Dumb Criminals

Specialty Toppings

Thursday, September 18th, 2014 • Filed under Other Weapons

How much do you trust the people making your food? Do you really trust the guy taking smoke breaks every 10 seconds to smoke your barbecue? How about the guy with hair greasier than pizza to make your pizza? The girl incessantly coughing to make your coffee?


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Wasn’t In a Cigarette Though

Wednesday, April 2nd, 2014 • Filed under Other Weapons

Possessiveness is a dangerous aspect of relationships that is often romanticized. While everyone wants someone who cares, nobody wants someone constantly looking through his/her text messages or becoming jealous over every sentient creature. “Did you REALLY just pet that dog when I’M right here???”


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Filthy Carnists

Tuesday, February 18th, 2014 • Filed under Other Weapons

There is a whole list of foods that are simultaneously gross yet delicious. Smores. Cold Chinese take-out. Calamari. Foie gras (apparently an illegal food some places?). Escargo. I’ll take 10 of each please!


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Chicken Dance

Sunday, January 19th, 2014 • Filed under Assaults, Other Weapons

Cheating is a grave matter. Cheating on a test could land you in detention (or, if done correctly, a good college). Cheating in a relationship…well. That would require two entire people finding me attractive, and that’s not even plausible enough to discuss.


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Getting A Bit Squirrely

Saturday, January 4th, 2014 • Filed under Assaults, Other Weapons

Squirrels are a nuisance, hands down. Walking around with their chubby faces full of food, scurrying up trees, prancing across the street with their babies…absolutely filthy, disgusting creatures. Aliens, honestly. So why would people have little ceramic statues of them?


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Sticky Situation

Tuesday, December 24th, 2013 • Filed under Assaults, Other Weapons

How much do you love peanut butter? Would you eat it every day? Every minute? Every second? Would you eat it here or there? In a box with a fox? Maybe…but would you use it as a weapon?


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Lettuce Pray

Sunday, October 6th, 2013 • Filed under Other, Other Weapons

How important is it to stay fit and trim once in a relationship? I believe that there is a direct correlation between how serious the relationship is and how fat you’re allowed to get. Think of it as a typical X and Y chart with a constant positive slope. First date = order the salad. Wedding day = eat the entire cake. See? Even math can be made better with food.


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Watt The Hell

Sunday, September 1st, 2013 • Filed under Assaults, Other Weapons

How impatient do you get when waiting for your food to microwave? Worse yet is when you finally think it’s done…but the plate is a burning fire disc from the sun’s core, and your food could have been found in the fur of a frozen wooly mammoth from the arctic. How mad would you get?


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