Dumb Criminals: Uncategorized

This just in from the Dumb Criminals news center located in the janitor’s room at Einstein’s Arcade off the Drag in Austin: Paris Hilton is going to prison and the California Governor refuses to pardon her. And you thougght the fact that Schwarzenegger becoming governor would be the weirdest thing ever to happen in the California Governor’s office.

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Apologies are in order this week for our monumental crash that kept us from updating for almost a week. You may imaging spanking us if you like if it will make up for it. We will resume normal blogging duties next week and be playing some catch up today for the previous week.

Your favorite blog that makes mockery of the world’s dumbest criminals scored some ink in this week’s edition of the Boston Herald! Dumbcriminals.com was featured in the Online Finds section of their Arts & Entertainment section. Who knew writing snyde comments about drunks and drugged up drug dealers was considered an art?

Alcohol is a powerful drug. It can make ugly people into heavenly Adonises. It can make the scrawniest of men think they can take on an entire squad of angry Marines. It can turn the brightest and best minds of our time into drooling simpletons who don’t have enough brain power to make ice. And, of course, those who don’t have any brain power to begin turn into posts at Dumbcriminals.com.

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You’ll notice I’ve put an “uncategorized” tab on this story because, quite frankly, I don’t know what the hell to call this. I’m sure “chewing on a police car” is some kind of crime, but it’s just one of those crimes you don’t think any “sane” human being would committ like defrauding a llama out of his retirement investments or impersonating a midget.

BERLIN (Reuters) - A man resisting an order to leave his home became so angry he bit the police car he was being pinned against, German authorities said on Wednesday.

Police tried to eject the 42-year-old man, of Russian origin, after a report of domestic violence. He became aggressive and officers pinned him face down on the bonnet of their patrol car and he began chewing its police markings.

“He was so angry he gnawed at the bonnet and bit through the paintwork,” said a police spokesman in the western city of Bielefeld. “Who knows, perhaps he was hungry too.”

The bonnet would need its markings replacing and a new coat of paint, the spokesman said.

The guy was chewing on a squad car. Not that I’m defending this guy, but what crime did he commit…other than ruining his appetite before dinner?

Part of me wants to put a “drugs” tab on this because only someone who’s super stoned would look at a car and think, “Mmmmm, Daddy wants a slice.”

Naturally, Hollywood wants to make a big screen remake of this guy’s story. Proposed titles include “Bite Club,” “Gnaw the King’s Men” and “That Thing You Chewed!”.

Thirty-four year old Shane Stant has been informed by Multnomah County (OR) Circuit Judge Julie Frantz that the state cannot expunge his criminal record. Stant made the request because a felony conviction for assault is keeping him out of the Navy SEALs.

Who is Shane Stant, you ask? He’s the one who whacked Olympic Figure Skater Nancy Kerrigan on the leg.

Stant served 14 months in prison for the conspiracy involving skater Tonya Harding and her ex-husband when Harding was seeking the U.S. figure skating title and a spot on the 1994 Winter Olympics team…Stant struck Kerrigan with a police baton as she prepared to compete in the U.S. championships in Detroit, leaving Kerrigan crumpled on the floor, grabbing her knee and crying out, “Why? Why?” Kerrigan recovered from the injury and won the silver medal in the Olympics.

Isn’t 34 a little old to join the Navy SEALs?

Believe it or not, but a man arrested for wearing see-through pants. One women that this man allegedly harassed was stuck with vivid memories of the incident. The young man was been charged with several counts of indecent exposure after he allegedly exposed his genitals to several women. According to police, the mans pants were made of a transparent plastic-type material and he was going comando. This sick man allegedly would walk up to his victims and attempt to engage them in conversation, directing their gaze towards his lower region. Well, some guys just don’t undestand that you can’t be so forward with women that have just met. Hopefully this dummy will learn how to approach a woman properly someday.

If you’re dissatisfied with the service when you’re out to lunch, don’t call the police because they don’t want to hear about it. Thirty-year old Sharita Williams of Houma (LA) allegedly dialed 9-1-1 to complain about her cold onion rings. She told the operator that the waiter at the Malt-N-Burger in Thibodaux refused to replace them. The police showed up, but it was to arrest Williams for wasting police resources. She is due in court next month.