Saturday, April 9th, 2016 • Filed under Drunks
Alcohol is an important addition to any fine cuisine. For example, Arby’s is only bearable after thirteen beers and IHOP is ideal the morning after eight shots of vodka. Honestly, where is my contract with The Food Network?
Why do we love when pets act like people? Is our species-wide sense of narcissism quite that powerful, or do we prefer the simple responsibility of animals over the all-encompassing responsibility of smaller people? Either way, cats who sit upright and dogs who shake hands consistently captivates the heart of America.
Friday, August 21st, 2015 • Filed under Drunks
I always wonder why lesbians are burdened with the stereotype of having daddy issues. Throughout my experience, I have found that the most potent concentration of daddy issues exists within the population of straight boys. Maybe it’s because the responsibility of filling the patriarchal position looms ahead or maybe they just fear their secret weed stash being discovered…either way, straight boys have this psychological phenomenon monopolized.
Tuesday, June 9th, 2015 • Filed under Drunks
Recall the time you felt most desperate. I don’t mean adrenaline-inducing, life-or-death, protection of your family type desperate. I mean desperate to get your rocks off. Perhaps it was February 13th or the night before prom and your high school reputation is hanging in the balance when it seems as though all available women have taken a cruise ship to the moon.
Imagine moving in with the significant other you had as a nineteen year old. No matter your current circumstances, you’d have to leave your home immediately and begin a new life with this person from your past. Here’s the catch: he/she is still nineteen whereas you remain the age you currently are. How do you cope?
Friday, November 7th, 2014 • Filed under Drunks
How desperate have you been for a date? I once asked my group of friends if they’d sleep with their professors in college, and for some wild reason, everyone said no…at least “not until I had completed the course”. Well. Maybe I should seek new friends elsewhere.
What are the “popular” kids at school like? What does that word even entail? Money, probably. Money spent on fake tans and hideous rainbow lacrosse shorts, I hope. Usually some kind of lavish vacations to the Cancumudappines and ostentatious homes as well.
Clothing is always crazy, but lately with Black Friday looming near, merchandise shelves are getting more and more outrageous. Pink fur jackets (which animal has pink fur, and if so, why would you kill such a rarity just to keep your rich white butt warm?) paired with pants too patterned to seem real (thanks, let me just walk around sporting wallpaper) seem to fill everyone’s shopping bags.