Dumb Criminals

Hook Em

Wednesday, May 7th, 2014 • Filed under Assaults, Drugs, Drunks

What are the “popular” kids at school like? What does that word even entail? Money, probably. Money spent on fake tans and hideous rainbow lacrosse shorts, I hope. Usually some kind of lavish vacations to the Cancumudappines and ostentatious homes as well.

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Fashion, Look It Up

Tuesday, November 26th, 2013 • Filed under Drugs, Drunks

Clothing is always crazy, but lately with Black Friday looming near, merchandise shelves are getting more and more outrageous. Pink fur jackets (which animal has pink fur, and if so, why would you kill such a rarity just to keep your rich white butt warm?) paired with pants too patterned to seem real (thanks, let me just walk around sporting wallpaper) seem to fill everyone’s shopping bags.

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My Little Pony

Sunday, September 15th, 2013 • Filed under Drunks

Everybody wants to ride a pony. Ride it to work, to school, along the beach, to and from the refrigerator.  They make you feel like royalty or a cowgirl, and you can’t go wrong either way. Well, maybe there is one mistake you could make…

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Not So Chill

Monday, July 29th, 2013 • Filed under Cars, Drunks

What’s the hottest you’ve ever been? Temperature-wise of course, because if it was in physical terms, we all know we were the hottest at our 5th grade, bowl-cut, chubs stage. But really, to what extent would you go to cool off?

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Yard Of The Month

Monday, May 27th, 2013 • Filed under Drunks

Yardwork, ew. Can’t we just let our bushes and trees and grass and hedges and who knows what else grow freely the way nature intended? Nope. An overgrown yard will get you kicked out the neighborhood, and unkempt weeds may become over-confident and attack your family.

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Grouse, On The House

Saturday, April 27th, 2013 • Filed under Drunks, Other Weapons

What to do when unsatisfied with the service at a bar? Whatever course of action you choose, please don’t harm or kill anything. And I’m not just talking about people.

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The Dark Nut

Sunday, February 10th, 2013 • Filed under Drunks

Does anyone you know ever take their movie obsession a little too far? Maybe they know the life story of the assistant lighting director of everything in theaters right now, or they engage in some Star Wars roleplay behind closed doors.

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Monday, January 21st, 2013 • Filed under Cars, Drunks

“You make me a better person.” As cliché as that may sound, it’s probably a good element to have in a marriage. If you’re nuts for a health nut, jog with them. If someone cooler than you made a mix tape, you better listen to that or else. And if someone is really into drinking and driving…

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