Dumb Criminals: Guns

Remember what Sean Connery said in “The Untouchables”? “Don’t bring a screwdriver to a gun fight and then just claim it’s a gun because you’ll look really lame and stupid.”

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I’ve never been a big “gun person.” But this story about a not-so-smart burglar made me a little happier that we have the Second Amendment. I’m also happy that we have the Fifth Amendment, I don’t have to tell you why.

HOLLYWOOD, Fl. (Miami Herald) — With a man breaking through the front door, a Hollywood 15-year-old loaded his father’s gun, waited for the intruder to come in and shot him, police said.

Keil Jumper, 22, who police said has a long rap sheet, was later found bleeding in an area between two houses. Police said Jumper was seriously injured but his injuries didn’t appear life threatening.

The incident happened about 3:30 a.m. Saturday, when Jumper attempted to break down the front door, then picked up a bicycle to smash the window, police said. The sounds terrified a family of eight to 10 people who were asleep in the home, which is on South 61st Avenue in Hollywood, police said.

Police said the teenager is unlikely to be charged in the case. But they said Jumper, who was shot several times, will be — once he’s discharged from Memorial Regional Hospital in Hollywood.

In the burglar’s defense, he didn’t know the kid had a gun. Then again, he should have realized it was Southern Florida where you get a complimentary gun with a homegrown orange.

Police said he was seriously injured, but he would probably survive. Wish I could say the same for his dignity.

In a related story, National Rifle Association President Kayne Robinson announced that the 15-year old boy will be the recipient of their Humanitarian award.

Do you believe in magic? Na’h, me neither. That’s why I don’t get invited to my friends’ kids’ birthday parties anymore. “The rabbit’s still in the hat!” “The card’s under the table!” “The quarter’s up his nose!” But apparently, knowing magic can be useful. Take for instance this incident in which a really dumb criminal attempts to rob my close personal friend David Copperfield…

MIAMI (AFP) - Magician David Copperfield was assaulted after a show in West Palm Beach, Florida, last weekend, but with a little sleight of hand he managed to hold on to his belongings, reports said.

Four young men in a vehicle approached the magician and two female companions Sunday, and at gunpoint stole cash from one of the women and a wallet and cellular phone from the other woman, a West Palm Beach police report said.

When one thief tried to snatch Copperfield’s wallet, he used an old trick, pulling out his trouser pockets as if they were empty when in fact they held his wallet, cell phone and passport, The Palm Beach Post reported.

“Call it reverse pickpocketing. I had a gun pointed at my head from 6 inches away,” he told the newspaper. “I’m pretty good under pressure. That’s my job.”

The magician and his friends later identified the thieves, police said.

After they were identified, they disappeared out of the lineup in a puff of white smoke and reappeared in their jail cells.

I have to say that I’ve seen Copperfield do a lot of amazing things: disappear in the Grand Canyon, make the Statue of Liberty disappear, marry Claudia Schiffer.

But hiding his wallet and cell phone from a thief is, by far, the most impressive trick yet. The next time he gets robbed, he said his next trick will be pulling a tazer out of a hat.

Parents, take note of this story. If your son or daughter gets in trouble at school for fighting and you go to see a principal or a teacher to talk about it, don’t give them a reason to think about where they get it from.

FORT WORTH, Texas (AP) - A woman has been sentenced to two years’ probation for displaying a handgun during a meeting with her son’s assistant principal.

Mary E. Cozad, 56, also was ordered to pay a $200 fine after she pleaded guilty Monday to a charge of unlawfully carrying a weapon.

State District Judge George Gallagher sentenced her to probation with deferred adjudication, which means the charge will be dropped from her criminal record if she completes the terms of probation, the Fort Worth Star-Telegram reported in its online edition Tuesday.

According to the story, Cozad walked into the assistant principal’s office to talk about her son’s suspension for fighting on a school bus, closed the door and took her handgun and holster out of her purse. With all the crap women carry in their purses, it probably took 15 minutes to get it out of there.

She then placed the gun on a shelf near the assistant principal. Now the story doesn’t say she threatened the principal with the gun or even pointed it at her, but knowing how steamed my mom used to get at me for fighting, the assistant principal is lucky she didn’t threaten to drop an A-bomb on his house.

The good news is no actual shots were fired during the incident and she won’t have to go to jail as long as she follows the terms of her probation. But the probation term is good because imagine the liability she would be to the jail. I mean, she could bake a saw into a cake WHILE she was still in the joint.

Sigh, I thought all this needless “Star Wars” hype was behind us when “Episode III” premiered. Take a look at this member of the “Dork” Side of the Force who painted himself up like Darth Maul and threatened a student with a gun…

BEAVERTON, Ore. (The Denver Channel.com) — An Oregon man faces disorderly conduct charges after police said he brandished what appeared to be a gun outside a Beaverton middle school on Monday.

The man, identified by police as Dusten Jacob Williams, 20, also had painted his face to resemble the devil, officers said.

Police were called after several parents parked outside the Conestoga Middle School said they saw a man in face paint pull what appeared to be a handgun from his pants. At one point, they said, the man pressed the gun into the stomach of a student.

What possibly could have possessed this kid to do such a dorky, dumb thing? I mean other than the fact that he’s a virgin…

This kid rides up to the school, pulls a gun (it was a realistic looking Glock, but it turned out to be an unloaded BB-gun, nothing to be overly alarmed about here) out of the back of his pants and points it at a student and then at the school while he’s in full makeup. Then he rides away on his skateboard. The only way this kid could have looked dorkier is if he tried to evade police on a pogo stick.

After police picked up him just a few blocks away, he said he was just showing the gun off to his friends and he acknowledged that pulling out a gun, real or otherwise, that close to the school “probably wasn’t a good idea.” When the local newspaper printed the statement, they received word that the Pultizer Prizes had just nominated them for their coveted “Understatement of the Year” award. Williams will be competing against Sen. Cynthia McKinney for telling the press that slapping a police officer who was just asking for identification was wrong, and Dallas Cowboys Coach Bill Parcells when he told reporters at the end of last season that they should have played better.

Drugs — a dangerous thing.
Drugs and guns — a very dangerous thing.
Drugs, guns, a McDonald’s drive-thru and an extreme case of the munchies — now you’re just making my job “dangerously” easy.

LAWRENCE, Ind. (WRTV 6) — Lawrence police are calling two Indianapolis men the dumbest crooks they have ever seen.

Eugene Dobbins, 21, and Jeffrey Ware, 19, face charges ranging from criminal recklessness and carrying a handgun without a permit to drug possession and dealing.

The men were caught during a fast food drive-through fiasco, 6News’ Linda Allen reported.

The incident occurred Monday at about 1:30 a.m. Police said the men, apparently hungry, went through the drive-through at a McDonald’s on Pendleton Pike.

Police said the men thought their order was taking too long when they tried to speed things up with a gun. An employee called 911.

Why do people believe that violence is the answer to everything, especially when it comes to guns? Violence doesn’t solve anything except war. It also solves the threat of violence. Oh and struggles of power and, in some rare cases, it answers the question, “I dunno, where do you want to go tonight?” But other than those cases, violence is never the answer.

Dobbins and Ware, the Dumby Twins, were tired of waiting for their McDLTs (which probably took so long because McDonald’s doesn’t offer them anymore), so they whipped out a “peacemaker” and fired a shot just to prove their point.

Here’s the kicker: while McDonald’s employees called police, Dobbins and Ware waited for police to arrive. One of the officers told the local media they were the dumbest crooks they had ever seen. Sigh, my work here is done.