Dumb Criminals

One Hit and You’re McGone-aughey

Saturday, January 10th, 2015 • Filed under Drugs

Which movies of this year have you seen so far? My favorite space film is either Guardians of the Galaxy or Interstellar. I suppose I could include Inherent Vice, considering I spent the entire movie completely spaced out. However, it was Interstellar that prompted my fellow cinephile to utter the words “I’m going to film a documonaughey about Matthew McConaughey.” Weeks later I’m still laughing…and Inherent Vice still hasn’t ended.

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Breaking Bath(room)

Sunday, December 28th, 2014 • Filed under Drugs

What’s the sketchiest thing you’ve ever done in a public restroom? My friend said that where she grew up, the family restroom in a particular mall was “infested with STD’s”. At my school, the worst bathroom findings are thirty pounds of used chewing tobacco and unoriginal graffiti. Nothing says academia like empty Grizzly cans juxtaposed with scribbles of “your beautiful”.

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“There’s Final Hits and Final Hits”

Sunday, December 28th, 2014 • Filed under Drugs

My father told me a story about one of his school projects when he was a kid. For science class, he was assigned to create a poster containing information about drugs. After extensive effort on the part of my grandmother and himself, the finished product featured a bag of oregano, a bag of sugar, and an empty plastic syringe. My father said he did not receive a very good grade due to the lack of actual science, yet that pales in comparison to the reaction a teacher would have today.

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The Lion, The Witch, and Dat Dank Kush

Thursday, September 11th, 2014 • Filed under Drugs

Everybody knows that DARE week at school is just an excuse for druggie hipsters to be even more ironic. If I recall correctly, the same kid who hugged me while supposedly high on meth was sporting a red rubber band bracelet a week later. Really, all I gathered from this occurrence was that someone had to be REALLY f***ed up before he found me huggable. 🙁

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The Cool Dad

Monday, July 14th, 2014 • Filed under Drugs

Having a kid can ruin a lot of things. Your sleep schedule, your financial situation, your sex life, your friendship.  That being said, the good certainly outweighs the bad by 7 pounds 8 ounces or so.

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Hook Em

Wednesday, May 7th, 2014 • Filed under Assaults, Drugs, Drunks

What are the “popular” kids at school like? What does that word even entail? Money, probably. Money spent on fake tans and hideous rainbow lacrosse shorts, I hope. Usually some kind of lavish vacations to the Cancumudappines and ostentatious homes as well.

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Turn Down For What

Sunday, March 23rd, 2014 • Filed under Drugs

Nothing makes me want to do drugs less than hearing people talk about doing drugs. “Yeah MAANNN I couldn’t even FEEL my extra toes.” “BRUH that’s so sick-nasty but I ate an entire mac-n-cheese PIZZA remember???” Like no thanks, I can eat just as much and be just as pseudo-philosophical without having to laboriously hotbox anything.

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Fashion, Look It Up

Tuesday, November 26th, 2013 • Filed under Drugs, Drunks

Clothing is always crazy, but lately with Black Friday looming near, merchandise shelves are getting more and more outrageous. Pink fur jackets (which animal has pink fur, and if so, why would you kill such a rarity just to keep your rich white butt warm?) paired with pants too patterned to seem real (thanks, let me just walk around sporting wallpaper) seem to fill everyone’s shopping bags.

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