This Will Only Hurt A Lot
Friday, February 3rd, 2012 • Filed under Other, Other Weapons • Comment
Nobody enjoys going to the dentist. When you’re a kid, it feels like your mouth is being pried open by garden tools. When you’re an adult, you’re forced to make conversation while your mouth is being pried open by garden tools.
Scary Dairy
Monday, December 26th, 2011 • Filed under Assaults, Other Weapons • 3 Comments
The economy is pretty whacked out these days. Everyone is trying to sue everyone, or rip off everyone, or sue everyone for ripping off everyone. Or, in some cases, assaulting people because their ice cream is priced too high…?
They Said I Could Be Anything, So I Became Laundry
Tuesday, December 20th, 2011 • Filed under Other Weapons • Comment
Kids can be a lot of work. In fact, they’ve been called the “best form of birth control”. That being said, it’s still a parent’s duty to raise them into well-functioning members of the American society. Wait, that’s an oxymoron.
Livin’ In The Fridge
Saturday, November 26th, 2011 • Filed under Other, Other Weapons • Comment
It’s a pretty tough call between which is better, a puppy or a significant other. On one hand, a puppy won’t leave if you start to put on a few pounds, and they never argue about what to watch. Then again, it’s not like your dog can take you out to dinner and insist you’re the most beautiful woman in the world.
Oh, Good. I Thought It Was You
Sunday, September 11th, 2011 • Filed under Assaults, Other Weapons • Comment
Some people take the phrase “become your character” way too seriously. Maybe the Geico caveman doesn’t shower in real life, and Tobey Maguire goes around trying to climb up buildings. Just as long as they don’t pull a Heath Ledger…
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Not REAL Royalty
Thursday, August 25th, 2011 • Filed under Other Weapons • 2 Comments
Some people don’t quite live in the 21st century, do they? They fantasize about traveling to alternate dimensions for their honeymoon, or having some kind of telepathic connection with their pets. Then you have others, who use the phrase “but, my dear fellow” before every sentence and insist upon boiling their bathwater.
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Food, Glorious Food
Tuesday, July 5th, 2011 • Filed under Assaults, Other Weapons • 2 Comments
Some people take nutrition a little TOO seriously. I mean, I’m cool with the whole eight (Six? Twelve? That pyramid isn’t much help.) servings of whole grain thing…but once Tofurkey makes an appearance, I’m out.
Not only is this woman completely overreacting, she’s also a complete idiot when it comes to health. (Typical American chick.) As she was serving breakfast for her family, her 9 year old grandson gobbled down a few too many strips of bacon. She then proceeded to nag him about it ALL day. But it got a whole lot worse at night, when she chased the poor kid around the backyard and sprayed him right in the face with a garden hose. According to True Crime Report, he escaped for a minute to call his mom…but Crazy Grandma descended upon him once again. The fight eventually attracted an audience, and, finally, the police. So for all you health freaks out there, I’m gonna go out on a limb here and say pork isn’t exactly brain food.
Fashionable AND Practical
Tuesday, June 28th, 2011 • Filed under Assaults, Other Weapons, Self Defense • Comment
It’s really no fun being a scapegoat. Actually, I doubt it’s fun being any type of goat at all. But at least the animal sort can bite-attack anyone who’s being irksome. Unfortunately, taking that course of action might be frowned upon in the human world…
However, the other things that occur in this so-called “human world” aren’t much less ridiculous. Two brothers were entering a McDonald’s Drive-Thru around 3:00 am when they spotted a woman and her three friends being assaulted. Playing heroes, the two of them rushed to help the women a few yards away. Once they had chased off the attackers and made sure no one had been seriously hurt, the two brothers walked back to their car. A few minutes later, one of the assault victims advanced upon them with yelling, punches, spitting….and her high-heeled shoe. According to True Crime Report, the woman had simply mistaken them for her attackers. Sadly, this resulted in 18 months in prison for her, and a permanent eye-patch for one of the men.