Dumb Criminals

Young Man, I Will Turn This Car Around!

Thursday, January 28th, 2016 • Filed under Assaults, Cars, Guns

Let us take this moment to appreciate all the DD’s of the world. Not Dunkin Donuts, not ample breasts, but designated drivers. Luckily because my driving skills are perilous at best while sober, I have never had the experience of a car filled with people screaming, vomiting, and possibly f***ing. At least Uber drivers are paid.


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Goodbye Hal

Tuesday, June 23rd, 2015 • Filed under Guns

How far will anthropomorphizing go? Pixar has assigned pipe dreams to rats. Swiffer has assigned libidos to dusters. M&M’s has assigned genders to chocolate candy. If you thought Disney movies were only the beginning, you probably experience shock and slight disgust every time you turn on your television.


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You Talkin’ To Me?

Sunday, March 15th, 2015 • Filed under Guns

Exactly what drives people over the edge? Everyone has a breaking point I suppose. All you have to do is watch the Cell Block Tango from Chicago to figure out what causes women to lose their sanity. You may also figure out what the term “murder boner” means in the process.


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Haze A Ghost, Funnel A Goblin

Sunday, January 4th, 2015 • Filed under Guns

As I’m nearing the end of my college search, I find myself worrying about aspects that had seemed trivial at the beginning. For example: do I want to go to a school that has the country’s largest Starbucks, or do I want to go to one with multiple Starbucks franchises on campus? Which option adds up to the most frappo per square inch? I’m also concerned about my decision not to rush.


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Any More Black Friday Sales on Hats?

Sunday, December 28th, 2014 • Filed under Assaults, Guns

Ladies, there’s nothing more important than hair, right? Not only is the hair on your own head a priority; so is the hair of your significant other or romantic interest. I think all of us females can recall elementary school crushes that fizzled the moment your potential boo walked in the classroom with a new haircut.


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(Mug) Shots Fired

Tuesday, October 7th, 2014 • Filed under Guns, Robberies, Technology

I remember at one point I was trying to untag a very unflattering photograph of myself on Facebook. I was then interrogated by the website, asking if the photo was pornographic, illegal, triggering, etc. Unfortunately, there was no choice saying “seeing my braces brings back PTSD” or “offensive double chin: extremely triggering”.


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This Is Nuts

Tuesday, October 22nd, 2013 • Filed under Corrupt Cops, Guns

Every neighborhood has pesky animals. In suburban Georgia, I only have to deal with rabbits and the occasional squirrel. In South America, there are spiders the size of rabbits and squirrels. In India, cobras and peacocks are just chilling alongside people. So why would a plain old squirrel be such a big deal?


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Don’t Chicken Out

Sunday, May 5th, 2013 • Filed under Guns

Sometimes people get too serious about their food. I mean, with everything there is to choose from, you’d think they wouldn’t get so hung up on one thing. I guess the exception to common sense is chicken wings.


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