Dumb Criminals

What’s Your Sign? All of Them

Sunday, May 22nd, 2016 • Filed under Theft

Everybody has that moment when they realize they are unequivocally, irrevocably, irreparably in love. Personally, I knew I was hooked when my boyfriend removed the plaque “in case of fire, take stairs” from above the dorm elevator buttons and placed it tastefully on his bathroom wall. In retrospect, if I really loved him, I wouldn’t have publicized this legally dubious anecdote on a popular crime blog.

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Theft is for the Birds

Sunday, May 22nd, 2016 • Filed under Caught on tape, Theft

What’s your most daring attempt at stealing? Have you swiped something from a friend’s home, or perhaps had the audacity to shoplift? Do you prefer the sentimentally or monetarily valuable? For instance, comedian John Mulaney insists his fans steal family photos from strangers’ homes, permitting them to procure an eclectic collection.

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Instant Karma

Friday, December 11th, 2015 • Filed under Theft

What’s the most desperate you’ve been for alcohol? Maybe you don’t know anyone well enough at a party and you need to be hammered before gathering the confidence to even introduce yourself. Worse yet, maybe you’re stuck at a family gathering where you know people too well, eyeing an entire bottle of wine you couldn’t realistically afford a glass of.

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Thursday, September 17th, 2015 • Filed under Drugs, Theft

Remember the age old saying “If he picks on you, it means he likes you.”? Clearly when a boy calls you fat, it’s because he’s imagining you carrying his firstborn with all the grace of a life-bringing earth goddess. When a boy steals your phone, he’s subliminally reassuring you that you’ll never have to worry about financing your own purchases again.  So ladies, next time Trey or Chad or Tyler or Trent pulls this crap, you’ll know you’ve found the one.

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Red Nosed and Red Handed

Sunday, December 28th, 2014 • Filed under Theft

How Grinchy were you this Christmas season? If you’re still a student, finals week probably squashed any possible seasonal spirit right into the snowy ground. If you have overly excited children, your patience has been stretched further than the journey of the three wise men. If you have a lot of friends and family, your bank account has melted away like Frosty.

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Godzilla Spoiler Alert

Sunday, May 18th, 2014 • Filed under Cars, Theft

Have you ever had a driving nightmare? I’ve had them countless times, and I only just got my license. Subconsciously however, sometimes I’m driving from the backseat. Sometimes my brake and gas pedals switch. Sometimes Linkin Park is playing through the speakers. Sometimes I have bumper stickers on my car. The list goes on.

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None of Your Beeswax

Sunday, January 5th, 2014 • Filed under Theft

Mmm…honey. Good in green tea, good with peanut butter. Who knew insect vomit could be so versatile and tasty? So versatile, in fact, it can be used as a term of endearment? “Bee puke, I’m home!” Nope.

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Would You Like Fries With That? x 1000

Sunday, December 1st, 2013 • Filed under Technology, Theft

How about that holiday weight gain? It’s almost by design that we have Candy Day, Turkey Day, and Gingerbread Day all in a short time span…maybe so that gyms will be full coming January 1st? Who knows, but these guys sure know how to put on a few pounds.

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