Dumb Criminals

Hero of Our Generation

Friday, July 1st, 2016 • Filed under Drunks

Unfortunately, I am not always quite as caught up with the media as I’d like to be. The following story is from last fall, a story I am utterly disappointed to have missed. The tale follows an attractive yet troubled student with a noble aspiration and portrays the courageous way in which he overcomes adversity.

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Vogue Spring Collection 2016

Sunday, May 22nd, 2016 • Filed under Cars, Drunks

Can you imagine being famous for one stupid thing you did? Worse yet, what if this stupid thing became your moniker? It’d be like living in a middle school sit-com made for middle-schoolers. How would people recognize you if not for your accidental bodily functions or your idiotically phrased comments?

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Sounds Fishy

Saturday, April 9th, 2016 • Filed under Drunks

Alcohol is an important addition to any fine cuisine. For example, Arby’s is only bearable after thirteen beers and IHOP is ideal the morning after eight shots of vodka. Honestly, where is my contract with The Food Network?

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In the Doghouse

Friday, October 16th, 2015 • Filed under Cars, Drugs, Drunks

Why do we love when pets act like people? Is our species-wide sense of narcissism quite that powerful, or do we prefer the simple responsibility of animals over the all-encompassing responsibility of smaller people? Either way, cats who sit upright and dogs who shake hands consistently captivates the heart of America.

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Luke Has Nothing On This

Friday, August 21st, 2015 • Filed under Drunks

I always wonder why lesbians are burdened with the stereotype of having daddy issues. Throughout my experience, I have found that the most potent concentration of daddy issues exists within the population of straight boys. Maybe it’s because the responsibility of filling the patriarchal position looms ahead or maybe they just fear their secret weed stash being discovered…either way, straight boys have this psychological phenomenon monopolized.

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Story of a Lonely Guy

Tuesday, June 9th, 2015 • Filed under Drunks

Recall the time you felt most desperate. I don’t mean adrenaline-inducing, life-or-death, protection of your family type desperate. I mean desperate to get your rocks off. Perhaps it was February 13th or the night before prom and your high school reputation is hanging in the balance when it seems as though all available women have taken a cruise ship to the moon.

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Snack Attack

Tuesday, June 9th, 2015 • Filed under Break-Ins, Drunks

Imagine moving in with the significant other you had as a nineteen year old. No matter your current circumstances, you’d have to leave your home immediately and begin a new life with this person from your past. Here’s the catch: he/she is still nineteen whereas you remain the age you currently are. How do you cope?

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Next Time Just Call The Pizza Guy

Friday, November 7th, 2014 • Filed under Drunks

How desperate have you been for a date? I once asked my group of friends if they’d sleep with their professors in college, and for some wild reason, everyone said no…at least “not until I had completed the course”. Well. Maybe I should seek new friends elsewhere.

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