Dumb Criminals: Drunks

Only in West Virginia could a man on a riding lawnmower score so much ink in the local paper. If it was in the drive-thru of a Kentucky Fried Chicken during the annual Corn Festival, it would have pushed the Korean peace treaty right off of its lofty spot on the front page.

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I knew for a long, long time that these people were up to no good, but I didn’t say anything before because I didn’t want to seem racist or accusatory or even crazy. But now I’ve got proof. Who are these people, you ask a computer screen you retarded reader?

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What’s dumber than driving drunk? Not much. Not only do you have to be retarded to attempt to drink and drive, but the dumbing effects of alcohol can bring your brain to a level of dumbness that even a Uwe Boll movie can’t bring it down to. This guy manages to get even lower.

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What’s dumber than getting pulled over for drunk driving? Getting pulled over for drunk driving while you’re in a McDonald’s drive-thru. What’s dumber than getting pulled over for drunk driving while you’re in a McDonald’s drive-thru? You got me there.

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I’m not exaggerating when I say I love beer. I love everything about it. I love the way it tastes, the way it smells, the way when you crack one open, some mist slowly pours out of the top like a genie is coming out of it. If beer were a woman, I’d marry one since she wouldn’t mind me putting my mouth on her all the time and she’s always be drunk. But even I have my limits.

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The worst thing you can do is repeat yourself. The worst thing you can do is repeat yourself. The worst thing you can do is repeat yourself. The worst thing you can do is repeat yourself. The worst thing you can do is repeat yourself. The worst thing you can do is repeat yourself. Ok they get the message…

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You’ve been arrested for drunk driving and ordered to show up for court five weeks later. What’s the worst thing you can do?
A. Get acquitted, offer to buy the judge drinks and be his designated driver
B. Take a sip of water from the pitcher on the defense’s table and ask the waiter in the police uniform for pretzels
C. Keep demanding to go to the sidebar and when the judge finally lets you, sue the judge for not telling you that it’s an actual bar
D. Show up drunk

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Identity theft is such a horrible crime that’s growing in frequency almost every single day. But when happens when the identity they steal turns against them?

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