Dumb Criminals

Worse than Chipotle’s Mistake

Thursday, June 16th, 2016 • Filed under Drugs, Smugglers

What do you prefer on your burritos? Meat cooked long before being shipped all the way from Chicago, beans of suspicious origin, or ninety-seven varieties of salsa? Honestly, none of this really matters when you’re intoxicated enough.

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Something Fishy

Tuesday, July 7th, 2015 • Filed under Smugglers

How do you feel about seafood? From the Filet-o-Fish to lobster tail, there is an ocean creature to please every palate. Even when I was trapped in the flavorless hell that is a vegetarian diet, I allowed myself some sushi here and there. There’s something about consuming sea creatures that seems more benign than land animals. Maybe because the Bible states they were created on different days, or maybe because Nirvana sang “it’s okay to eat fish, ‘cause they don’t have any feelings”. Both are dogmatic.

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“That’s A Tortoise!”

Sunday, September 28th, 2014 • Filed under Smugglers

The first article on this site ever written by yours truly involved wildlife smuggling. (No, not wildlife snuggling, unfortunately.) Today we’ll bring it full circle with a crazy Canadian eh?

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Brownies Weren’t Healthy

Tuesday, January 15th, 2013 • Filed under Drugs, Smugglers

What’s better in soup, marijuana or vegetables? Well, we all know which one is better in you.

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Purple Stain

Sunday, March 18th, 2012 • Filed under Drugs, Smugglers

You know what’s gross? Blood. You know what’s even grosser? THAT kind of blood. Yeah, because it’s not enough for women to give birth, do laundry, AND take care of men…they also need their abdomen turned inside out once a month. Fun. Oh, and this article gets grosser, so reader (procrastinator) discretion is advised.

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What Else Ya Got In There?

Saturday, January 14th, 2012 • Filed under Guns, Smugglers

It’s amazing, all the things women can shove in their purses. Need a tissue? Here. Need an extra pair of socks? Here. Car low on gas? Here ya go. In need of some chicken pox vaccinations? They’re in here somewhere…

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Tastes Better With Salsa

Tuesday, January 3rd, 2012 • Filed under Drugs, Smugglers

So, Christmas break is just wrapping up (no pun intended), and that means no more piles of seasonal junk food. In fact, most of our New Year’s resolutions probably involve shedding all those cookies chillin’ out around our waistline. My point is, like they’ve been teaching you since elementary school “health class”, junk food is BAD for you.

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“I Understand You’re A Man Who Knows How To Get Things”

Friday, February 25th, 2011 • Filed under Drugs, Smugglers

Isn’t the whole point of jail to be more or less banned from illegal things? If you’re in there for murder, they’re not gonna let you bring in a whole bunch of guns. And if you’re a vandal, you can see goodbye to your spray-paint and toilet paper.

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