Dumb Criminals

One Last Farewell Lapdance

Saturday, April 25th, 2015 • Filed under Other

How cool would it be to plan your own funeral? You’d probably want people to remember you in a happy way rather than mourn your loss. Mine would probably feature a free Radiohead show and unlimited eggplant parmesan. I’d make sure my guests knew I was exiting this world as I entered it – pretentious and hungry.

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“I Look Pretty Tall But My Heels Are High”

Monday, January 26th, 2015 • Filed under Other

Who doesn’t love substitute teachers? They’re adorable, clueless, and easily persuaded that your regular teacher lets you take all of your tests with partners…if you’re lucky. If you’re not, your class might be ruled over by one notorious for abuse of power and lectures on cell phone use. Still, you’ll never be as traumatized as this class…

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Keep It Kinky

Sunday, August 3rd, 2014 • Filed under Other

It’s crazy the things that can happen between two loving partners behind closed doors. Forget the old knockin’ boots by the fireplace; put on a cop uniform and handcuff your boo thang. Around the ankles. Then tell me if getting pulled over and ticketed for speeding in broad daylight leaves you feeling some type of way.

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Two Kinds of Poles

Monday, July 7th, 2014 • Filed under Other

Do you ever wish you could find your own personal Narnia? Maybe instead of a smelly faun-thing, a 6 foot Swedish model is waiting to greet you? Heck, maybe your fantasy IS a smelly faun-thing. No big deal, it’s 2014.

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Graduated with the Bare Minimum

Sunday, June 15th, 2014 • Filed under Other

How was your high school graduation? Judging from the one I’ve attended, the events seem to last longer than high school itself. I’m sure everyone sits there wondering what could be done to rouse a little excitement. Boy, do I have an answer for you.

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Is That Ranch Or…?

Wednesday, June 11th, 2014 • Filed under Other

Most people would do anything to lose weight. Anything that is, besides eat healthily and exercise. Will I take these pills that are essentially Pez? Sure. Will I inhale these sticks of actual cancer in order to suppress my appetite? Of course. Will I let some Asians wrap my entire body in seaweed a few times a week to “shrink”? Most definitely. Will I eat a salad? HA.

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What’s Inside That Counts

Sunday, March 16th, 2014 • Filed under Fraud, Other

If I hear a girl say “skinny for prom” one more time, I’m gonna lose it. ‘Cause screw it, I’m getting super fat for prom. Morbidly obese. And for spring break? When, come mid-March, everyone else is surviving off of shredded lettuce and Sprite Zero for that perfect bikini bod…I’ll be upping my intake of McNuggets exponentially per day.

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Love Schmove

Sunday, February 16th, 2014 • Filed under Other

Who says romance is dead? Love is in the air, as exemplified by the couples sucking face in the hallway as you’re trying to get to class. As exemplified by the ridiculous pun Valentines made on MS Paint. As exemplified by heart-shaped pizzas and penis-shaped pancakes.

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