Dumb Criminals

Dumb Criminals: Drunks

Insert Your Own Dumb ‘Drive-Thru’ Joke Here

If I’ve said it once, I’ve said 7,514 times: drinking and driving don’t ever mix. Don’t do it. I know the cars have cup holders and you think that that will make the driving experience safer because that makes it “hands-free,” but it’s still flat out wrong.

That didn’t stop one woman from driving drunk, crashing into a convenience store and then trying to buy a pack of beer in the same convenience store, according to the AP.

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And Now…Balls!

There’s a great saying that goes “When you’ve got ‘em by the balls, their hearts and minds will follow.” That phrase doesn’t apply to the police department.

A woman who grabbed an officer’s balls during an arrest has been jailed without bail, according to SeaCoastOnline.com.

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The Worst Thing You Can Do is Repeat Yourself. The Worst Thing You Can Do…

is repeat yourself. The worst thing you can do is repeat yourself. The worst thing you can do is repeat yourself. The worst thing you can do is…moving on.

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Don’t Drink and Drive and Drive

Drinking and driving is never a good idea and neither is driving again after the police just pulled you over for drinking and driving.

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I Can’t Mow 55

Drunks and lawnmowers go together like peanut butter and butter. Sure the two weren’t made for each other, but when they accidentally go together, they can create something magical.

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A Chief Concern

I’ve always wondered what the weirdest vehicle that anyone ever drove drunk could be. This isn’t it, but it’s an actual thought I’ve had. Here’s some of the favorites my mind came up with when it wasn’t thinking about boobies: the Mystery Machine, the car from “My Mother, the Car,” the Delorian from “Back to the Future,” a Delorian, the Oscar Meyer Weinermobile.

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Daddy Drunkest

There’s something to be said for a father who takes time out of his busy day to spend it with his son. In this case, the things that can be said are “reckless,” “dangerous,” “stupid” and, of course, “dumb.”

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Napped in the Closet

It’s a shame that alcohol makes some men do the most horrid, selfish and illegal things. If only alcohol had a better effect on the human body, like say, you have too few many beers, a shot of whiskey and a sniff of Jaegermeister and the alcohol in your brain mixes with your neurons and you black out. Then when you wake up you realize you’ve been working all night on a cure for cancer.

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