Dumb Criminals

Can You Say “Whipped”?

Sunday, April 8th, 2012 • Filed under Assaults, Murderers

Believe it or not, there is an endangered species of men out there who would reduce themselves to complete slaves for a girl. Even if that girl happens to be his mother….


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Furby: Not Recommended For…Anyone

Sunday, March 25th, 2012 • Filed under Guns, Murderers

Everyone has something from their childhood that haunts them to this day. I, for instance, will forever be terrified of Gushers, because I feel no desire to have my head replaced with giant fruit. Please share in the comments which ridiculous images still lurk in your earliest memories.


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Crayons, Stat!

Saturday, November 12th, 2011 • Filed under Murderers

Plastic surgery? Ick. Even the name sounds gross….like they’re inserting Legos into your organ systems. Which, really, isn’t any more ridiculous than implanting rubber inside some rich chick’s lady-parts. Or those who fork over tons of money to get multiple shots…in their face.


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And Stay Away From My Indy Whip

Saturday, November 5th, 2011 • Filed under Murderers

Okay. I apologize to all you George Lucas nuts out there, but I…just…don’t…get it. The Star Wars Saga not only manages to span the entire galaxy, but also the whole spectrum of boring. Anakin Skywalker seems to create more drama than a Disney Channel teen, and Yoda is nothing more than a walking self-help book.


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Been A Pleasu–BAM!

Thursday, November 3rd, 2011 • Filed under Drugs, Murderers

People are always weird about money, it seems. “Hey Jeff, can I borrow a dollar? I simply cannot survive another second without exposing my digestive system to this highly caffeinated and fattening beverage.” “Sorry, man.” “(insert look of complete and utter contempt)….it’s fine.”


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Stay Together for the Lizards

Sunday, August 21st, 2011 • Filed under Murderers

Sucks being stuck in the middle, doesn’t it? Nobody wants to listen to both sides of the typical Jessie-stole-my-lipgloss-but- she-said-she-never-even-touched-it-and-I-know-she’s-lying-because-I-saw-her-with-my-own-eyeballs-and-she-always-just-takes-my-stuff-what-a-brat story.

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Dear Diary

Friday, July 1st, 2011 • Filed under Murderers

Imagination is a good thing, right? I mean, no one wants to watch a movie where the main character is a successful accountant who plays chess in his free time and owns a well-behaved goldfish. Where’s the fun in that?

But sometimes people can take their fantasies a little too far. According to Tru TV, a man in Texas had filled over FOUR journals with his terrifying thoughts and planning. Hidden deep in the woods, they were found in a red cooler…along with 31 animal skulls. According to notebooks, the man’s dream was to become America’s most famous serial killer, with a rate of 700 people in 20 years. Fortunately, he was arrested long before he came even close to achieving that goal. Hmm…new idea. Maybe if the accountant played chess with his goldfish?

What, This? No, It’s Just Chicken Pox!

Tuesday, April 26th, 2011 • Filed under Murderers

You know what would make me look REALLY cool? A bunch of permanent, toxic ink, all stuck under my skin to form some kind of “symbolic” picture. And apparently, there’s no limit to what the picture can be. You want a giant Star Wars storm trooper all the way up your arm? Okay! You want Lady Gaga’s face plastered on your back forever? No problem!


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