Dumb Criminals

Supposedly Like a Carrot Stick

Saturday, March 5th, 2016 • Filed under Assaults, Shop Lifting

Upon rewatching the Lord of the Rings trilogy nearly ten years after my first exposure, I was most struck by the silliness of the films. How had I been so emotionally invested in hairy-footed tiny people wielding glowing swords against the likes of mass-produced monsters and flaming eyeballs? At least I could still relate to the musical praise placed on “taters”.


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Not Quite Piper’s Enterprise

Sunday, June 28th, 2015 • Filed under Shop Lifting

Can you guys get behind buying stuff in bulk? Do the enormous boxes of twelve different varieties of frozen waffles speak to you from inside the foggy freezer door? Does an eight gallon bottle of salsa hanging precariously off the edge of a shelf appeal to you as it might appeal to an exceptionally litigious individual? If so, then this dumb crime is for you.


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Not So Happy Feet

Sunday, August 24th, 2014 • Filed under Shop Lifting

Remember a few years ago when every Hollywood studio spontaneously lost its mind over penguins? Cinema screens across the world were graced with surfing penguins, dancing penguins…and then actual penguins freezing to death in the cold (thanks a bunch, Warner Independent). Penguins are nothing new. They’ve been walking around–technically upside down–on the earth’s belly since, you know, the dawn of time.


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But First, Let Me Commit a Crime

Wednesday, July 23rd, 2014 • Filed under Shop Lifting

My best friend works in retail, therefore possessing no shortage of patronage horror stories. At one point, two college students tried to get freaky in the dressing room. Nearly once a week, cops have to be called in to arrest a privileged white girl who can totally afford a $20 flower crown yet chooses not to.


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Let’s Get The Bleep Outta Here

Friday, July 19th, 2013 • Filed under Other Weapons, Shop Lifting

Sometimes people don’t want their babies. Throughout history, these people have found convenient ways to get rid of them.  In the middle ages, a popular solution was to leave a swaddled infant on the doorstep of a misfortunate new parent. Worse for the child, another option was an orphanage. In later times, parents could even put their kid in the circus for life. The last one, I’m actually jealous of.


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Pounding Your Meat?

Sunday, December 11th, 2011 • Filed under Shop Lifting

So, it’s been made understood that men only want one thing. A nice, red, juicy….steak. And some will stop at nothing to get one.


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“You Can Go, But Be Back Soon”

Sunday, October 23rd, 2011 • Filed under Shop Lifting

Smartphowned, while rather inappropriate and repetitive, is a website that may possibly save my life by means of comic relief. “It takes an hour to like someone and a day to love someone, but it takes a lifetime to forget someone <3” “….once my mom forgot me in a parking lot.”


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