Dumb Criminals

One Star, No Fleas Anywhere

Saturday, August 6th, 2016 • Filed under Robberies

Something not addressed on this site nearly enough is father-son bonding. In fact, if these individuals had grown up with a strong paternal presence, perhaps they would not have fallen into the activities and habits to which they’ve succumbed. Maybe one game of catch could have prevented steak being shoplifted via underwear or cars being hijacked with no actual destination in mind.

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A Crime Worse Than Anchovies

Tuesday, November 3rd, 2015 • Filed under Break-Ins, Robberies

What would you do for a good pizza? Due to the misfortune of living off dining hall garbage and Domino’s toxic waste for several months, I’d kill someone for legitimate saucy, cheesy, New York style heroin. If you don’t know what it’s like to risk a prison sentence for pizza, you’ve probably only had Papa John’s.

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Serving His Time…Of the Month

Friday, October 16th, 2015 • Filed under Robberies

It’s halfway into Halloween month, meaning people lacking astute foresight are scrambling to contrive a fake identity when all the good ones have already been taken. After nearly a day of brainstorming, my friend was finally inspired to dress as Wine Wednesday: Wednesday Addams holding a wine bottle.

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Give Me All Your F#(&ing Jelly

Sunday, July 12th, 2015 • Filed under Banks, Robberies

Nothing can beat a good biscuit. I know this because I have actually undergone the turmoil required to bake homemade biscuits. The recipe begins with the responsibility of chopping up an entire stick of butter into minuscule pieces and concludes with cutting evenly sized chunks from a dough ball stickier than an alien symbiote. That being said, when my taste buds were finally acquainted with the recognizable flaky texture, the newly acquired tennis elbow and carpal tunnel syndrome became worth it.

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The Stupidity Has Elevated

Thursday, May 14th, 2015 • Filed under Robberies

If you have a fear of small spaces and a fear of being robbed, I encourage you to stop reading immediately. This dumb crime entails both of these common phobias. The only way to incorporate more phobias would involve the culprit stealing spiders from a purse (arachnophobia) filled with small holes (trypophobia) while outside the house (agoraphobia) while a duck watches (anatidaephobia).

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They’re Frowny Faces This Time

Saturday, April 25th, 2015 • Filed under Break-Ins, Burglaries, Robberies

As much as we sophisticated humans would like to pretend otherwise, food is just as much a motivator for us as it is for animals in training. When food is involved, we’ll do it. Invite us to your wedding, your graduation, your nephew’s baptism, your third cousin’s baby shower, your family friend’s uncle’s retirement party. If there’s free food involved, we’ll do what we’re trained to do best – feign interest in small talk with strangers.

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Eat Fresh (And Get On the Effing Ground)

Saturday, November 8th, 2014 • Filed under Robberies

Part of growing up is understanding that I don’t have to abide by my family’s regulations concerning food any longer. Caffeine makes my mom jittery, yet I drink at least two cups a day in order to ensure a stunted growth and lifelong stimulant addiction. My family also despises Subway, yet nothing appeals to me more than room-temperature veggies on soggy bread.

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(Mug) Shots Fired

Tuesday, October 7th, 2014 • Filed under Guns, Robberies, Technology

I remember at one point I was trying to untag a very unflattering photograph of myself on Facebook. I was then interrogated by the website, asking if the photo was pornographic, illegal, triggering, etc. Unfortunately, there was no choice saying “seeing my braces brings back PTSD” or “offensive double chin: extremely triggering”.

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