Dumb Criminals: Robberies

How do you stop a mugger who steals purses from women in his tracks? That’s easy, put a parked car in his tracks. I wish I was kidding. If it’s this easy to stop muggers, then maybe the police department will ease up on parking restrictions.

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Getting a phone number used to be a good thing. Now it’s a sign that someone may have been dropped on their head when they were a baby.

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Awhile back, we reported on a story about a guy accused of breaking into a police station. This guy makes that guy look like a Nobel Laureate.

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Banks are a big pain in the ass. The fees are outrageous. The lines are long. The clerks treat you like you have some kind of venereal disease that can be transferred through the handling of money. Don’t even get me started on the hours…

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It’s tax time and we understand how frustrating they can be. They can cause a lot of stress, high blood pressure and even brief absences of mind. They are, for all intensive purposes, very “taxing.” Yes, I am a professional writer. Do not attempt this at home.

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Be warned, if you are in Alaska and you spot a man walking down the street with a spork, do not think twice. Call the police. Call the National Guard. Call a friend with a gun to take this bastard out.

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There are a lot of things you should do before you decide to enter a certain bar. Make sure they have your favorite brew on tap. Check if they have any other forms of entertainment such as sports or a pool table. Don’t go into the bar with the burly leather clad bikers who have contests to see who can crack their knuckles the loudest over some poor schmuck’s head.

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It’s that time of year again. Girl Scout cookies! Millions of cute little brats are roaming the streets with their diabetes discs in one hand and their bag of loose change and cash in the other and you know what that means…Girl Scout cookie robberies!

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