Dumb Criminals: Theft

When you get caught stealing computers from a school for children with special needs because you hitch a ride from the school’s administrator, you’re lucky the administrator doesn’t pull the paddle out from under his desk that he named “Ol’ Detention” that the state hasn’t let him use since the Carter Administration.

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We normally don’t use the words “funny” and “security camera” in the same sentence very often. If we did, we could probably turn it into a television show or something if we could also live with the amount of dignity we’d have to chip off of our souls.

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When you try to steal a GPS device, there’s a slight problem with the plan. A fricking satellite that’s orbiting the fricking Earth can pinpoint your exact location from outer fricking space. You’re fricked.

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When you call police and tell them that someone broke into your home and stole your Playstation and your pot, you aren’t just pulling the biggest bonehead move of the year by telling police you do drugs, you’re also making my job much, much easier. Keep it up!

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Far be it from us to perpetuate stereotypes and cliches surrounding our police officers. We’re grateful for the job they do and don’t wish to smear their reputations for the sake of a cheap joke. The problem is we’re also huge hypocrites and love cheap jokes the way Charlie Sheen loves cheap whores.

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ONE OF LIFE’S LITTLE LESSONS #451 - If you fail to plan, you plan to fail. If you fail, your father will tell you you’re a loser until you cry yourself to sleep on your Star Wars sheets and then you’ll grow up to be an underpaid blogger who leeches off the Associated Press and still sleeps on Star Wars sheets. Arg, I need some whiskey.

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We have to say this story gave us two complete different but simultaneous responses: (1) they got what they deserved and (2) what the hell was the woman doing with that dead rabbit in her handbag?

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Gas prices has become an issue that’s really stuck in my craw. Any issue where it directly affects my pocketbook, checking account or ability to sell a kidney will always tick me off.

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