Dumb Criminals

Bird or a Rat?

Thursday, June 16th, 2016 • Filed under Murderers, Other Weapons

If you could teach a parrot to say anything, what would it be? Would it sing you to sleep? Creatively insult your ex-boyfriend while you shared a bottle of red wine? Make conversation with your less amicable extended family members for you? Personally I’d make sure it memorized my grocery list and also token bedroom phrases.

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Tailgate Scandal

Saturday, February 7th, 2015 • Filed under Murderers

How extravagant was your Superbowl party? Did you indulge in brand-name sweet tea instead of the Publix kind? Did you grill the type of hamburgers that have the cheese inside? No matter what, I’m sure your party was as rocking as Katy’s left shark.

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Can You Say “Whipped”?

Sunday, April 8th, 2012 • Filed under Assaults, Murderers

Believe it or not, there is an endangered species of men out there who would reduce themselves to complete slaves for a girl. Even if that girl happens to be his mother….

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Furby: Not Recommended For…Anyone

Sunday, March 25th, 2012 • Filed under Guns, Murderers

Everyone has something from their childhood that haunts them to this day. I, for instance, will forever be terrified of Gushers, because I feel no desire to have my head replaced with giant fruit. Please share in the comments which ridiculous images still lurk in your earliest memories.

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Crayons, Stat!

Saturday, November 12th, 2011 • Filed under Murderers

Plastic surgery? Ick. Even the name sounds gross….like they’re inserting Legos into your organ systems. Which, really, isn’t any more ridiculous than implanting rubber inside some rich chick’s lady-parts. Or those who fork over tons of money to get multiple shots…in their face.

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And Stay Away From My Indy Whip

Saturday, November 5th, 2011 • Filed under Murderers

Okay. I apologize to all you George Lucas nuts out there, but I…just…don’t…get it. The Star Wars Saga not only manages to span the entire galaxy, but also the whole spectrum of boring. Anakin Skywalker seems to create more drama than a Disney Channel teen, and Yoda is nothing more than a walking self-help book.

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Been A Pleasu–BAM!

Thursday, November 3rd, 2011 • Filed under Drugs, Murderers

People are always weird about money, it seems. “Hey Jeff, can I borrow a dollar? I simply cannot survive another second without exposing my digestive system to this highly caffeinated and fattening beverage.” “Sorry, man.” “(insert look of complete and utter contempt)….it’s fine.”

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Stay Together for the Lizards

Sunday, August 21st, 2011 • Filed under Murderers

Sucks being stuck in the middle, doesn’t it? Nobody wants to listen to both sides of the typical Jessie-stole-my-lipgloss-but- she-said-she-never-even-touched-it-and-I-know-she’s-lying-because-I-saw-her-with-my-own-eyeballs-and-she-always-just-takes-my-stuff-what-a-brat story.

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