ll know you’ve found the one.

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BLOW Out the Candles

Friday, September 11th, 2015 • Filed under Drugs

Nothing causes me to fear for society’s future quite like reality shows centered on birthday parties. Have we, as a nation, regressed in intellect so far as to find ourselves entranced by enormous dresses, spoiled children, and strobe lights beckoning us from a television screen? Are we worshipping the mundane, idolizing the bourgeoisie, and perpetuating the stagnancy? Absolutely. Somebody better let Banksy know.

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Only Lawyer Worse Than Zuckercorn

Sunday, March 29th, 2015 • Filed under Drugs

What happens when your lawyer himself doesn’t obey the law? You’re screwed. That’s as ridiculous as a butcher going vegetarian or an author who doesn’t read. Worse yet, a teacher who doesn’t know how to teach…because, golly gee, none of us have ever experienced that before, right?

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Is This Weed Still Kosher?

Saturday, February 7th, 2015 • Filed under Drugs

Throughout time, pigs have been an important motif in several works. Everything from the classic novel Lord of the Flies to the British anthology series Black Mirror has employed a pig in some way or another. So what’s the pig deal? Turns out the Sus scrofa domesticus is more sus than you may think.

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