Dumb Criminals

Luke Has Nothing On This

Friday, August 21st, 2015 • Filed under Drunks

I always wonder why lesbians are burdened with the stereotype of having daddy issues. Throughout my experience, I have found that the most potent concentration of daddy issues exists within the population of straight boys. Maybe it’s because the responsibility of filling the patriarchal position looms ahead or maybe they just fear their secret weed stash being discovered…either way, straight boys have this psychological phenomenon monopolized.


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Story of a Lonely Guy

Tuesday, June 9th, 2015 • Filed under Drunks

Recall the time you felt most desperate. I don’t mean adrenaline-inducing, life-or-death, protection of your family type desperate. I mean desperate to get your rocks off. Perhaps it was February 13th or the night before prom and your high school reputation is hanging in the balance when it seems as though all available women have taken a cruise ship to the moon.


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Snack Attack

Tuesday, June 9th, 2015 • Filed under Break-Ins, Drunks

Imagine moving in with the significant other you had as a nineteen year old. No matter your current circumstances, you’d have to leave your home immediately and begin a new life with this person from your past. Here’s the catch: he/she is still nineteen whereas you remain the age you currently are. How do you cope?


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Next Time Just Call The Pizza Guy

Friday, November 7th, 2014 • Filed under Drunks

How desperate have you been for a date? I once asked my group of friends if they’d sleep with their professors in college, and for some wild reason, everyone said no…at least “not until I had completed the course”. Well. Maybe I should seek new friends elsewhere.


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Hook Em

Wednesday, May 7th, 2014 • Filed under Assaults, Drugs, Drunks

What are the “popular” kids at school like? What does that word even entail? Money, probably. Money spent on fake tans and hideous rainbow lacrosse shorts, I hope. Usually some kind of lavish vacations to the Cancumudappines and ostentatious homes as well.


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Fashion, Look It Up

Tuesday, November 26th, 2013 • Filed under Drugs, Drunks

Clothing is always crazy, but lately with Black Friday looming near, merchandise shelves are getting more and more outrageous. Pink fur jackets (which animal has pink fur, and if so, why would you kill such a rarity just to keep your rich white butt warm?) paired with pants too patterned to seem real (thanks, let me just walk around sporting wallpaper) seem to fill everyone’s shopping bags.


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My Little Pony

Sunday, September 15th, 2013 • Filed under Drunks

Everybody wants to ride a pony. Ride it to work, to school, along the beach, to and from the refrigerator.  They make you feel like royalty or a cowgirl, and you can’t go wrong either way. Well, maybe there is one mistake you could make…


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Not So Chill

Monday, July 29th, 2013 • Filed under Cars, Drunks

What’s the hottest you’ve ever been? Temperature-wise of course, because if it was in physical terms, we all know we were the hottest at our 5th grade, bowl-cut, chubs stage. But really, to what extent would you go to cool off?


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