Dumb Criminals

Balanced Breakfast

Monday, May 27th, 2013 • Filed under Kidnappings

Can we just talk about Pop Tarts? Yes, every bite is about 600 calories. Yes, they’re off limits for vegetarians (containing gelatin). Yes, toasting them often results in slurping fruit goo the temperature of lava. And yes, they seem to be colored with tie-dye. But even so, they are a beautiful breakfast creation.

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Failed And Jailed

Tuesday, May 21st, 2013 • Filed under Fraud, Kidnappings

Ugh, grades. For a lot of students, the school year is wrapping up. But instead of going vegan (the lawnmower diet) for a “beach body” and attempting a natural tan (ha), most of us are stressing the heck out over other things. AP exams, final exams, 89’s, 79’s, you name it. I apologize if I’ve caused any PTSD anxiety for those of you no longer in school.

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Fowl Play

Sunday, March 3rd, 2013 • Filed under Kidnappings

What’s the worst part about cooking? Some people may find themselves making food for distinguished critics who are hard to please, a.k.a their picky children. Others may genuinely have no idea what to do, and end up burning water. And apparently a few lucky ones even have their food stolen in the middle of its cooking.

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He Moved His Clip

Sunday, February 3rd, 2013 • Filed under Kidnappings

What’s the worst thing you’ve ever done in school? And how far would you go to hide it from your parents?

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Just ‘Cause You Didn’t Get Your Letter…

Monday, November 5th, 2012 • Filed under Assaults, Kidnappings

Sometimes kids just take it to the next level, you know? All you were trying to do was recapture your “friend” who had left the scout troop to live in the woods with his crazy, scissor-wielding girlfriend. And then your dog ends up hurt, so unfair.

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Ma’am, Your Groceries Are Swimming

Saturday, May 21st, 2011 • Filed under Kidnappings

Some people are absolutely CRAZY about saving money. My parents, for example, never took us out to eat unless we’ve got about eight coupons each between the five of us. And even then, nobody got dessert.

But this lady in New Hampshire takes cheap to a whole new level. Like, a criminal level. According to WMUR9, she exited a grocery store with fourteen lobsters in her cart. And did she pay the one hundred or so dollars that sixteen pounds of lobster meat apparently costs? ‘Course not, that’s too expensive. Luckily, the police arrested her on shop-lifting charges. No word yet on what she’s actually planning to DO with a whole colony of kidnapped (er, surprise-adopted) sea creatures…

Knowing is Half the Battle

Monday, October 5th, 2009 • Filed under Kidnappings

Once and for all, for the last time, I’m not going to repeat myself: saying “I didn’t know” does not change anything. It doesn’t make your girlfriend un-pregnant. It doesn’t bring back your dog Scruffy and it sure as hell won’t get your charges dropped.

A Jamaican man who hijacked a passenger jet had just that excuse for his actions: “I dunno,” according to the CBC.

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“ID” Stands for “Is Dumb”

Friday, February 13th, 2009 • Filed under Cars, Kidnappings

Once again, a group of fumbling kidnappers led police to their whereabouts. This time, they could only have done worse if they left their business card with their daytime and night time telephone, office and cell numbers written on the back.

They swapped out the license plate on the cars with one of their own, according to the Korean Times.

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