Dumb Criminals

Should’ve Used the Scented Band-Aids

Tuesday, January 5th, 2016 • Filed under Vandalism

I know what you’ve all been wondering. What is the most overhyped meat product? Not Lunchables, not Totino’s pizza rolls, not even Doritos Locos Tacos (I promise I’m not stoned right now). No, it is in fact the greasy weapon most often wielded online by both militant vegans and carnist neckbeards alike. Bacon.

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This’ll Crack You Up

Friday, December 11th, 2015 • Filed under Cars, Vandalism

I remember when my little sister was angry at a boy, my best friend and I contrived a beautiful repertoire of revenge possibilities. This included writing his phone number on bathroom stalls and throwing a chai latte at the kid’s new girlfriend. Why that particular beverage? Her name was Charlotte, which we ever so spitefully pronounced Char-latte. Good thing my high school freshman sister possessed enough impulse control for the both of us and no plan came to fruition.

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Broken Heart, Broken Windows

Monday, October 31st, 2011 • Filed under Vandalism

Old couples can be really cute. They remind you that it’s never too late to find love, and it sure beats seeing someone living with a couple dozen cats. Although I guess you don’t hear cats complaining about “the infernal racket coming from that blasted screen”.

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Did the World Prepare for THAT?

Sunday, April 10th, 2011 • Filed under Vandalism

Contrary to what seems to be popular belief, celebrities are NOT immune to the law. Or stupidity. In fact, being a celebrity may even make you more subject to crime, and less subject to any intelligence whatsoever.

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You Can’t Catch Me, I’m The Crazy Cake Woman!

Friday, March 4th, 2011 • Filed under Other Weapons, Vandalism

Today, it seems like you can’t turn on the TV anymore without being bombarded with shows involving cake. Giant cakes, cupcakes, giant cupcakes, cakes in the shapes of places, cakes in the shape of people, cakes in the shape of dogs, cakes in the shape of cakes…it’s become a little ridiculous. But cake mania hasn’t affected anyone quite as it’s affected this lady.

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Can I Get An Encyclopedia? Hold The Mayo

Friday, January 14th, 2011 • Filed under Other Weapons, Vandalism

This comical story isn’t so much a crime as it is a public statement against…books? It’s perfectly acceptable to speak out against animal cruelty, racial segregation, and awful music…but it takes a truly strange person to protest books.

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You Can’t Spell “Terrible Decision Maker” Without A-T-M

Friday, May 29th, 2009 • Filed under Vandalism

Banks are a huge pain in the ass. Especially these days when they lose your money and are rewarded for their efforts with more of your money. It’s like punishing Jeffrey Dalhmer by taking him out to a steak dinner.

One customer who lost his ATM card in a machine tried to get it back by tossing a brick at it, according to the Nottingham Evening Post.

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Foiled by the Pants…of Justice!

Tuesday, February 17th, 2009 • Filed under Burglaries, Theft, Vandalism

Once again, a criminal has been foiled not by careful police procedures, the American justice system or the slow bitch goddess that is Karma. Nope, this time, he was foiled by nothing more than a simple pair of pants with a taste for vengeance.

The AP reports that a pair of pants stopped a crook from running from the cops.

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