Dumb Criminals

An Advertisement Campaign Idea

Saturday, April 9th, 2016 • Filed under Other

What would you do for a cup of coffee in the morning? I say all the time I’d murder someone for caffeine when in reality I refuse to even drag myself out of bed to start the Keurig. Either my addiction isn’t as dangerously pronounced as I once thought, or the death of an innocent is preferable to exiting my covers.

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What Happens in Public Stays in Public

Sunday, March 6th, 2016 • Filed under Other

Personally I always found Ferris wheels to be a bit overrated. Perhaps if they moved quicker or actually turned the passenger upside down at the bottom or even lacked any sort of safety device, I’d be more inclined to spend money calmly rotating on a large circle. As it stands, Ferris wheels are nothing but circular ski lifts leading nowhere, similar to my entire life.

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Ding Dong

Tuesday, January 5th, 2016 • Filed under Other

Know what my least favorite part of Christmas season is? It isn’t gaining 10 pounds in one week or socializing with extended family inquiring as to the well-being of a boyfriend dumped several months prior. No, the Salvation Army bell-ringers drive me up the department store walls.  Nothing makes me want to rob the homeless more than these bright red overzealous instrumentalists. I thought I left those behind in high school marching band, along with any fragment of a conscience.

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Yet Where is His Screenplay?

Friday, December 11th, 2015 • Filed under Other

Hipsters are a plague. Sometimes when I’m in a small, artsy town, all I’m trying to do is enjoy my iced soy coffee and write poetry in my journal shaded by my kitschy sunhat when suddenly I’m surrounded by several Mr. McFlannel Vapebeard. Strangely enough, they all seem to want to speak to me…as though I’m one of them?

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A Modest Proposal

Sunday, November 22nd, 2015 • Filed under Other

What was your favorite fairy tale as a child? I always preferred Hansel and Gretel. Not for the quaint representation of German country life, for the memorable values instilled by the story arch, the chilling idea that evil exists most fervently under a harmless guise, or for the admirably perspicacious nature of the children…no, a house made of food seemed damn cool.

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Certifiably Insane Good

Friday, October 16th, 2015 • Filed under Other

Have your parents ever gone on health binges or tried fad diets? Unfortunately, when you’re young and unable to cook, you have little choice but to follow suit. My aunt knows a family with four small children attempting to eat entirely vegan in the middle of Tennessee, which resulted in my cousins secretly giving away their pizza as an indisputably sacrificial act of charity.

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Herzog Would Have A Field Day

Friday, August 21st, 2015 • Filed under Other

Calling all hippies. What’s the most mentally unstable activity in which you’d partake for the sake of nature? Would you camp alone for days Paulsen-style? Dogsled through the arctic London-style? Or would you quit eating meat Thoreau-style? No matter which, you’re pretentious.

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A Heated Argument

Sunday, July 26th, 2015 • Filed under Other

Although you may think detailing the weekly atrocities of the dumb criminal world is a career lucrative enough to fund my Starbucks dependence, the sad truth is that I also work a part-time job at a local burger franchise. There is enough grease in the kitchen to make John Travolta experience PTSD flashbacks, and flies taunt the employees by procreating in mid-air. The worst part, however, was that the air conditioner was not working throughout most of the 90 degree Georgia summer.

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