Dumb Criminals

Spots On Your Record

Saturday, August 6th, 2016 • Filed under Other Weapons

When I was little, my mother bought me one of those mail-order ladybug farms. Boy howdy, was that a disappointment to a preschooler and her younger sister enchanted and enthralled by the natural world around them. First of all, ladybugs spend most of their lives as creepy, six-legged fly things. When they die, usually in this stage, their friends and family consume their little corpses. It was upon this discovery that my mother suggested we release our ladybugs into the wild.

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Pizza Rolls AND Gender Roles

Saturday, August 6th, 2016 • Filed under Assaults, Other Weapons

What is your favorite garbage snack enjoyed when being a garbage person? Maybe you’ve been out all night and need to Uber to the nearest Waffle House. Maybe you’ve been on a Netflix binge and call up Domino’s at 2 am. Maybe you even still think about those brownies you ate at a stranger’s apartment…

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What a Deal!

Friday, July 1st, 2016 • Filed under Other Weapons

Last night over the phone, I attempted to convince someone of the importance of washing their hands after using the restroom. He is nineteen years old. He insisted there was no bad bacteria on his penis, that it’s cleaner than most of his body because it’s always clothed, and that “it’s not like I’m ripping my d*** off and taping it to my hand!!!” This caused him to receive a text from his father saying, “Your conversation with the girl is inappropriate.” Again, he is nineteen years old.

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Bird or a Rat?

Thursday, June 16th, 2016 • Filed under Murderers, Other Weapons

If you could teach a parrot to say anything, what would it be? Would it sing you to sleep? Creatively insult your ex-boyfriend while you shared a bottle of red wine? Make conversation with your less amicable extended family members for you? Personally I’d make sure it memorized my grocery list and also token bedroom phrases.

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See Ya Later Alligator

Saturday, March 5th, 2016 • Filed under Other Weapons

Wildlife can be a real issue in rural areas of the country. People find snakes in toilets, scorpions on beds, children in public places. Luckily, animal control and extermination services across the nation have cracked down on the issue, as portrayed in classic cinema masterpieces such as Over the Hedge, Hoot, and Madagascar.

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Appetite for Destruction

Wednesday, August 5th, 2015 • Filed under Other Weapons

Can you imagine if Bob the Builder had a bloodthirsty vengeance? Perhaps instead of traipsing throughout Spring City performing pro bono construction work on buildings that need repair, he is the instrument of disaster himself?  Scoop the catalyst of ruination and Muck the instigator of demolition? It all makes for a storyline even more terrifying than the haunting animation of the scarecrow.

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Still Better Than Apple Maps

Friday, April 3rd, 2015 • Filed under Other Weapons, Technology

What’s the wildest thing you’ve ever wanted to do? We all have a bucket list of epic proportions, yet most of us at least attempt to keep our goals within legal parameters. For example, my proudest accomplishment is consuming an entire airline sandwich, much to the repulsion of my family and every passenger in near vicinity. Was it pale ham or pink turkey? Chunky mayo or just watery cheese? Nobody will ever know.

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Say Hello…

Sunday, March 15th, 2015 • Filed under Other Weapons

They say at any given time, all objects around you can be used as a weapon. While this appeals to the yet-to-be released mega-fighter badass side of me, I’d like to see someone defend herself against a home intruder with a miniature stapler. Maybe see someone take down an IHOP robber with some sugar-free butter pecan syrup. Actually…that crap would probably knock anybody out.

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