Dumb Criminals

Should’ve Used the Scented Band-Aids

Tuesday, January 5th, 2016 • Filed under Vandalism

I know what you’ve all been wondering. What is the most overhyped meat product? Not Lunchables, not Totino’s pizza rolls, not even Doritos Locos Tacos (I promise I’m not stoned right now). No, it is in fact the greasy weapon most often wielded online by both militant vegans and carnist neckbeards alike. Bacon.

Like all delusional backwoods white folk, this man in Las Vegas decided to take on the feat of singlehandedly defeating terrorism in the U.S. His ingenious strategy involved visiting a local mosque during the typically graveyard hour of 3 am. According to The Smoking Gun, he proceeded to exercise his right of symbolic free speech by laying strips of raw bacon across the front door handles. Because everybody knows a real Muslim atomically disintegrates into the air in the presence of pork. The culprit has yet to be arrested and is probably anticipating an endorsement contract from Oscar Meyer.

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